Tag: rest

Try Waiting in Silence

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

I don’t usually know what I am going to write about before I sit down.  Today’s no exception.  I find the time in my day and then sit down at my desk.  I read a devotion and then start moving my fingers over the keys.  Today, my devotional book, Beth Moore’s Whispers of Hope, which I am reading through for the second time, directed me to Psalm 62.  I read the Psalm and then turned to what Beth had written about it.  About half way through her page, she told me to go back to scripture and read aloud verses 1-2 and 5-8.  If you are so inclined, you could read them aloud right now:

For God alone my soul waits in silence; from Him comes my salvation.  He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him.  He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.  On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Since, as of yesterday, I am getting back to writing my blog, perhaps this verse is a fitting reminder of where I started eighteen months ago. I had just committed to taking six months to be still and wait.  I, a self-proclaimed butt-kicking, name-taking soldier, had agreed to put down my weapons for a season in order to recover from some battle wounds.

In fact, if you recall, my injuries had rendered me useless to the soldiering business.  I hadn’t surrendered willingly, but had been pulled from battle per executive order.  I would like to say I left kicking and screaming, but in reality, by the time that I was summoned from my position, I was too exhausted to utter much more than a whimper of acknowledgement.

I was plunked down in this little house by the river with a laptop, my Bible, and nothing but time. If you’ve been reading with me for the past eighteen months, you know that my journey to recovery has been slow and circuitous. I have made progress in fits and starts, proving, time and again, that I am no longer fit for battle.

Nor was I ever intended to be. I wasn’t called to fight or conquer or even defend.  I was called to wait in silence.  I was called to run to my refuge, seek my shelter, and find my salvation in the Rock.

Now, it might seem that seeking shelter means taking myself out of the war entirely.  Not true.  I can enjoy shelter in the midst of chaos, in the midst of trial, in the midst of downright warfare.  I won’t be oblivious to the turmoil that surrounds me, but I will be safe, secure, and held.

For a very long time, I thought it was my job to keep peace, to quiet cries, and to overcome the enemy.  And, boy did I try.  And fail.  In fact, I would say that my efforts to fight battles that were not mine actually caused more harm than good — to myself and others because the battles were not mine; the war is already won.

That’s why I have permission to wait in silence.   If I am busy soldiering on, I miss the action.  But if I watch and wait, I “see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living” (Psalm 27:13).  How do I know this? Because I’ve been seeing it.

I wonder if in your stillness you are seeing it to….

Repent. Rest. Re-set. Repeat.

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

I just opened my Bible study.  I was hoping to spend about thirty to forty-five minutes preparing for my Wednesday meeting with the battalion, but I only got to the end of the first page when I read these questions:

What is the biggest transition you’re going through right now?

Does it feel like you’re moving from captivity to freedom,

or does your transition seem to be leading you to a more confining place?

Now would you look at that?  Seems like a pretty benign question, doesn’t it?  But you know, it cut right through some baggage I’ve been carrying around and provided a moment of clarity. And I haven’t event opened my Bible yet!

The battalion and I met for the first time after our summer break about ten days ago to start our journey through Lisa Harper’s study called Malachi: a love that never lets go. Harper paints a picture of the Israelites at the time that Malachi wrote as similar to Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With the Wind — not ball-ready Scarlett, but Scarlett returning from Atlanta to find Tara a hot mess in the wake of the Civil War.  Harper says that, like Scarlett, the Israelites are raising their fists to God in anger and indignation, “How could you let this happen?”

Well, I am certainly not there.  Oh, I have been.  Trust me.  If this is not your first time reading this blog, you know my history of raising my fist to God and even turning my back on Him.  But, folks, I am — thankfully — not in that place at the moment.

In fact, this whole blog has been about my journey past that time of soldiering self-righteousness into a season of resting in His provision, His goodness, His faithfulness.  I’ve gone on  and on about our little house by the river, sitting on the couch, working fewer hours, spending time with my husband, going to the gym, swimming in the warm salt water pool.  You have to be getting sick of hearing about this time of refreshing!

