I used to get frustrated with students who sat in the writing lab staring at a blank screen.
Guess what I have been doing for almost an hour.
I’m sitting here in my pajamas, realizing that my cup of tea is almost empty and I have nothing to say.
My students prayed for this moment.
Chester is asleep under my desk. My husband has left for work. The remaining daughter is into her second hour of productivity. And here I sit.
I mean, I have been a little productive. I did send a couple of emails. I did clear a level on Candy Crush that had been giving me trouble. Don’t judge.
I want to start writing about my options for ‘what’s next’, but I am committed to not discussing that at least until September. And it’s only August 26! September 1 is Labor Day, so I can’t very well discuss career options or work on Labor Day! So I am going to have to find something to write about between now and September 2. That is seven whole posts!!!!!!!
Being still is hard!!!
Of course I have to admit that I’m not just sitting in my pajamas playing Candy Crush all day. I have managed to keep up on the laundry, cook a few meals, keep the house relatively orderly, go for walks, and meet new people every day.
And I also have to grudgingly admit that even that has worn me out. I woke up feeling not great today, which tells me I have to take extra care to rest. And that makes me a bit angry. I want to be able to do things. I had big dreams of going to quaint coffee shops to write, of exploring Ann Arbor, of going on adventures. I was hoping for endless possibilities.
But today, I think the reason it’s difficult to write is that reality is jumping up and down in front of me waving its arms. “Hey, Kristin, remember me? Reality? I am the knowledge that you have days like today where you struggle to get out of bed, your joints ache, you are exhausted, and you want to cry. Do you really think you can explore ‘what’s next’ with me standing right here?”
Hey, Reality, you suck.
But, Reality is, after all, reality. I do have days like this. I won’t crawl back into bed, but I will talk myself into doing Pilates, into going for a walk, into taking a break and maybe even a nap. I will look at the people in front of me and be thankful that I have this grace period to breathe and fully evaluate reality.
Only when I fully grasp my new reality will I be able to see what God has next for me.
Many are the plans in [my] heart,
but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.