Author: Kristin

I find that I think best when I write. If you choose to follow me, you will get a first-hand look at my thoughts as I contemplate life as a woman, wife, mother, daughter, writer, teacher, and follower of Jesus. Issues that seem to recur revolve around parenting, ministry, chronic illness, and teaching.

Mann tracht und Gott lacht.

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

I woke up exceptionally early this morning, and wasn’t ready to crawl out of bed right away, so I grabbed the book on my nightstand and began to read.  I typically read fiction, even though there is a stack of non-fiction waiting for me.  I prefer an escape into story to any type of reality, but especially to self-help books.  I really don’t want to read about how to manage my finances, what career is best for me in the second half of my life, or how to control my autoimmune disease. 

I want to get lost.  For a little while.  

So, this morning I grabbed Anna Quindlen’s Still Life with Bread Crumbs which I had started last night.  It’s the story of a once-famous photographer who has to re-locate in her 60s in order to gain control of her waning finances in the wake of divorce and decreased popularity.  She is struggling to re-enliven her career and find meaning for her life.  The scene I read this morning ended with her sharing with a new friend a statement that her father often said, “Mann tracht, und Gott lacht.”  Translation, man plans and God laughs.  

I laughed out loud.  God spoke to me through Anna Quindlen’s fiction.  You may think I have lost my mind by now.  And that may be true.  But, if I remember correctly, I finished yesterday’s post with the Scripture, “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but the Lord’s purpose prevails.” I plan, God laughs.  I plan, God directs.  He wants me to get it through my thick skull. He is God and I am not. 

I had lunch with a new friend yesterday.  Among the many things we discussed, we touched on how to find purpose and meaning at this season of our lives — you know, middle age.  How should we use our time?  What should we commit to? 

Later, on a walk with my husband, it came up again.  When I say yes to something, I say no to something else.  If I say yes to a full-time teaching position, I say no to most everything else.  If I say yes to working days, I say no to lunch dates.  If I say yes to a PhD program, I say no to reading much fiction.  

I am figuring and planning; God is laughing.  He knows the plans he has for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me.  Plans for good and not for evil.  (Jeremiah 29:11) His laughter is the gentle laughter of a parent saying, “Calm down, little one, I’ve got it under control. I know what you need before you ask.” 

For now, I believe, He has called me to rest and be still.  He will reveal what is next when it is time for what is next. 

In the mean time, I will be reading fiction and being pleasantly surprised when He uses even that to remind me that He’s got me in the palm of His hand. 

Isaiah 46:4

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you.

I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Sneak Peek at the possibilities

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Yesterday when I clicked ‘publish’ on this blog, I got a notification that I had just published my 50th post. Whoa.  I did something for fifty days in a row.  More or less.  I think I missed a couple of days in all this transition, but nevertheless, I have posted 50 times!  

And guess, what?  I like it!  Blogging has been, during this transition, a connection to those outside of my little house by the river, a way to ensure that I process my daily Bible reading, a log of my life, and a replacement for therapy.  Some of you have said that you enjoy it, too.  So, thanks for going on this journey with me. I hope it will continue for however long it is supposed to.  

I wish I knew how to translate this into a career, but each day I wake up and think I won’t have anything else to say.  That day is coming!  Also, it’s kind of precious to me that we have embarked on this journey for the pure sake of the journey.  I’d hate to commercialize it.  I keep hearing Holden Caulfield in my head.  

So, in the next little bit, I am going to share with you some of the ideas I have for what is next.  I am enjoying, as I often say, being a kept woman. However, we are young, we have bills to pay and a retirement to plan for.  I do plan to re-enter the work force.  I just don’t know what it will look like.  So, let’s start with a brainstorm of possibilities.  