Well, I’ve got a confession to make.  I’ve been having a hard time sleeping.  I’m worrying.  I’m not resting.

Ok, I am resting.  I am enjoying a much lighter work schedule.  I am experiencing a slight improvement in my health thanks to the lessened stress and some new medical interventions.  The nest is empty again.  We are enjoying ourselves.

But I lie awake at night stewing and fussing.

Why? Well, to avoid over-sharing let me just say — finances.  Leaving my full-time position and enduring a constant stream of medical charges has caused a change in our financial situation — at least from my perspective.  I get myself pretty charged up about how we are going to recover financially — I lie awake shifting this account and that account; I picture paying off this bill and that bill.  I get myself convinced again that it is job my to resolve this situation.

I am going to pause here to let you shake your head for a few moments.

You finished?

Those few little questions at the bottom of Lisa Harper’s page jolted me.  Do I feel like I am moving from captivity to freedom? Or do I like the feeling of captivity so much that I want to keep picturing myself there? Just when I have been freed from my doing and soldiering and butt-kicking to rest in my little house by the river, I want to find some other battle to fight.  My last blog post was about repenting, resting, and re-setting for goodness’ sake.

Last Saturday I stood in the front of a classroom and showed a group of ladies how I had been walking in one direction and God had physically picked me up and turned me around to go in a different one.  I shared the relief and the new opportunities that this turning has given me, but I was not acknowledging that in the wee hours of the night I have been looking over my shoulder trying to see if that other way is actually the answer.

Go ahead, shake your head some more.  I am.

So, let me put it in print so that I don’t forget.  God brought us to this place.  He will provide for all of our needs.  He always has; He always will. It might not make sense on paper. I might not have all the answers.  However, our God who created the earth, who clothes the lilies of the field, who numbers the hairs on our heads, does have all the answers.  He has worked out our finances.  He has said to me, “Be still, Kristin, I’ve got this.” I feel like He has to say it over, and over, and over again.

But this morning, I hear Him.  So, I’ll just be over here chilling in my little house by the river.

Matthew 6: 30-31

 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’

Walking in Confidence

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

It seems only fair that since I put you through the preliminary thinking for the workshop I taught today, I would also share with you the final product.  In retrospect, I feel that God used this opportunity, including the fact that my husband, who originally agreed to co-present with me, was called out of town, to allow me a chance to look in the rearview mirror to see what he has been doing within me for the past year or so.  It was really quite amazing to see the broader view and to then share that view with the ladies who joined me today.

The keynote shared some words of wisdom she had learned years ago, “you don’t have to step on every landmine that I have.” In that spirit, I share my presentation from today.

Walking in Confidence

This sectional is supposed to be about walking in confidence in ministry.  After 25 years of ministry with my husband, I can say it is really quite simple; just follow these instructions:

Proverbs 3 1-6

My daughter, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments,
2 for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you.

3 Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart.
4 So you will find favor and good success [a in the sight of God and man.

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

That’s it. Ok, go home and do that and you will be walking in confidence in ministry.

Wait, you say you can’t do that? What’s so hard about keeping commandments, binding love and faithfulness around your neck and writing them on your heart? You simply have to trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Simple. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.

No? Can’t do it? Me either. I keep failing. Over and over again.

I thought I was doing pretty well, way back in 2004. My husband was the Minister to Families at a local congregation. Our children were being raised in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. I was finishing my Master’s degree, substitute teaching, and writing for a National Lutheran publication. My husband felt the call of the Lord, so we packed our bags and moved to St. Louis to enter the Seminary. That should be an easy place to keep God’s commandments, bind love and faithfulness around my neck, write them on the tablet of my heart, and trust completely in God, right?

You’d think so.

But a lot of change happened very quickly. We not only got a new address, our kids got new schools, I got three new jobs in the first six months, my husband dove into studies, we lived in a small community of other families that were going through all the changes that we were, and, I’m gonna be honest – it was too much.

I went into survival mode.

I was the primary breadwinner – neither my children nor I were familiar with that. I was also still primarily responsible for all the things of the home—groceries, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Yes, my husband helped with all of these things, but I still wore the responsibility for making them happen.

