Author: Kristin

I find that I think best when I write. If you choose to follow me, you will get a first-hand look at my thoughts as I contemplate life as a woman, wife, mother, daughter, writer, teacher, and follower of Jesus. Issues that seem to recur revolve around parenting, education, equity, chronic illness, and teaching.

Fairy-tale life

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, a young mother, looking frazzled and exhausted from caring for her brood of small children walked into church carrying an infant and being trailed by two toddlers.  A wise, older woman smiled at her tenderly and said, “Treasure this time, dearie, the years will just fly by.”

The young mother, being polite, smiled and nodded, but on the inside she thought to herself, “The years may fly by, but these minutes are exhausting!”

Indeed they were exhausting, and lovely.  Many years have passed, and that infant in the mother’s arms is packed and loaded for college…five hundred miles away. The toddlers?  One is a soldier, seven hundred miles away, the other a college-grad, launching a life six hundred miles away. Their older brother?  A soon-to-be father, dedicated husband, and businessman two hundred and fifty miles away.  

And the mother is remembering that smiling older woman, thinking “she was so right.”  The years have flown by.  The babies are grown.  They are leaving the nest. 

And as I sit in this soon-to-be-empty nest, I am filled with thankfulness for these loud, crazy, brilliant, beautiful children that God has loaned to me for a while.  It hasn’t all been hearts and flowers, but it has been rich and life-changing.  And it’s just beginning!  

We are all starting our next chapter — college, career, service, parenthood, and whatever else the Lord has planned.  It is a very exciting time, filled with so much emotion.  We are excited, anxious, sad, happy, exhilarated….

Last night we had a rare moment where five of us were connected by Skype, laughing and smiling.  I drank it in.  I have been so blessed to have these amazing humans inhabit my nest.  I know they will periodically land here.  I look forward to it. 

Children are a heritage from the Lord. 

Psalm 127:3

On a soapbox

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I was going to write about the fact that we are still going through changes here in Ann Arbor, but then I got to thinking about the news feed and all that is going on around the world and I thought to myself, “your life is pretty mundane and insignificant in comparison.” 

The media has got it pretty good right now, don’t they?  They seem to feed like buzzards on the physical, spiritual, and moral death in the world.  And we eat it right up with them.  Extremists trapping the helpless faithful.  Nations at war in the Middle East.  A celebrity takes his own life.  Racial unrest in the heartland. We read and click and read and click.  They’ve set their bait carefully, and we have nibbled.  The more we nibble, the more bait they throw out.  The more they throw out, the more we ingest.  It’s a feeding frenzy!  

As I read, I begin to wonder if bad news begets more bad news.  How much power does the media have?  Does a reporter’s ‘take’ on a situation influence the outcome of the situation?  And, if so, do reporter’s take that responsibility seriously?  Do they frame their reporting in a way that will cause resolution?  Or in a way that will generate more news?  

They are just questions.  I am not saying I have the answer.  I am saying that I, like others, can’t seem to look away when I see the suffering of others.  I am ashamed by that.  Ashamed that I am not really working toward resolution, either, I am just watching to see what happens next.  Like it’s a movie, and not real life.  

But it is real life.  People are suffering.  And they are not suffering for our entertainment.  They are suffering.  Period. 

I have a very cushy life. I get to wake up when I want, write whatever words I want in my blog, eat whatever I want in my kitchen, watch whatever I want on my TV, read whatever I want on my computer.  I have no one aiming a gun at me, no one telling me how to live my life.  I have all kinds of free time.  

Today I am not going to use that free time to feed on the misfortune of others.  I am going to pray for those who are suffering, I am going to pray for resolution to crises, I am going to pray that God, who is still God, will bring order and peace to our world.  He alone is able.  

With man this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible. 

Matthew 19:26

Going with the flow

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Imagine me lying on an inflatable raft and floating down a river on a beautiful Michigan day.  That is how life has been the last couple of days.  With this full house, I have refrained from creating my everyday to-do list. And I have been trying something different — going with the flow. 

Going with the flow has meant staying up until 1:00 am or later — two nights in a row.  It has meant that yesterday I woke up at 10:20 am!  I have written my blog in the middle of the night.  I have eaten a warm kale, cilantro, black bean salad created by one daughter and black bean (gluten-free) brownies created by the other daughter.  I have gone on a walk with Chester, started a Grisham book, and watched Sabrina. I took a walk on campus which equated to a walk down memory lane.  

Sounds pretty lovely, doesn’t it? So, I wonder if I will allow myself to go with the flow a little more often. 