  • Apply for the PhD program in English and Education at the University of Michigan…I am fascinated by how the language of our homes impacts our access to education.  U of M has an excellent program that would support my interest.  Pros: Extremely close to home, super interesting, paid position Cons: Wolverines, highly selective program (I may not get in), not sure I’ve got the physical/mental steam to do a PhD, demanding schedule, less flexibility
  • Apply to teach English Composition at Washtenaw Community College as an adjunct…the reason I got my Master’s degree was so that I could teach college composition.  I did that at Jackson Community College before we moved and at St. Charles Community College after we moved.  I also taught college composition at Lutheran North.  Pros: Extremely close to home, working in my expertise, paid position, discount on health club membership (!), high likelihood that I would be hired Cons: The stack
  • Apply for a totally different position — not related to English or writing at all — just a way to meet people and get fodder for my writing. I imagine a coffee house (though it’s difficult for me to be on my feet all day), or a bookstore, or a library…Pros: low stress, no stack, meet people outside our circle, can walk away at any time Cons: lower pay, not using my expertise, potentially more physically demanding
  • Apply for an airport job.  This sounds crazy, but I was talking with an old friend who works there and my brain screamed — “free flights!!” Our kids are in four different states and we are about to have a grandbaby.  I don’t know what in the world I would do at an airport, but “free flights!!” Pros: free flights! paid position Cons: twenty minute drive to work, stress, physically demanding?
  • Then there are all the free-lance things I could do: writing, tutoring, editing, consulting, etc.  Pros: totally my schedule Cons: totally my schedule, running my own business, keeping records, yuck.

It’s September 9, 2014.  The earliest I plan to work is January 9, 2014.  I have four months left to be still. I am almost expecting that God will place the perfect opportunity in front of me, that I will know it is from Him, and I will say out loud, “You had this planned the whole time!”  But the doer inside of me is nagging me to complete the application to the PhD program that I started last year at this time. The doer keeps going to online job postings.  

Sigh. 

Today, I am going to be still. And pray. And enjoy this grace period. January will be here soon enough. 

Proverbs 19:21

Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

Becoming Bi-lingual

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

I started re-reading the Gospel of John last Sunday.  I had read most of it last year with my small group in our home on Monday nights.  I have found, though, that each time I read a passage of Scripture, I see something new, something different.  One of my Bible teachers over the years made me memorize Hebrews 4:12, “The Word of God is living and active, sharper than any double edge sword.”  I believe it.  

So, I have been fumbling through John, again, with the disciples, shaking my head and thinking out loud, “what is he talking about!”  But today, the living and active word clarified itself for me.  In Chapter 8, Jesus is having a discussion with the Jews who believed in Him.  They are having trouble understanding Him. (I know, right!) He’s telling them they are slaves and that they need to be ‘set free’.  They don’t get it, they were never slaves!  Then he explains that they don’t understand because they have a different father — Satan, the father of lies.  (Oh, no he didn’t!) He says that Satan’s native language is lying!!  And remember, Jesus is full of grace and truth — his native language is the truth of God, full of grace! 

We don’t understand Jesus because we are learning His language. Because I was born in sin, my native language is sin. Since my baptism as an infant, I have been trying to acquire the language of Christ, sometimes more fervently than others, but let’s be honest, I really like to speak my native language the most. 

I saw this in my international students in St. Louis.  They had come to the United States to study in English to prepare for American universities.  We had a rule that while they were at school, they could speak ‘English only’.  However, it was very common to see Chinese students walking down the hall together, obviously speaking Mandarin.  It was more comfortable, more accessible, more familiar.  It felt like home. Speaking in English, for them, was often hard work.  It was foreign, new, and hard to understand.   I can’t count how many times I told students from China, Korea, or Vietnam, “the more you use it, the easier it will get.”

Sometimes I am such a slow learner, I amaze myself. 

I am just like my students.  I like to speak my native language.  It just rolls off the tongue.  Sure, a few people get hurt by the sharpness of my words, but man they feel good to say.  And, really, they aren’t lies.  I told you, I tell the truth…at least my version of the truth.  And, to be honest, reading the Bible is difficult.  I often don’t understand what Jesus is trying to say.  He speaks in parables and metaphors. I know, I know, I’m an English teacher, I should love that stuff.  But, I don’t get it all the time.  

“The more you use it, the easier it will get.” Sigh. 

Last Sunday I heard the challenge to spend more time in God’s truth, to become more familiar with his grace.  I am going to stick with it.  “The more I use it, the easier it will get.”  I really do want to be fluent in truth and grace.   

 

 

 

Sunday morning musing

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

It’s a quiet Sunday morning. Sunny and sixty degrees.  I’m sitting outside.  The chapel bell just told me that it’s 9:00 a.m.  Pairs of students walk by me, some going toward breakfast.  Some dressed as though they are walking toward church.  

