Monday morning struggling…

Uh-oh. It’s happening again.  This is my third start on today’s blog.  I have gotten to two or three paragraphs and deleted twice already.

I was going to write about our trip to Washington, DC this past weekend and how blessed and beautiful that whole trip was.  Then I started hearing myself speak and I was like, “blah, blah, blah, who cares about your trip?”

Then, I started doing statistical analysis on this blog — what topics are most interesting to people who are not me.  Yeah, I tried math. Bad idea.

So why don’t I stick to what I do well and tell you what’s on my mind this morning. I sometimes feel redundant like I write about the same things all the time. But, hey, it’s my blog — it’s what’s on my mind — I can’t help it.  Whenever I try to force something and make it about something else, I end up deleting a whole bunch of paragraphs.  In fact, I am not even sure this won’t get deleted.

I am not sure it will have a point at all.  And maybe it doesn’t have to.

Here are the facts.  We had a beautiful weekend.  I am exhausted.  I am in my pajamas and need to be out of them within the hour.  My hips and feet feel like they are coated in IcyHot (no, I am not a paid sponsor, in fact I doubt I will ever have need to buy this stuff because my body seems to simulate its effects on its own).

But in the midst of this less than stellar mind-frame, I read my Bible study this morning which was about how the Word of God is effective even when we don’t think it is effective. I know, it sounds like a rather boring topic, doesn’t it?  But a little nugget grabbed hold of me.

You know, I’m sure by now, how pre-occupied I am with figuring out what it is I am supposed to do next…so after I read “If we’ll ask God to fill us with the Holy Spirit as we read and study, He will alert us when He’s speaking to our situation through a precept that doesn’t blatantly fit” (Beth Moore, Children of the Day, 155), I saw “we’ll often feel emotionally and spiritually satisfied after a work handpicked and infused by the Holy Spirit…If you’re on the right track of your spiritual gifting you’ll start getting snippets of feedback that affirm your contribution…(157),
and I thought, holy cow!  I love blogging, I am affirmed through blogging, but, “um, God, sorry to bother You, but I am a little worried over here about finances and paying for stuff, you know, education, and trips, and stuff.”

But in the same lesson I also saw, from The Message version of Psalm 119,

Give my request your personal attention, rescue me on the terms of your promise…put your hand out and steady me since I’ve chosen to live by your counsel…[you know, I am trying to be still and know that You are God over here]…

And I thought to myself, this is where the rubber meets the road, isn’t it?  Do I trust Him enough to do what He says even when things get a little uncomfortable?  a little scary?  When I can’t see how things will work out?

In this moment, my answer is ‘yes’.

Do I believe that I am only supposed to blog?  Nope.  I think you are going to get bored reading stuff about me being still.  I think I need a little material to write about. So, perhaps I’ll get a job at the library, or teach composition, or work at the airport. And today I answered an ad from a grad student who needs help organizing a thesis. I could do that.

I don’t think I know what’s next yet.  So, I think I will continue to acknowledge that He is God and I am not, and I am, after all, sitting in the palm of His hand.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.