This goes back to my doing v. being still theme.  I am trying to explore the fact that doing and being still do not have to be in opposition.  The two can co-exist.  In fact, in all my floating around yesterday, I did get my migraine-suffering daughter in to see an acupuncturist and also discovered that two miles from our new home is the leading migraine headache clinic in the nation.  Yes, while floating, we got her a comprehensive appointment for next week. 

But I didn’t really accomplish anything else.  This is new for me, the one who has measured my value by the number of things I get done and how well I do them.  It is new for me to see the overgrown flower bed and acknowledge that I want to do something to it without jumping right up and tearing out the weeds right away.  It is new for me to be comfortable co-existing with the unfinished, unsettled, unpolished.  

But floating is nice.  See how sparkly the water is?  Hear the wind blowing?  

Right now I am sitting in my adirondack chair on my porch, looking at the scene in the photo above.  Coffee was just delivered to me. Tomorrow we pack up our daughter to move to college, but today I am going to continue to float.  

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 

Matthew 11:28

 

 

 

Not quite full…

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

Even though my house is full, I am very aware of those who are missing…my sons.  Thankfully, we were able to see our oldest son and his wife over the weekend, but our younger son serves in the military and we haven’t seen or talked to him in a while.  He let us know on Sunday that he is fine and that we’ll hear more in a couple of days, but having seen the other 3/4 of our kids this week, I am feeling his absence.  

Each one of our children is unique, aren’t they?  Even if they are close in age, and raised under very similar circumstances, each one has his or her unique DNA, unique expression of that DNA, unique self.  And when all of that uniqueness combines, it is magical.  I often say that dinner with our whole family is not for the faint of heart.  It is a fast-paced, laughter-filled, exchange of information that few can track for any length of time.  You kind of have to grow into it.  

Spending time with any one of our children, or any particular combination of two or three or more is a blessing.  And each combination is different — the oldest alone, the older two together, the youngest alone, the younger two together, the middles together, the boys together, the girls together — and fabulous in its own way.  Each solo or combination is like a favorite song — I love to hear it and want to play it over and over. 

But of all my favorite songs, my favorite-favorite is the song of all of my kids together under one roof, making all their particular sounds together.  

I imagine that is what heaven will be like for God.  He will have us all together — all ages, genders, races, ethnicities, socio-economic statuses — and he will rejoice to hear us all together.  

And just like I am thinking about the one I am missing, even while the others are with me, God pursues those who are missing, and desires them to come home and be under His roof, joining in his favorite-favorite song.  

For this reasons, He is likely to ‘leave the ninety-nine, and go in search of the one.’ He loves each one.  I am one.  You are one.  

Fullness

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This momma is pretty content this morning.  After a weekend of travel, we returned to a full nest.  Two daughters and an extra friend are joining us this week. It took some maneuvering to find spots for everyone and all of their things in this smaller place, but they are in, and I am happy.  

Last night there were voices and laughter.  Sweet Chester cuddled everyone and soaked in the love.  I am soaking it in, too.  These days are precious. 

I spend a lot of verbal energy spouting about being an ’empty nester’ and how I am looking forward to this ‘season of rest’.  But, truth be told, I love my kids, and all their friends.  I am never more content than when the house is crammed, there is food to be eaten, and laughter fills the house.  

So, I am soaking in the fullness.  

Tonight we are taking this show on the road to see two sets of grandparents and a few aunts and uncles.  Multiplying fullness.  

I think the only way I could be happier is if all my children were here together.  There is nothing like that. When they are all together there is so much talking and laughing and eating.  And I am filled with joy and contentment. 

It baffles me to think that this is how God chooses to describe us — as his children.  We bring Him pleasure. Really?  I bring God pleasure?  He is filled with joy in my presence?  Come on, that can’t be.  But it must be true, because when humanity tried to pull away from him, He sent His only Son.  For us.  So that we could all be together one day — talking, and laughing, and eating. 

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God.  And that is what we are!  

1 John 3:1

 

“Oops!… I Did It Again”*

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Part of the work of the next few months is a re-setting of my mind because of the re-setting that has happened in my body.  For most of my adult life I have gone until I can’t go ‘no more’.  Then I collapse, and get up the next day and start over.  That isn’t going to work any more.

My experience with my new body (I will refrain from speaking for all people with autoimmune disease) is that I have to be preventative.  I eat certain foods so that I won’t have a flare.  I take certain vitamins and supplements so that my body will respond better to stress.  I do Pilates to help my body maintain flexibility.  I rest midday so that I can go out for dinner later.  I have to anticipate the effects of my actions on my body.