We’ll be headed to church soon, too.  This morning we are visiting the chapel at the University of Michigan.  (Perhaps we should dress in mourning clothes after last night’s game. Yikes.) A few years ago some folks from this congregation visited us at our coffee house ministry in St. Louis.  They wanted to follow the model of Crave and open their own coffee house.  And, they did it.  Today we will worship with them in their coffee house.  That’s pretty cool.  

Connections.  You wouldn’t believe all the connections. 

Yesterday we were at Concordia’s first home football game and my husband introduced me to a parent of a student.  He said I had graduated from high school with his sister.  Indeed, I had!  In fact, this gentleman and I had actually attended the same congregation in a small town in Michigan in the early 1970s!  We exchanged familiar names, smiled, and shook our heads in wonder at the connections. 

Also at the game, I sat next to a man who went to Concordia with me in the 1980s.  He was a basketball player, I was a bookworm, but we were in the same English class together.  In fact, the professor who taught that class was also at the game!!!  I am not making this up!

It’s amazing until you remember that we are all sitting in the palm of His hand.  Wander around that palm long enough, talk to enough people, and you are bound to find some connections.  

I made a new connection yesterday.  I met a woman I had been hearing about for quite some time.  She took my phone number and said she would call to arrange a ‘play date’ in Ann Arbor.  How awesome does that sound?  

I have been very busy for a very long time.  I haven’t had the time or the energy to notice all the connections in my life.  They’ve been there, I just haven’t sat back and appreciated them.  I appreciate them now.  

I am very thankful for this next chapter, for this moment to be still.  

 I Corinthians 12:27

Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. 

The Dean’s Wife

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

One of my roles in this next chapter is to be the wife of the Dean of Students.  So far, that has meant smiling pleasantly as I have met dozens of people who were beginning to wonder if my husband really had a wife at all.  He had been referring to me for close to a year with no physical evidence of my existence.   So, many have shaken my hand and said, “so he really does have a wife.”  Indeed. 

I have made a couple official appearances — the faculty back-to-school picnic and a volleyball team dinner — and several informal ones — football scrimmages, a volleyball tournament, a community service day, a color run, and others. We are still in the honeymoon phase; I am still meeting new people everywhere I go. 

Today, I will meet even more new people and hopefully see some old friends.  It is the university’s first official home football game.  The president of the university, the president of the Michigan District of the Lutheran Church, their wives, and other VIPs will be there.  We have also invited alumni and friends that I haven’t seen in many years. The day will be full of smiles, handshakes, hugs, and hopefully a little football.

I sometimes wonder what God is thinking.  I mean my husband is perfect for this position.  He is kind, thoughtful, consistent, and the consummate professional.  I’m a bit of a different story.  Remember, I am the truth teller.  Stuff just blurts out of my mouth whenever it wants to. I have gotten better over the years at holding my thoughts in, but my face, as I have mentioned, often tells the whole story.  

So on days like today, I get a little nervous.  I know I can greet people and make small talk.  I will probably even evoke a little innocent laughter.  But there is always a chance that my guard will drop and I will say something … true.  Oy.  

I never know what is going to trigger it.  I am usually in the middle of innocent conversation.  You know, relocation, the house, the kids, Ann Arbor, and then someone will ask a question or make a comment that triggers a sensitivity and — blurt — there it is.  I have a few hot buttons — race, education, poverty, inner city, church, politics…  People make comments that are fairly innocent, but they press one of those buttons and — whoops — it happens. 

One time it looked like this.  I was at church, mind you, several years ago. I was chatting lightly with another woman, another church worker’s wife.  

Her: “Your high school always beats our high school in sports.”

Me: “I’ve noticed that.  Especially football.”

Her: “Do you think that’s because your students are black?”

Me: “I’ve never thought about it that way.” (I was able to hold back what I was thinking: “Wow. That is such a racist comment.  I have just changed my whole opinion of you.” However, I am pretty sure that my face registered my disgust.)

I have tried to coach myself.  “When the button gets pushed, ask a question.  You are not personally responsible to change the whole world today. You can just enter into dialogue.  Try dialogue.”  I re-envision that former conversation as this.

Her: “Do you think that’s because your students are black?”

Me: “Do you think that race determines athletic ability?”  

But see, even then, I am pretty sure my face would have an aggressive stance.  Or one that says, “Seriously? You think that race determines athletic ability? Really?”

