My life as a lab rat

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

Did you ever feel like a lab rat?

Let’s think about lab rats for a moment.  They stay in cages and are given a variety of ‘treatments’ and then are ‘observed’.  They really don’t do anything else.

My nephew is a physician.  During medical school, he told us about a summer during which he daily practiced sutures on a lab rat.  Each day he would take the rat out of the cage, anesthetize it, slice it open, suture it up, then put it back in its cage.  Poor rat.

Ok, I don’t really feel like a lab rat, but I do share some characteristics with one.  You already know that I love my little house by the river, so I won’t compare it to a cage.  After all, I have a lovely view, I can come and go as I please, I make my own food, and I have the steady companionship of my husband and my dog.  However,  even though I am not currently ‘caged’, I am an object of experimentation.

You may recall that my doctors are unsure of my diagnosis; they don’t think I have Psoriatic Arthritis, which is what my doctors in St. Louis diagnosed me with. So, experiment #1, they discontinued one of my medications — the biologic, Humira, which is used to treat Psoriatic Arthritis, Rheumatoid Arthritis and other autoimmune diseases.  They are currently observing me to see the effects of that change.  Two doctors stood near me last Wednesday and asked me questions about what symptoms were resurfacing, and asked if I thought they warranted taking the medication I had been on.  We agreed to do some more observing.

They also decided to add a new medication, Neurontin, which they said is used for fibromyalgia,  to see if it alleviates some of these symptoms. Experiment #2. Well, since I am not currently working, and am not in danger of missing work due to illness, I agreed to give it a try.  I mean, maybe they are right.  Maybe I do have fibromyalgia.  And if I do, doesn’t it seem that Neurontin would help with my symptoms?

Well, here’s where I differ from a lab rat.  I have a computer and am quite adept at doing my own research.  I do have a master’s degree and a bachelor’s degree, after all.  So, my research shows me that Neurontin is used to treat epilepsy and the nerve pain associated with shingles.  Let me assure you that I do not have epilepsy, nor have I had shingles.  Now, I have been around doctors long enough to know that medicines can be helpful to treat maladies for which they were not originally designed.  So, I did more research to see if people with fibromyalgia had any success with Neurontin.  The results I found were overwhelmingly, ‘No.’  In fact, it seems that Neurontin is great at causing sleep, lethargy, dizziness and weight gain.  Great.

So, I am supposed to take 300 mg at bedtime for one week to see if that ‘helps’.   Then I am can, “if you want” take 300 mg in the morning and 300 mg at midday.  Really?  They are letting the rat decide if she wants to sleep more, be more lethargic, dizzier, and heavier?

I have been taking it for four days.  No, I don’t feel better.  Yes, I sleep very well.  I sure hope I haven’t gained weight in four days.  Lethargy?  I mean, we may or may not have watched ten episodes of Criminal Minds this weekend while lounging on the couch.  But, I did also go to the gym on Friday, walk on Saturday and Sunday, and yell loudly every time Michigan State scored against the University of Michigan.

This rat is skeptical.  But, two years into this thing, nothing has really alleviated all the symptoms.  No tests exists to definitively diagnosis what I have.  In fact, all my labs say I am ‘normal’.  [Insert laughter here].  Actually, if I was truly a rat, no doctors or scientists would be doing anything to me.  From the outside, I look just fine.

But I am not a rat.  And I can tell you that I am not just fine.  But I can also tell you that what I have is not life-threatening, it just slows me down. It makes me uncomfortable, and it forces me to rely on others.  Because I hurt, I have more empathy for others. Because I am slowed down, I have more time to listen.

Do I want a cure for that?  I think I need more time for observation.

Isaiah 55:9

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways,

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

Is it possible to have the spiritual gift of tears? I have often thought I could get a gig as a professional wailer for funerals.  When I was a child, I could be counted on to cry at any given occasion, usually because I wasn’t getting my way, but also because I was sad, or tired, or hungry, or one of my brothers had poked me one too many times.

As I grew older, something changed, and I don’t always produce tears on behalf of myself.  I might get a little choked up at a goodbye, but rarely do I really sob because of something that is happening to me or about me.

But let me see someone I love hurting, and look out!  I don’t even really need to know what they are hurting about.  If someone dear to me has a tear in her eye, my eyes will well up to match it.  If someone I know has lost someone dear, I will weep with them.  But what’s really weird is the fact that I can see a total stranger sobbing and I, too, will feel overcome with emotion.  Does everyone do this?  Or is it just me?

Yesterday, I had a good reason to cry.  I attended the memorial service for a dear friend who died almost one month ago.  I hadn’t seen her in three years, so it’s not like I will miss our daily interactions.  She holds a dear place in my heart because of her impact on my life, but I am actually thanking God for taking her after eight long years of battle with breast cancer.  My body sighs relief to match her relief.  But, despite the fact that I am happy for her, I sobbed yesterday.