My position went from part-time to full time to full-time plus in just one year. I was a Lutheran educator wearing a variety of hats while still wearing the hat of mom and wife.

I abandoned all my good habits of Bible study, prayer, and fellowship – I forgot about God’s love and faithfulness, I decided to lean on my own understanding. I held myself responsible for making it all happen at Seminary. I put all my confidence in me.

Been there? If you have, you know that it got pretty messy.

God allows us to get there. He allows us to try out our own way. He allows us to have confidence in ourselves and our own strength. He allows it to get pretty messy.

Family relationships suffered. Friendships suffered. Finally my health suffered.

Yeah, my own strength wasn’t working out that great.

Over a period of time, God intervened. He drew me close enough to Him that I could hear His voice saying, “Come on, Kristin, it’s not working. Turn to me. Repent.”

I didn’t want to hear that, because I am a stubborn old gal. If I turned to Him, I would have to admit that I had been walking the wrong way,…for quite a long time. I pride myself in doing the right thing. Yeah, pride. That, too.

But He kept drawing me closer, kept repeating His message – “this is not working. You are suffering. The people around you are suffering.” I knew He was right, but I really didn’t want to change.

So, He did what any parent would do – He intervened. He relocated us and gave me a six-month opportunity to refresh. And during those six months he placed just the right people at just the right junctures. He placed me among women who invited me into conversations that helped me turn. They gave me a reason to do regular Bible study. They surrounded me with prayer. They encouraged me on my journey. They helped me re-set.  They helped me remember to put my confidence in Christ instead of putting it in myself.

This year has taught me a lot. It has taught me that God is a God of forgiveness and renewal. I want to invite you into that.

Repent – The word ‘repent’ carries a lot of baggage with it. We associate weeping and gnashing of teeth, sackcloth and ashes, and all other kinds of misery with repentance, but at it’s heart, it’s a turning.  It’s a turning from heading in the wrong direction to following in the right direction.  I know I tried to avoid being repentant, which in retrospect was rather foolish.  After all, God only wanted me to turn because He loves me.  Hear Him in this:

Proverbs 3:11-12

My daughter, do not despise the Lord’s discipline
or be weary of his reproof,
12 for the Lord reproves those he loves,
as a father the daughter in whom he delights.

Isaiah 30: 15

“In repentance and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.”

Take a moment to acknowledge any ways that you have ‘forgotten God’s teachings and disregarded his commands’. In what areas have you ‘leaned on your own understanding’?

Rest – The word ‘rest’ seems laden with laziness and irresponsibility rather than it’s true intention — restoration, recovery, and healing.  Many of us push through difficult times rather than allowing ourselves to rest.  Hear God on this:

Psalm 61:3-5 (Message)

You’ve always given me breathing room,
a place to get away from it all,
A lifetime pass to your safe-house,
an open invitation as your guest.
You’ve always taken me seriously, God,
made me welcome among those who know and love you.

Isaiah 40:29-31

He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
30 Even wives shall faint and be weary,
and mothers shall fall exhausted;
31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

Matthew 11:28

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

God desires for us to rest from our weariness.  He did create the Sabbath, didn’t He? Rest should not come merely in moments of desperation; it should be part of the rhythm of our lives  — daily rest, weekly rest, and seasonal rest.  It’s ok to schedule this in — to plan time each day, each week, and throughout the year to be still, be quiet, and to recover.  It is only when we take the time rest that we can be refueled for service.  It is only when we are quiet that we can hear God’s voice telling us to re-set.

Re-set –When you are resting, after you have had a chance to catch your breath, think about how you can re-set.

Ask yourself, what are my priorities? Then, does the way I spend my time reflect my priorities? How can it?  Am I putting my confidence in Christ?  Or am I putting my confidence in myself.

It’s not a magic cure.  I imagine I will be reliving this cycle over and over again in my life.  I know I will be tempted to take control, to rely on my own strength, and to go charging in my own direction.  However, I am confident of this — God will continue to beckon me back to Him, He will continue to welcome me back into His safe house, He will continue to set me again on His path.

