You may be thinking to yourself, “Isn’t blogging doing something? I thought you were just trying to be.” Ah, grasshopper, things are not always as they appear.
From a very early age I have used writing to explore my thoughts and feelings, to access my inner self, my human being. I’m not sure how that started, but I can remember lying in my bed as a young girl with Bible in one hand and journal in the other. In fact, in the process of moving this time around I have found dozens of journals — cute little fabric bound books, battered spiral notebooks, and the latest, a Google doc. I have been journaling, on and off, my whole life. So, really, blogging, is just opening this process of exploration to others.
On the first day of this blog I admitted that I use doing to escape feeling. I use writing to explore feeling. When I am moving at top-speed, which is my comfort zone, I don’t take time to feel. Or to write. However, when I intentionally get up each morning, have my Bible reading, do a little Pilates, pour a cup of tea and spend an hour writing, I am taking the time to feel — to explore what is happening in my life, to think about it, to be honest with myself, and to dwell in the moment. In sharing this process with you, I have discovered I am building in a layer of accountability — to be consistent, to follow a thread, to not avoid the tough stuff that comes up. In fact, a few of you have responded to me in a variety of ways — this has been affirming, and thought-provoking, and humbling.
I am not sure what got into me the other day, when I jumped through all the hoops to create a blog. Perhaps the knowledge that I am entering the unknown territory of being still prompted me to go back to my comfort zone — Bible in one hand, words in the other. Perhaps I am just following the current blogging trend. Perhaps, at my age, I don’t mind having my thoughts open to a wider audience.
One thing I do know, as long as I have been using this practice of writing, I have found peace in the process. I sense that I hear more from God, that I am more calm, that I am more centered. So why do I get busy doing and abandon the process over and over again? Will I do that this time? Will I blog every day for one hundred days and then get a job and forget about my blog — about my Bible and words? About connecting to my inner being? I don’t know.
One thing I am learning is that I can’t not do something because I might not stick with it. Today I woke up, got out of bed, read Matthew 7, brewed a cup of tea, and sat down to write. I am planning on doing something similar tomorrow. I pray that this season of somewhat forced being will allow me to embrace this practice more fully than I have before, to more completely and consistently connect with my interior self, and to listen more carefully to God.
Jesus said to his disciples in Matthew 7, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you.” It’s that simple. I don’t need to do a lot in the next several months. But I do need to ask, seek, and knock. What do you want me to do, Lord? Right now the answer I am getting is, “Be still. Listen. Write.” Ok.