See, I told you.  I am all over the truth, but I forget the grace.  Let me try one more time. 

Her: “Do you think that’s because your students are black?”

Me: “Hm.  I’ve never thought of that.  I wonder if it’s because they are better athletes?” A little laughter.  A smile.  Still the truth.  Not trying to hurt anyone. That wasn’t so bad, was it? 

I’m on a journey, folks.  I am a work in progress.  And, I am the Dean’s wife.  Lord, have mercy.  

Psalm 34:13 

Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking lies

Ephesisans 4:15

…speaking the truth in love…

 

 

Unplugged, chapter 2

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

John 6: 68

Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. 

My daughter leaves on a missionary internship today.  Part of her enculturation process is that she will have to be technology-free (no phone, no internet, no television, etc.) for SIX WEEKS with the exception of Sundays.  On Sundays she can use her phone to call us, or post on Facebook, or post an entry on the blog she has created.  But for the other six days of the week, she will be unplugged. 

We have joked a bit over the last couple of days about what it will be like when she has a question and she can’t go to Google for her answer.  Think about it.  How often do you Google something during the average day?  What would you do if you needed to know, say, where the nearest Target was, and you couldn’t Google it? 

Why, children, back in my day, if we wanted to know where something was, we asked someone. Yes, a real human being.  You might get a response like, “Well, you head west on M-46 until you see the Big Boy.  Turn left there.  It’s about three-quarters of a mile down the road. You can’t miss it.” (**To my Gratiot County friends, a girl can dream, can’t she?)

Sometimes we wrote the directions down, but more often, we recited them back, “M-46 to the Big Boy, take a left, three-quarters of  mile.  Thanks!” After we’d driven to a certain location a few times, it was committed to memory.  It was likely that we gave similar to directions to the next guy who needed to find the Target. 

I learned most things this way, by someone telling me. I learned how to French braid my hair, how to cook McDonald’s French fries, how to drive a car (Thanks, Roger), and how to fill out a 1040EZ tax form.  Someone told me, and likely showed me. 

I think that is the point of MissionYear telling its interns that they have to put the technology away for six weeks.  MissionYear’s strategy is for the volunteers to immerse themselves in the community, to make connections, and build relationships.  It’s a little easier to build relationships when you actually speak to people.  When we walk around with our faces in our phones, finding our own answers, we don’t have to interact, don’t have to ask for help, don’t have to rely on anyone else.  

It’s the American way. 

Sometimes we have to do something a little counter-culture.  We have to put the phone down.  We have to ask someone how to find the nearest Target.  Sometimes, they not only give us directions, but they walk along beside us for part of the way.  They ask us our names.  They ask where we’ve been.  They want to know our story. 

Google doesn’t care about your story.  Just sayin’. 

Now, I’m not suggesting that we all put down our phones and close up our laptops.  They have become permanent fixtures in our society, and they, too, are vehicles for connection.  Exhibit A, this blog.  However, perhaps today before you consult Google you might first ask a real human.  You never know, they may have the answer.  They may have a story.  They may share.  Just sayin’.

Psalm 5:11

Let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. 

Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

Empty Nest Eve

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Oh my goodness, while I wasn’t looking September got here!  And I am still in my pajamas at 10:20 in the morning!  Perhaps I will be able to make it to January after all. 

I don’t know, though.  We were shopping in a local Salvation Army yesterday and they were taking applications.  I said to my daughter, “Hey, they are taking applications!”  She said, “No.”  Crisis averted.  But she leaves for her internship tomorrow. 

That’s right. As of noon tomorrow, the nest will be empty. 

My husband and I are taking her to the airport and then going out for coffee to mark the occasion.  Later in the evening, we are going out for dinner.  And then it begins. 

What will I do first?  I think I need a nap. 

Actually, the university has its first official home football game on Saturday, so we are, of course, going to that.  Next week I think I will: use my one remaining pass for the fitness center that I am thinking of joining, get my Ann Arbor Library card, go to a quaint coffee shop, and plant something in those flower beds. 

Then I will take a nap.  And read a book.  And watch some Netflix. 

I gotta take advantage of this rest while I have got it.  It won’t last forever.  

I’m gonna try, at least for next week, to not look ahead too far, to not apply for any jobs, to not plan out the next fifty years of my life.  