May He do so for all of us.

Hi, honey, I’m Home, Part 2, a clarification

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

I want to correct a little theology from yesterday.  I believe I said that God had immobilized me through my autoimmune disease.  That really makes it seem like He intended for me to have this disease.  I’m not sure about that.  In fact, I am sure that God created all things in His image — whole, healthy, sinless, perfect.  I am fairly confident that illness — all illness — is a result of sin.  I don’t understand it, that’s a fact, but I believe that God desires for all people to be well and whole.  In fact, I believe that one day I will be — on this side of eternity or the other.

Why am I bringing this up?  Because this morning,  during my self-imposed three-day-weekend of rest, I opened my Bible study for the second day in a row and read these words:

Remember that most of what God does is invisible — totally outside our realm of observation or understanding.  We cannot base our faith on what He appears to be doing or how dramatically He answers our prayers — because faith founded on God’s apparent actions is not faith at all (Moore, Whispers of Hope, 112).

When I say something like “God has immobilized me,” I am implying that I know what God was thinking and that I am sure that He is the one who ‘afflicted’ me with this illness.  I don’t know that.  Here’s what I do know.  Three years ago I began having symptoms that slowed me down, made me uncomfortable, and eventually put me in bed for large chunks of time. For about the first two years of that discomfort I tried to fight back.  I was angry, complaining, and searching for a fix to my problem.  (And, guys, I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t still welcome a fix to this problem.) But about a year ago, I shifted gears. God had provided a way for me to be still in this illness — he allowed me some time off from work and busyness.  In that stillness, He inserted time for me to write.  He inserted friends who included me in Bible study and prayer.  He provided resources that spoke directly to my need. He entered into my illness with me.

Now, I am not implying that He could not have entered into my busyness in a different way.  Not at all.  I am saying that once I was slowed down, for whatever reason, I was able to more clearly see His involvement in my life.  For that reason, I am thankful for my autoimmune disease.  I don’t love my autoimmune disease, but I am thankful for it.  And I believe that God will continue to work in this and all circumstances. I have no idea what He has planned, but I am confident that His plans are exponentially better than mine.

Romans 8:28

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,…

Hi, honey, I’m home!

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

Really, I’m home.  I wasn’t supposed to be.  I was supposed to be in the car with my husband driving to St. Louis for a wedding.  But I’m sitting in a chair, in my pajamas, amid papers, books, and empty glasses and cups.

I overdid it.

I know, I know.  You saw this coming from a mile away.  Who did I think I was, agreeing to work so many hours and travel three weekends in a row?

A friend asked me yesterday when I planned to leave for my trip.  When I told her I wasn’t going, she looked shocked.  I get it.  From the outside I look fine.  Really.  It is only inside my house where I collapse in pajamas and let the fatigue and pain rise to the surface.  It’s the weirdest thing.

Each morning, when my alarm goes off, I have to convince myself to get out of bed.  It can take anywhere from five to twenty minutes.  (This is shocking to my husband who used to comment on how fast I leapt out of bed in the morning proclaiming, “Let’s go running!) Once I drag myself to my feet, the first few steps look like those of a double amputee trying out prosthetics for the first time — wobbly, jerky, and uncoordinated.  By the time I make it to the bathroom, my steps are getting smoother.  After a shower, a smoothie, and a cup of green tea, I have been magically transformed into the semblance of a professional educator.  I am dressed, my hair is combed, I have even put on makeup.

After the 15 minute drive to work, the second cup of tea — strong and black — is starting to work and I am energized and looking forward to my day.  Before I know it, I have worked with four students for an hour each and it is time for my lunch.  Typically I walk across the street to the mall, take a lap, get a second cup of strong black tea, and make my way back to work.

Amazingly, I have the clarity of mind to work with three or four more students before I clock out and stumble my way to the car.  Typically it is driven by a family member — partly because we are sharing a car, but partly because no one knows for sure if I will remember how to get home after a seven to eight hour work day.

