It’s funny, I just reread my post from yesterday, about doing physical battle against illness. I got to the scripture verse and practically laughed out loud. “Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though a war break out against me, even then will I be confident.”
I am laughing at myself because I was thinking for a minute that the physical battle was the one I needed to be focused on. Oh, silly me. I forget so easily. I stayed lost in that physical battle most of the day. I am still not feeling great, and I had to see my new rheumatologist today, too. I was poked, prodded, examined, and x-rayed. But that was the easy part.
The tougher part was the spiritual/emotional battle that has been subtly building over the last several days. There’s nothing extraordinary going on, really. It’s just that, like everyone else who lives and breathes, I have a steady stream of stuff coming at me. Stuff like daily details, family relationships, health information, … just stuff. Not one piece is overwhelming on its own. Especially not if I carefully lift each item up and release it. But if I hang on to stuff, plot and plan and maneuver it just so, try to own it, try to solve it…then it owns me. It’s psychological warfare. It’s covert. I don’t even know I’m being attacked until I’ve got myself in knots.
The first symptom is usually sarcasm. Little snide comments start slipping out of my mouth. At first I laugh them off, but then, I notice that they are actually painful barbs directed mostly at those closest to me. But this one symptom doesn’t usually get my full attention.
I usually have to progress to midnight wakefulness and fevered internet searching, trying to find the answers to my problems through information, or services, or a job (oy, vey!). It happened again tonight. After sending several emails and searching numerous medical websites, I almost filled out an online form to receive job notifications for Pete’s sake! Like a job, doing more, will actually make me feel better!
Thankfully, I woke up and closed out the screen and turned to my blog. “Ho, hum, if I can’t sleep anyway, I might as well blog…” I read what I wrote yesterday, then I got to the scripture…”Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though a war break out against me, even then will I be confident.”
Oh, yeah, that’s who I am. I am confident. I am the girl whose confirmation verse is Joshua 1:9 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord, your God, will be with you wherever you go.” I am the fighter with no earrings and a ponytail who has put on the breastplate of righteousness, the helmet of salvation, the sandals of peace, and the belt of truth. I am carrying the sword of the Spirit.
Come at me.
Emotional/spiritual warfare? You are nothing. I’m not afraid of you. The Lord, my God, is with me wherever I go…and He has promised to “keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in [Him]” (Isaiah 26:3). I trust Him.
That is all. Goodnight.