I think I can, I think I can. 

And, of course, I will continue to read to find the Grace with the Truth,  to acknowledge that He is God and I am not, and to write about my journey into this next chapter. 

Psalm 46:10

Be still and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.

 

 

 

What is He talking about?

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Did you ever think that Jesus was difficult to understand? Sometimes, ok, most of the time, I read the red letters and I think to myself, “what is He talking about?” I mean, I have been going to church and Sunday school since the 1960s and learned the Bible stories on flannel boards and through Veggie Tales.  I know what other people think He means, but seriously, did you ever just look at the words?   

“if you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.”

“Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

“God is spirit,  and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”

He said all of this to the Samaritan woman at the well.  If I was her, I would have been thinking, “what is He talking about?”  

He seems kind of cryptic to me.  What is all this talk of water and spirit.  I know what I learned in Sunday school, and confirmation class, and Christian dogmatics (seriously, I am a professional church worker, I should not be sitting here shaking my head like this).  I know the tenets of the Christian faith and even the theology of the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod.  But seriously, Jesus is difficult for me to understand. 

This creates a problem.  If Jesus is the Word, and the Word is Truth, and I want to learn more about grace and truth, I am in trouble.  I feel like there is a language gap.  

I have this sense that if I met Him at the well, or say, Starbucks, and I looked in His eyes, like the Samaritan woman did, I would know what he meant.  But what am I thinking? The disciples walked around with him for three years and they still didn’t get it most of the time.  I have seen Jesus in the Bible several times shaking his head at the disciples, thinking to Himself, “why don’t they get it?!”  He even says it out loud, “I told you all this, and still you don’t understand!”  

And every time he has that kind of interaction with the disciples, I think to myself, “shoot, I don’t get it either!”  If he told me he was going to “knock down the temple and raise it in three days,” I would have thought he was crazy.  If he said, “I am going away to prepare a place for you, yeah, I was dead, but you can see that I’m alive now, and I am going to heaven now to be with my dad, and I’ll come back for you.”  I would have thought he was waiting for the little white van to show up with the straight jacket. 

And yet for close to half a century, I have put my faith in the saving grace of Jesus Christ. I am counting on His saving grace.  I am a mess without Him. I need Him every minute of every day.  

I don’t understand why God would create us, knowing that we would not be capable of understanding His love, His Son, His purpose.  Knowing that we would daily decide that we know more than He does.  Knowing that we would totally deny His grace and His truth. 

I don’t understand it at all.  But I believe it. I believe that God is God and I am not.  I believe that Jesus came to save me.  I believe that the Spirit dwells in me.  I don’t understand why all this is true.  But, I know that God is full of grace and truth. 

Phillipians 4:7

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. 

In good company

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Guys, David had back pain!  Listen to this…”my back is filled with searing pain, there is no health in my body…” (Psalm 38:7).  Why is it that knowing someone else suffered like I do makes me feel a little better?  

Haven’t you been in that conversation?  Your friend starts describing her situation, “my son just won’t talk to me, he seems to spend all of his time in his room…” and you blurt out, “mine, too!”  Somehow knowing that you are not the only one experiencing what you are experiencing makes it seem a little less terrible.  

When I was a little girl my parents separated and then divorced.  It was the 1970s and divorce wasn’t as common, at least in my small town, as it is now.  I felt alone and so broken.  My poor teachers, parents, and friends.  I was such a crier anyway, and this really unleashed the tears.  I cried and cried and cried.  For years. It’s rather embarrassing to think about, actually.  I am a very messy crier, and, especially in middle school, I didn’t really care where I was crying.  It was pretty ugly.  

But God ‘stored up those tears in a bottle’ (Psalm 56:8).  Every single tear.  Kids, I’ve got a whole cellar full of bottles.  They are well-aged.  And mellowed.  And every once in a while I get to open a bottle and serve it to someone else.  It happens at unexpected times.  A student comes in between classes and confides, “Mrs. Rathje, my dad moved out last night…” Or a friend calls and says, “I don’t think I have any options left…” Their tears spill out.  I pull out the tissues and I open a bottle from my cellar.  My tears of anger and hurt and betrayal have mellowed and transformed into a balm of comfort. Through some miracle of God I am able to “comfort others with the comfort I have received from God” (2 Corinthians 1:4).  