Once inside my house, I shed professional attire and don one of two standards — pajamas or yoga pants.  If I have any steam left at all, I make myself go on a walk.  If I am totally depleted, I collapse with an ice pack on the couch. Dinner?  Totally optional.  By 5pm I care very little about food or drink.  I am mostly into the staring portion of my day where I play Words With Friends, ‘like’ Facebook posts, and watch junk television.

If I have any cognitive functioning left, I might read…but nothing too heady…mostly young adult fiction or Jodi Picoult.

Finally, I surrender to sleep, setting the alarm to start the process over again the next day.

That is my life with autoimmune disease.  It is very different from the life I once lived. It is frustrating, because the person inside of me still wants to take road trips to St. Louis, to hang out with friends in the evening, to go to the movies, to play cards, and to regularly hit the gym.

And I can still do all of those things, but not if I work full time.  That is the exchange.  I can either work full time and do nothing else, or I can agree to work only part-time and maintain some semblance of normalcy outside of work.

I already knew this, of course, even before this summer working experiment.  But I needed to see it again.

When I took six months off from work, I started feeling pretty well!  I was working out, taking care of myself, and interacting with friends.  I started to think I had just been exhausted and that I would be fine getting back to my old routines.  That is the trick of this invisible illness.  You can forget that you have it.  You even start to feel a bit like a baby because you put limits on yourself that don’t seem necessary to those looking on — “What do you mean you have to sit down for a little while?”  “You can’t go grocery shopping and out to the movies on the same day?” “You look just fine to me!”

A person with autoimmune disease has to trust herself and stand up for herself even when it doesn’t make sense to others.  Yes, I do have to sit, or lie, down for a while. No, I don’t like to plan two outings on the same day.  Yes, I do look fine, but you can’t see how I feel.

And right now, I feel exhausted.  So, I am home.

Last week, we visited our son’s church where the guest pastor said the words, “God will sometimes immobilize you in order to circumcise your heart.”  I wrote those words down.  My journey over the last three years has been all about recognizing that I had been moving so fast, kicking butts and taking names, that I had been failing to turn to God as my strength.  I’m not mad that He loved me enough to take all my strength — to immobilize me —  so that I would reconnect with Him.  But, old habits die hard; I will probably need to learn this lesson over time.

2 Corinthians 12:9

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

Every t crossed, every i dotted

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

I’ve been sitting here in my house by the river for seven months.  I have settled into my freedom of sleeping as long as I want, making plans for whenever I want, eating what I like when I like it, and changing plans at the drop of a hat.  If I want to go for a walk, I might go at 10am, or noon, or 3pm, or 7pm.  If I need groceries, I go when I get around to it.  I might stay in my pajamas all day, or be out the door pressed and dressed at 9am.  It’s a life of luxury.

But, guys, I got a job!

I know, I know, I’ve been trying to get a job for most of those seven months.  I have been crying about wanting something to do, something to do.  I have complained about my restlessness and need for something more…and now I have it!!

So, before I start work next Monday, I am trying to suck up my last moments of relaxation and freedom while also tying up the loose ends of everything I’ve started over the last months.

You may remember that I got very excited about a project with Days for Girls (http://www.daysforgirls.org/).  I am happy to report that by the end of this week a friend and I will have completed 10 hygiene kits for girls in Africa.   Many girls miss up to two months of school because they do not have the sanitary supplies that would allow them to attend during their periods.These kits will provide the supplies they need to stay in school.

Last week, the battalion and I finished our study on The Sermon on the Mount — I’m going to have to pass on the next study while I go through my training for my new job, but I am hopeful that I will get to rejoin them in the fall.  In the meantime, I will carry them in my heart right beside the lessons we have learned together.

I put the last few pieces in my latest 1000 piece puzzle last night.  I think the puzzle table might remain bare for a few weeks while I get my bearings.

Because, guys, I’ve got a job!