And, not really for myself.  I think I can be honest about that.  The service was at the church she had belonged to for twenty years — where she and her husband had raised their daughters. Many friends had come to share in the celebration of a woman who certainly beamed joy into every room she entered.  All the music was up-beat praise music, which is what my friend and her family loved.  It all proclaimed the hope she had in Jesus and the certainty of her salvation.  None of this made me cry.

What made me cry was watching the back of her tall, broad-shouldered husband of forty years, standing in the front row without her, singing the words of the songs, nodding his head in agreement. What made me leak tears was seeing her daughter embrace her granddaughter, sharing tears of loss and sadness.  What made me sob was watching her other daughter stand erect and sure, dabbing at her eyes, then walking to the front of the church to share beautifully her mother’s legacy which she challenged friends and family to carry on.

My day to day life will not be changed because my friend has changed addresses.  The lives of her family will never be the same.  For them, I wept.  For them, I pray for comfort.

Revelation 21:4

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more,

neither shall their be mourning, nor crying, nor pain any more…

Evaluating Exchanges

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

It came this morning — my first rejection notice.  “Thank you for taking the time to apply.  We are contacting you to let you know that the position has been filled.”  I should have kept every letter or email like this I have received over the years.  You can’t be addicted to applying for jobs without experiencing the rejection letter.  And, just like with parking tickets and library fines, I take rejection letters in stride.

I actually was not surprised by this one at all.  The position needed to be filled as soon as possible, and I recorded that I would be available starting January 5.  This letter didn’t sting.  Actually, it spurred me on to look for more openings and to put in more applications.  You know, improve my chances.  So, I checked all my usual spots for jobs, to no avail, and then said to myself, “OK, on to blogging.”

The fact is, as much as I am looking forward to finding a position, I know I will make an exchange when I am actually hired.  I will exchange availability for schedule.  I will exchange boredom for activity.  I will exchange rest for work.  I will exchange energy for pay.  It’s math, guys.  24 hours – 0 working hours = 24 Kristin hours.  Right now I spend each of those hours virtually as I please.  I sleep for 8-10 of them.  Yeah, I know — luxury.  I cook for 1.  I read for 1-2.  I exercise for 1-2.  I socialize for 1-2.  I do Bible study and blog for 1-2.  I rest for 1-2.  I clean or run errands for 1-2.  And pretty soon, my twenty-four hours is used up!

Now, one thing I know about math (besides the fact that I am lousy at teaching it) is that it is consistent.  It always works.  So, if I work for 4 hours a day and sleep for 10 hours a day, that leaves for 10 hours for everything else — exercise, cooking, cleaning, shopping, socializing, spending time with family (including my husband, of course), and resting.  That might work.  If I spend 8 hours a day working and 10 hours a day sleeping, I have six hours left for everything else.

Before I slowed down due to my physical limitations, I was spending about eleven hours a day with work-related activities — travel to and from work, actual time at school, grading and prepping, and extracurricular activities.  I started to realize that something needed to change when I would drive dazedly (I think that’s a word!) home from work, collapse onto my couch, and then crawl off to bed before I started the whole cycle again.  After all, 24 minus 11 hours at work minus 10 hours of sleep = enough time to shower, eat, switch one load of laundry, and respond gruntingly to the people I love the most.

I can’t go back to that. I would exchange too much.  I am not willing to trade time on the phone with a daughter or son for time in the car.  I am not willing to trade dinners with my husband for supervising a hallway.  I am not willing to trade time blogging for time grading papers.

But I think I am willing to trade a couple hours of Netflix for a couple hours in a library, or teaching a community college course, or editing a dissertation. I am willing to trade time spent hunting for jobs for doing an actual job. I am willing to let my husband cook dinner occasionally so that I can use my God-given gifts to connect with others.

I am close to the time when I will be ready to make an exchange. But I won’t trade time with my son who is coming home on leave next month. I won’t trade the Christmas holidays with my daughters who will both be here.  I won’t trade meeting my new granddaughter.  I won’t trade walks with my husband.  I won’t trade time re-connecting with Jesus.

This gift of time, of being still has allowed me to appreciate the value of time with those I love the most.  It’s worth more to me than any job, any title, any paycheck.

I won’t trade it for anything.

Matthew 6:21

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Hi, honey, I’m ho-ome.

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Guys, I have a couple of problems — parking tickets and library fines.  (I am not going to mention jury duty at the moment, because I don’t currently have a summons.)

I do realize that these are first-world problems and that I could have it much worse, but perhaps I need an intervention.

I have paid so many library fines and parking tickets in my life that I no longer get upset by them.  Sure, I feed the meter like everyone else.  Yes, I observe the due dates stamped inside my library books (which, by the way, the Ann Arbor District Library does not supply). But, you know, stuff happens.