But I get amnesia.

I had a pretty lousy flare in April/May.  This isn’t too surprising since I was preparing for a move, finishing a school year, anticipating one daughter’s high school graduation and the other daughter’s college graduation, saying goodbye to many friends, etc.  Stressors incite flares.  Life, even ordinary life, is stressful.  April and May were a bit over the top.

June and July were lovely.  I was at home, on my own pace, packing a box or two a day, resting at various times throughout the day, eating well, exercising well, reading, doing puzzles, and seeing friends.

So I forgot what happens when I do too much.

I think I wanted to believe that it wouldn’t happen again.  I mean, we were in the physical process of moving for about ten days and I felt fine.  When I got tired, I took a little break.  On the actual move day, I had to take a few more breaks than usual, but still, no flare.

Ten days in Ann Arbor, unpacking, socializing, running errands, taking breaks, exercising, and I was feeling just fine.  In fact, so fine, that I felt like the old me!

So, on Wednesday, when I went out for my walk with Chester, I actually ran a bit.   I haven’t run in quite a while.  And it felt great.  I was cautious.  But, I ran.  

Then on Thursday, I woke up, wrote my blog, drank my tea, and then pretended I was the old me for about two hours — cleaned and vacuumed out the car, washed three windows inside and out, vacuumed our little house front to back, and Swiffered the kitchen and dining room.

And then it happened.

It wasn’t like my batteries wore down or something.  It was like someone unplugged me.  I hit the bed and knew I had gone too far.  It wasn’t even noon.

We had a guest arriving at 1.  My husband wanted me to meet some staff members at 4:30.  And a new friend was coming in the evening to learn the ropes of Chester-sitting so that we can go on a trip this weekend.

Yes, you read that right.  We are going on a trip this weekend.  Our oldest is getting his MBA tomorrow in Cincinnati and we are moving our daughter from Chicago to Ann Arbor on Sunday.

And I’m unplugged.

When I woke this morning, I discovered that my reserve battery had charged a little in my sleep, so I tidied the guest room for the overnight guest who is coming on Sunday. (Are you hearing all this?) And re-made the bed for our friend who is staying with Chester.

I’m not getting it, am I?

Do I really need another smack-down in order to learn how to pace myself and take breaks?  Why is it that doing is so satisfying to me?  Why am I not content with being? 

I believe I have received grace this morning, because I don’t feel as poorly as I did last evening.  So, I am going to slow down, acknowledge that God is God and I am not.  Do a little Pilates.  Breathe.  Put my feet up.  Read.  Drink my kale-berry-banana-flax smoothie.  And try, really try, to be still. 

Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. Psalm 46:10.

 

 

 

 

*Spears, Brittney.  “Oops!… I Did It Again.” Oops!…I Did It Again. Jive, 2000.

(This citation is for my former students who know that you have to give credit where credit is due.)

 

 

 

 

 

Grace period

~ Kristin ~ 3 Comments

We are going to call August the ‘Grace period’.  Because our daughters are here with us and we are helping them transition to their ‘next chapters’, I keep telling people things like “After August, we’ll have you over for dinner,” “After August I’ll be available for that.”  People are very happy to give me a month.  And I am comfortable giving myself a month.

I have said publicly that I am not going to start looking for work until January.  And I will hold true to that.  But yesterday a gray area appeared.  I was asked by my husband’s superior if I would meet with two different groups to offer ‘input’.  I gave him my standard, “nothing in August” response.  And he was fine with that.  But the question arose internally, “What are you going to say ‘yes’ to, little girl?”

Am I going to actually rest? Or am I going to fall into my old pattern of getting busy and filling my time?  How much is manageable?  How much is too much? Certainly a lunch meeting will not interrupt this season of restfulness. A few conversations won’t overtax me, right?

Right?

I don’t know.

I have been in Ann Arbor for eleven days.  We have unpacked boxes; we have set up our systems in the house — kitchen, laundry, office.  We have visited with old friends.  We have made new friends.  I have blogged.  I have walked.  I have napped.  I have visited two doctors.  I have renewed my Michigan driver’s license.  I have baked a pie, and made mimosas.  I have laughed.  I have watched movies.  I have almost read a whole book.  I opened the first puzzle box.

It’s been lovely.  It’s a grace period.  A time when I make no commitments.  A time to heal.  And I already know that August is not going to be enough.

The nest will be empty starting on September 5th.  I am going to need grace to adjust to that, I know.  After all, the nest has been pretty darn full since 1992!  If I start making commitments and filling my calendar I won’t take the time to feel whatever I will feel when they are all gone.  And I do want to feel it.