I was thinking yesterday about how perfectly God chose this job for me:

  • It’s working with students one-on-one.  This is really my favorite part of teaching.  I will work with the same students every day, one at a time, for one hour each.  I will get to know my students, watch them grow, laugh with them, and celebrate our victories together.
  • It is part-time.  When asked in the interview if I would rather work full- or part-time I replied that I would prefer part-time, unless that would eliminate me from the position.  The interviewer replied, “Not at all.” I can determine how many hours I would like to work.
  • It’s a seasonal position.  I only had to commit through August.  This allows me an opportunity to see if I can manage working five days a week.  Since students commit to five days a week and see the same teachers every day, teachers must also commit to five days a week.  If by the end of August I have determined that five days is too much, I can leave gracefully and move on to what’s next.  If I like the position, I will be eligible to apply for regular employment.
  • It’s an entry-level position.  Translation: the pay is not great, but the responsibilities aren’t either!  Someone else will write lesson plans that I will execute.  I will have no grading to take home — no stack!
  • I will be learning.  Before I even start teaching, I will have eighty hours of training that will equip me to help students who have always struggled with reading.  I love to learn.  Even better, I love to share what I have learned with others.  This is a perfect set-up for me.

How did I end up with such an awesome situation? My Headhunter found me this job.  He has known me since before I was born.   He knit me together in my mother’s womb. He not only provided a job that meets my needs,  He provided me with just enough time to finish my projects so that I can enjoy Easter weekend with my family before I start work on Monday.  He crossed every t and dotted every i.

I don’t know why I thought He wouldn’t.

Matthew 6:8

for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.

Times of refreshing

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

When I started my car this morning, the display on my dashboard said it was -5 degrees Fahrenheit outside.  Poor Suzy the Cruz-e chugged into action despite the frigidity. I let her get her bearings while I took Chester outside for his morning ritual.  He did what was needed and then gladly went back into the house. Grabbing my bag, I rejoined Suzy for the short drive to the gym.

At 8:00 am, the parking lot was less than half-filled.  With most of the area schools closed this morning, many likely chose to stay at home and not force their cars (or their bodies) into action.  But I hadn’t been to the gym in a few days, and I was feeling the need to move a little bit.

I climbed aboard the elliptical machine, plugged in my headphones, and listened to the Today Show.  The gym seemed a little warm to me, maybe to overcompensate for the -25 windchill outside.  I had to keep pushing myself through the 30 minute workout because I was fighting nausea.

I did finish the thirty minutes, then did a little bit of work on the weight machines.  Still fighting nausea, I went to the locker room and changed into my swimsuit.  It’s always a bit of an internal dialogue to switch out of sweaty clothes into a swimsuit.

“Come on, you know you will feel better if you get in the pool for a little while.”

“But it’s such a struggle to undress and dress.”

“Stop whining.  The water will be worth it.”

“I could just shower — that’s water.”

“Put on your swimsuit.”

“Fine.”

Once the swimsuit was on, I took the mandatory pre-swim shower then headed to the pool.  The larger pool, which is around 80 degrees, was filling up with women in preparation for a water aerobics class.  But my destination, the 92 degree salt water therapy pool, had just one person in it.  I walked down the steps into the soothing water and was overwhelmed by the amount of sunlight in the room.  One whole wall of the pool area is glass.  It’s an easterly facing wall, so the sun, as it rose, was pouring through the glass.  I sunk into the water, lifted my face to the sun, and leaked an audible, “Ahhhhhh….”

For those moments that I was floating, walking laps, and stretching in the therapy pool, I totally forgot how cold it was outside.  With the sun beaming in, and the warm water soothing my joints, I could have believed I was swimming outside in the summertime.

I didn’t stop there.  I moved from the therapy pool to the jacuzzi and soaked for a little longer. Then, I showered again, got dressed, and headed home to start my day.

It didn’t sound like a great idea to climb out of bed and go out into the freezing weather this morning.  I didn’t really want to stand outside to let the dog take care of his business.  I didn’t love doing thirty minutes of aerobic exercise.  Or lifting weights.  Or changing into my swimsuit.

But I loved sinking down into the water. The warm, soothing water.  The healing, restoring water.

A lot of life is going out into the cold, waiting for a dog to relieve himself, and trudging away on an elliptical machine when you think you might actually throw up.  But every once in a while, more often than I am sometimes willing to admit, we get to sink down into some warm, soothing water with sun shining on our faces.  I don’t want to live for those moments, because a lot of good comes from the tough stuff of life.  But, when I get an opportunity to sit in a jacuzzi, I want to drink it in, soak it up, and be restored.

