So, a few days ago I ended my blog post with the scripture from Matthew 7, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.” Sounds simple, right?
I mean, didn’t I just write on Thursday about all the prayers that had been answered? I have seen the beauty of ask and receive, but in one area I am struggling.
My husband and I have a dear pastor friend — no, he’s more than that. I will call him a spiritual father — especially to my husband. He is a prayer pioneer who has spent more hours on his knees than anyone else I know. Since he heard about my illness he has prayed for me every day. Every. Single. Day. Several months ago he passed a book to me through my husband called How Can I Ask God for Physical Healing? So, knowing that it was from the man who we deeply respect and love, I opened and began reading it immediately, right? Nope. I actually stuck it in a drawer and forgot about it.
Why? Well, my reasoning has been that although my physical health is suffering, many areas of my life are much healthier than they have ever been. Why would I beg God to take something away that He has used to create dramatic change in my life? I mean, if He heals me, I will probably just go back to my butt-kicking, name-taking habits, right?
When I received this book I thought to myself, “(Sigh), I am not one of those name it and claim it type of people. If God decides to heal me, great. If He decides not to, that’ll be ok, too.” I mean, yes, my life is very different than it once was. I move more slowly, my thoughts get a bit cloudy, some of my activities are limited, but I’m not dying over here. I could live like this. I don’t love it, but worse things could happen. “I don’t need to read a book about healing; I am just coming to terms with the new realities of my life.”
So I was at work the other day when my husband sent me a text asking if I was done with the book; our friend wanted it back. Gulp. No, I hadn’t actually started it. Later in the day, my husband told me that we had been invited to this friend’s house for a family dinner — today.
Well, that was the nudge I needed. I read about a hundred pages yesterday and picked up the book again when I got home from church today. Here’s what I have so far — the book does not outline a 12-step process that ‘guarantees’ healing; I don’t know why I thought it would. It doesn’t tell me all the things I am doing wrong in my life or ways to change so that God will provide me with healing. It doesn’t say that God will heal me; it does say that God can.
Of course I knew that. I have said that all along. But, further, it challenges me to take a good long look at why I became sick in the first place — I have done this to a degree, but this gives me some additional areas to consider. It also challenges me to examine my relationship with God and what I believe about Him. I am fine with all of that, but I am getting to the sticky part of the healing prayer topic– you may have heard this language before, I know I have. Trusting God for healing. Using authoritative faith. Believing God for his promises.
Now, to be fair, I am judging the second half of the book before I have read it…and I am planning on giving the book back to its owner in just a few hours. I am not sure I will finish it. So, why am I blogging instead of reading? I think because I am not sure I want to totally invest myself in ‘believing for a miracle’. I mean, I do tend to invest 100%. And the book has already told me that God may choose not to heal me. What if I ‘believe for a miracle healing’ and I don’t get it? Will I be angry with God and give Him the silent treatment — again? I don’t know that I want to take that risk. I think I would feel better about just accepting what I have been given, walking in this path, and not questioning it.
You know what I mean?
But nagging in the back of my mind is this thought — why don’t you just finish reading it? will it kill you? is it possible that you could learn something or reshape your thinking? why are you so closed to this topic?
Ok, ok…I have another hour before we have to get in the car. Let me read a little further and see what I find. I’m trying not to be stubborn over here. I’ll let you now what happens.
John 16:23-24
I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name…
Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.
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