In confirmation class I learned that grace is ‘undeserved favor’.  I don’t know why God has given me this gift of time to rest.  No one else I know has been given all these months to be still.  But who am I to take this gift and throw it away?

I am God’s child.  He has given me an undeserved gift of time to be still, to recover, to heal.  I am receiving this gift.  I need His grace, period.  So I will soak Him up during this ‘Grace period’.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9

 

Judge not, lest…

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

Let me just get it right out there and say that I have been a judgmental know-it-all most of my life.  I think I am always right. Always have.  And my face, if not my mouth, lets everyone around me know exactly what I am thinking.

Yes, yes, I have read the Bible, including, Proverbs 16:18, “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” I have even quoted it to other people who I know are being prideful.  You know, know-it-alls.

It is difficult when I realize that this verse applies to me.

Oh, yeah, the fall is ugly.  I have learned many hard lessons over the years.  I’ve already established that I am about as stubborn as they come.   So, sometimes I need an object lesson, and sometimes it has to involve me directly.

For instance, I used to think I knew everything about parenting and that all children could be controlled with the right kind of discipline and structure.  Enter my three genetic progeny, who have wiring similar to mine, and cue the smack-down.  Yeah, that re-teaching was pretty painful.

I used to think people with ‘fibromyalgia’, ‘RA’, and all those other ‘invisible diseases’ were just lazy people looking for excuses to stay home and get disability and sympathy.  (I told you I was a judgmental know-it-all.)  Watching a good friend get RA almost cured me of my judgmental attitude, but living with PsA myself?  Yeah, I’m over judging others’ experience of health and/or pain.

I used to think college was the only path for everyone.  Well, hundreds of students, family members, and my own children have shown me that God uses multiple paths to get people where he wants them, and that I should just get my lofty degree-carrying nose out of the clouds.

I used to see things as black or white.  Right or wrong. Godly or ungodly.  I have realized that God is way more complex than that.  Of course there are absolutes, like God is God, and I am not.  I think I will stick with that one.  He knows it all.  I only know what he allows me to know.

He teaches me stuff through difficult life lessons, but sometimes, when I am not being such a know-it-all, I actually read His Word and find little gems like this from Proverbs 11:2, “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.”

Ah yes, grasshopper, wisdom.

So, I have been learning, and I am sure I will continue to learn, to be humble.  I have said to myself, and to others, when I feel like judging someone, “I have no idea what their experience is.”  I don’t know what put a homeless man on the street or what causes him to beg for money.  I don’t know why that girl has seventeen piercings and is covered in tattoos; I don’t know her experience.  I don’t know why that man wore bike shorts to church (it’s true, he did, and he went to communion, too), but I am going to choose to not judge him, although I think I kind of just did, didn’t I?

I am a work in progress.  I am still learning not to judge.  Judging doesn’t bring us closer to people.  It separates us.  Love draws us closer.  Listening draws us closer.  Learning draws us closer.  Closer is nice.

Expect the Unexpected, chapter 2

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It’s funny, isn’t it?  The way that our expectations of how something will be shape our attitude in the now.  Yesterday morning I was in a funk because of what I thought the day would be, but it turned out nothing at all how I thought it would.  

The phone call about college finances was uneventful, and actually, by day’s end, we discovered that the situation, which was very manageable to begin with, was actually even better than we thought. Why I ever worry about money after all the ways we have been provided for over the years, I will never know. 

The shopping that I thought was going to consume my day turned into a thirteen dollar purchase at a local grocery store, an online backpack purchase, and two Starbucks drinks. 

The doctor’s appointment was potentially stressful, since my Google calendar converted the 1:00pm appointment time to 2:00pm when I moved to the Eastern time zone.  But, even though I arrived at 1:40, they checked me in and I was seen by a corneal specialist who, two and a half hours later, determined that my eyes look great. 

I got to leisurely cook a fabulous chicken curry dinner and enjoy it in the dining room with my husband and my daughter.  I finished my day reading fiction, that I chose, and that I can finish or not, whatever I decide. 

Yesterday was, by all counts, a pretty great day, in spite of my grumbling. 

So, ok, ok.  I am trying to learn this lesson.  “Be Still, little girl, uncross your arms and unwrinkle your brow.  I have got this.  I am God.  I have never left you or forsaken you.  I’ve actually carried you in the palm of my hand for 48 years. So, sit back, calm down, trust me.  I have got you.” ( Bible, Rathje Revised Version.)

So today’s plan is to just sit in His hand, internally being still, while I watch and see what He does.  You in?