These are the “times of refreshing [that] come from the presence of the Lord” (Acts 3:19).

Isaiah 30:15

In repentance and rest is your salvation; in quietness and trust is your strength.

A Day without Driving

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

I’m not getting in my car today.  I guess I should say, “Barring any unforeseen emergencies, I am not getting in my car today.”

When I was working full time, having a day when I didn’t have to get in the car was my idea of a day off.  Some people love to drive, not me.  I appreciate the fact that we have a vehicle, don’t get me wrong.  I am blessed to be able to drive to the gym, to the grocery store, to visit family, and to run for coffee.  But I just don’t love being in the car.

For one thing, I don’t sit well.  Even when I am at home, I move around a lot.  My family has gotten used to the fact that while we watch movies I fold laundry, or iron, or work on a puzzle, or play Words With Friends.  I have trained myself to linger after meals to chat without stacking and clearing the dishes.  I’ve already shared how I deep clean while talking on the phone. I’m not good at being still.  Not even in the car.

For another thing, I appreciate the risk that comes with driving.  I am a fairly good driver, contrary to my brothers’ opinions. I can drive in heavy traffic in the city, and I know how to be cautious in rain or snow. However, I am not the only one on the road.  Countless individuals climb behind the wheel everyday — some of them texting, or talking, or intoxicated, or distracted, or otherwise ill-equipped to be behind the wheel.  We are all just one poor choice away from an accident.  I appreciate that fact and the stress that comes with the risk of driving.

For the last six days I have driven every day.  I have had lots of social and work appointments. I have enjoyed them all — tutoring, and exercising, and going to Bible study, and joining friends for dinner.  It’s been fun!  And tomorrow we are climbing into the car to drive to Cincinnati to see our granddaughter.  More fun!  But today I need a day when I don’t have to get into the car.

I’ve already had the parade of beverages (thanks to my new, functioning blender).  I’ve done my Bible study.  Now, I’m going to do my Pilates while still in my pajamas.  I plan to finish a book I’m reading, handle some paperwork that is piled on my desk, and cook a proper meal for dinner. I’m going to breathe deeply today, cuddle with Chester, and maybe even throw on my boots and trudge through the snow with him on a mini-walk.

But I’m not going to get in the car.

Tomorrow?  That’s another story.  I’ve already made the list:

  • Make the final Minimalist Challenge donation
  • Stop at the bank
  • Exchange books at the library
  • Go to gym
  • Meet with former student
  • Drive to Cincinnati.

Yep, it’s going to be another day in the car.  But today? Today I will rest.

Isaiah 30:15

In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.

Tick, Tick, Tick

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

It’s December 3.  Can you hear that clock ticking?  I’ve been saying all along that I was going back to work on January 5.  That is just over one month away.

And not just any month — December!  December is busy for everyone, but for the Rathjes it might be just a bit crazier than it is for most.  We have four, yes 4, birthdays in our immediate family during December.  Two of our members are on academic calendars which have final exams during December.  And, we are involved in church work which is especially dense with activities during December.

So, after just three days in this month of all months I am sitting here thinking to myself, “am I really going to be ready to go to work on January 5?”

Now, if you’ve been paying attention, you know that I have cheated a little — I just finished editing a novel for a local author, I am coaching a graduate student through his dissertation, I have been blogging, I jumped in with both feet to a project making hygiene kits for women in Kenya, and I have been pretty busy exploring avenues for improving my health. I haven’t really been ‘sitting around eating bonbons’.

Certainly I haven’t been working nearly as hard as I had in years past.  I do take time almost every day to exercise and to rest, but I have been, at least in the last six weeks or so, fairly productive.  Yet I’m not sure I am quite ready to go back to work.