Recently, a friend served me from her cellar.  When I was in the process of being diagnosed, I was confused and anxious.  She kept a bottle at her desk and willingly poured out the balm in small doses whenever I needed a little comfort. 

You all have your stories, I am sure of how you have served and been served from the storehouse of the tears of others.  Just yesterday, after I posted my whiny, complainy entry, a friend from my past sent me a message from her bottle.  It was encouraging, and strengthening. 

I don’t like being a whining, complaining drain on my friends and family.  Neither do you. But sometimes, guys, we hurt.  I am trying to learn how to be honest about my hurt without dwelling on it or becoming a burden to others.  I feel it is a delicate line. 

So, in my quest for truth, I go to God’s Word where he says, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2).  You can’t help me carry it unless you know I have it.  I can’t carry yours unless you allow me to see it. We’ve all got burdens.  Even David.  

I like to think that his Psalms are poured out from his bottles. I know I have been comforted with the comfort that he received from God. 

 

 

 

On ice

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

How do you filter through all the information that you are confronted with each week? I am on overload.  Let’s just look at one segment of my life and the messages I have had to decipher, filter, and interpret all week.  My health. 

On Wednesday I saw a my new rheumatologist at the U of M.  I was anticipating that she would say, “Yup, looks like you have psoriatic arthritis and you should continue with the treatment you have been using.”  That’s what my rheumatologist in St. Louis said would happen.  It didn’t go that way. 

Instead, she (and her superior) said that I probably don’t have psoriatic arthritis, but more likely fibromyalgia. I should probably discontinue the biologic medication I have been taking and do more exercise.  In fact, do 20 minutes on the elliptical each day before I go on the three-mile walk that I have been doing. (I did mention, by the way, that fatigue is my most prominent symptom, followed by joint pain, and then psoriasis.) 

So, what do I do with that?  The doctor who has been treating me for 18 months says psoriatic arthritis, moderate exercise, prescription NSAIDs, and biologics.  The doc who has known me for twenty minutes says fibromyalgia, fewer meds, more exercise.  

Well, as is my way, I got angry.  I don’t think I have fibromyalgia.  It’s true, I don’t really fit any diagnosis cleanly, but most people with autoimmune disease do not. I don’t look sick at all.  Many people with autoimmune disease do not. I felt a bit like a hypochondriac. I felt dismissed.  I fussed and fumed to my husband and my daughter into the next day. 

But, I agreed that since I am not working at the moment, and I have some time to experiment, I would try discontinuing one medication and adding more exercise. Let’s just see what happens.

 On Thursday I did twenty minutes on the elliptical and went for a three mile walk.  On Friday, I toured a fitness center and swam!  I fell in love and decided I would get a membership because I can do Pilates, yoga, swim, and use weights and cardio machines.  Saturday we sat on bleachers and watched a volleyball game and then stood while we ate burgers with some friends. After that, I went for my typical three mile walk.  

I woke up Sunday  in pain. I struggled to stand through the praise portion of worship because of the amount of pain in my SI joint.  I came home and rested. Yes, I had to rest after church.  Then, I thought a walk might help with the pain.  Wrong.  It got worse.  I spent the rest of the evening on ice.  I woke up this morning, made breakfast for my family, then went right back to the ice.

I would be taking an injection today if I had not agreed to discontinue my biologics.  But I am going to follow the plan.   However, in order to follow the plan, I have to get this pain under control.  So, I am trying to get in to see a chiropractor tomorrow.  Perhaps he can realign my SI and reduce my pain so that I can do more exercise.  

This is a lot of information, isn’t it?  You don’t really want to hear about all my medical stuff, do you?  It’s consuming.  And it’s only one segment of my life.  I have many other things I would like to be spending my time thinking about.  

But today, I am on the couch, on ice.  

I am trying to understand what God has for me in this next chapter of my life.  I really don’t want to spend it on the couch, or in doctors’ offices, or focusing on taking care of myself.  I am trying to be open.  I really wish this illness was in my head.  I really wish that I could just do more exercise, think positive thoughts, and get back to my old self. I don’t really think that is going to work. 

I am frustrated, but I am holding on to the hope that my new self, in this next chapter, whether in pain or not, will be a self that turns her eyes to God, that listens to His truth, and that accepts whatever He has for me. 

And in the mean time, I’ll be sitting here on ice.