I saw a job posting today at the University of Michigan for an English Language Arts Specialist.  Doesn’t that sound fancy?  It’s a position that supports beginning teachers and the educators of beginning teachers. My wheels started turning and I thought, “Wouldn’t that be exciting to help shape tomorrow’s educators?” And then I remembered that I came home from my Bible study this morning, ate a bowl of soup, then plunked myself on the couch for a couple of hours.  “Come on, Kristin, what about that position working with non-traditional students trying to complete their diplomas, wouldn’t that be great?”  Yes, it would; I would love it, if I could be sure I would be able to get out of bed and to school every morning by 8:00.

Sigh.  I’m tired.

I know the plans I have for you…

I know.

Do not fear, for I have been pleased to give you the kingdom. 

I remember.

Don’t worry about tomorrow…each day has enough trouble of its own.

So true.

Many are the plans in your heart, but My purpose prevails. 

You promise?

I promise. 

Ok. Thanks.

I Peter 5:7

I will cast all my anxiety on You, because You care for me.

(Rathje Revised Version)

Thanksgiving in the Next Chapter, the rest of the story

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

I gotta tell you that Thanksgiving in the Next Chapter is different!  I really was planning on making the green bean casserole and baking the pie on Wednesday.  I was!  But it didn’t happen.  And it was ok! Let me tell you how it went down.

Wednesday I did go to the Post Office and I did try to look the clerk in the eyes, but he wouldn’t have it.  I swear he is a cyborg.  Every time I go in he says the exact same thing, moves in the exact same fashion, and perfectly avoids all eye contact or casual conversation.  I did manage to say, “Have a great day!” I think his automatic response was “You, too.”

I did hit the gym — thirty minutes on the elliptical, a few reps on the weights, ten laps in the pool, a short sit in the jacuzzi, a run through the shower and I was on my way.

I drove through Starbucks en route to the grocery store thinking to myself, “Really? You planned all week to go to the grocery story on the day before Thanksgiving?”

My daughter joined me on the phone and walked with me round the store, up and down the aisles, back and forth as I remembered and forgot different items on my list.  I let others go ahead of me and intentionally moved slowly. I think I was there for almost two hours.

I got regular text updates from my other daughter as she made her way across the country to join us for the holiday.  And I did pray over and over that her trip would be safe.

And by the time I got home from the grocery, I didn’t even have the steam to unload. Bye-bye, pie.  Bye-bye, green bean casserole.

I did have the presence of mind to purchase a rotisserie chicken, some deli cheese, assorted crackers, and such, so that I wouldn’t have to make dinner, but I had to lie down and rest before I could even think about attempting to put out the spread.

My son carried in the groceries, and he did also vacuum.  No one dusted.  And, you know, I watched as the new Kristin was ok with all of this.  She sat in bed watching three episodes of Gilmore Girls.  She closed her eyes for a while.  When she felt she could, she rose out of bed and put out some food for supper.

After hugging, eating, and chatting, everyone slept.

On Thanksgiving morning, we all rolled leisurely out of bed.  I put the turkey in the oven and made the green bean casserole.  The stuffing was a group effort with three people contributing their expertise.  A daughter made cranberry sauce expertly and whisked gravy like an old pro.  A boyfriend owned the pumpkin pie.  A son mashed potatoes and set the table.  The husband did the heavy lifting and much of the pre-, during-, and after-dinner clean-up.  Everyone helped get the feast on the table. We all chatted and enjoyed one another. And ultimately, everyone was delightfully stuffed.

We had no schedule.  No pressure.  No disappointment.

I climbed in bed with a book around 6:30.  I read and rested for a few hours before I was finally ready for sleep.

For the forty-eight hours of Thanksgiving, I didn’t once rush, and it all went perfectly.  Why didn’t I figure this out twenty years ago?  Because I thought my soldier strategy was working just fine, thankyouverymuch.  Let me be clear here, my soldier strategy sucked. (Sorry, Mom — she hates when I say ‘sucked’.) This is one more lesson in process over product, journey over destination, being over doing.  I’m getting it, guys.  It’s taking a while, but I am getting the message.  I can be still and know that He is God.  I can rest in the palm of his hand.   And, it’s much better for everyone when I do.

Psalm 46:10

Be still and know that I am God

Luke 12:32

Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.