Like yesterday.  I was meeting some friends for lunch and a cooking class (which were both fabulous by the way).  I asked in advance (I have witnesses) what the parking options were and if I could avoid feeding a meter.  Turns out we were in the very popular Kerrytown area, on a Wednesday, which happens to be market day, which happens to be extra crowded.  The only parking lot was crammed full.  I drove around figuring out the one-way streets for close to ten minutes before I found the perfect spot just steps from our lunch destination.  Woo-hoo!  I had combed the bottom of my purse earlier in the morning, collecting all the loose change I had — a few dollars’ worth, so I fed ALL of it into the meter.  That bought me enough time for lunch.  I told myself that I would get change for the few ones inside my wallet before we headed to our class.

Well, you know, we had such a nice time talking over our delicious lunches that I forgot to get change.  Once outside, I glanced at my dear, Suze Cruze sitting in her perfect spot next to an empty meter and thought to myself, “Oh well, probably going to get a ticket today.”  But, one of the other, more responsible, ladies said, “Oh, I better feed the meter,” so I said, “does anyone have any change?”  Of course one of them did.  I asked if she had one dollar’s worth, or two.  She only had one.  So, I said, “That’s ok, I like living on the edge.”  Yes, I seriously said that out loud.

I may never learn.

I fed the four quarters into the slot, and headed to the class.  I was gone just over one hour and returned to find the lovely white envelope along with the curled up citation pinched ever so daintily under my windshield wiper.  Ah, yes, I thought.   The world is as it should be.  I was past the time, I got a ticket.  I have finally arrived at home in Ann Arbor.

But I am telling you, St. Louis misses me.  Right in front of our home in St. Louis was a sign that read “No parking, first Tuesday (or was it Monday) of every month. Noon to 4pm (or was it 8am to noon).”  We lived there six year, folks.  And I couldn’t tell you which day or time we weren’t supposed to park there.  Even after paying who knows how many  $10 parking tickets.  But here’s the thing.  In my heart of hearts I believe that those fines are serving some noble purpose.  (Don’t burst my bubble.) You know, all of that money I ‘invested’ in St. Louis parking probably financed a couple of handicapped parking spots.  Right? Or re-surfaced a road downtown.  It’s possible.

And as for those library fines?  They are purchasing much needed books for all the children in the world.  Yes, I currently owe $3 to the Ann Arbor District Library.  I borrowed a DVD, and you can only keep those for one week.  Of course,  I forgot about it.  And every day you are late costs $1.  But while other people might be upset by this, I feel welcomed by the Ann Arbor District Library.  It’s like they were notified by the St. Louis Public Library who said, “Hey, Rathje’s moving to town, and she’s good for lots of fines.  Keep your eye on her.”

This morning I went online to pay my parking ticket.  Tomorrow I’ll stop by and pay my library fine.  (I’m still waiting for the jury summons to show up.)  Hi, honey, I’m ho-ome!

Ecclesiastes 3:4

“…a time to laugh…”

Yay! Wednesday!!

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

It’s Wednesday.  You know what that means — Bible study.

I am not sure why I feel such a draw to this group, but I do.  Perhaps it’s the sequence of events that led me to these ladies (see “One Thing Leads to Another” if you are interested).  Maybe it’s the fact that this is the first group in Ann Arbor that is ‘mine’, not my husband’s.  Maybe it’s the fact that the actual study we are doing is pretty spot-on relevant to my life at the moment.  But I want you to know that after five weeks I am scheduling trips, appointments,  and (potential) work around it.

Twenty-one ladies if we are all there.  That’s a pretty large group, so I don’t know everyone yet.  There are typically 16-18 in attendance, and we had been keeping our discussion time all together in one large group, so some people didn’t speak (or have a turn to speak).  Last week we broke into two discussion groups and that allowed for more of the ladies to speak and be heard.  We decided to shuffle the groups each week so that we could all get to know one another.

What’s weird is that the group has been going for, I don’t know, eight or nine years and I don’t feel like a newbie or like I don’t belong.  I was welcomed right in as one of the family.  That’s it.  That’s why I am so drawn to this group.  They didn’t look at me suspiciously and wonder how I was going to change the group.  They embraced me.  Literally and figuratively.  And I like it!

I’m not the only one who is drawn to this group, of course.  Some of these ladies have to overcome enormous obstacles just to attend every week.  One is caring for her husband who has Alzheimer’s — she has to arrange for someone to come into the house and stay with him while she is gone.  Another had a major car accident last summer and is just now beginning to walk with just a cane; she has been there every week except the week of her brother’s funeral! Another has some kind of problem with her eyesight; she has to arrange a ride each week.  One dear woman drives herself, parks in the spot marked with handicapped sign, and then takes ten minutes with her walker to get to her designated spot around the table.  One has three school-aged children. You get the point.  These women are committed to getting to this group!

And you can almost feel the “Ahhhhhhhh!” each releases as she walks through the door and finds her place at the table.  Our leader makes a point to spread a tablecloth over the two plastic folding churchy banquet tables.  Sometimes someone brings a bouquet of flowers to put in the center.  One gal brings cookies or muffins to share; another brings some type of fruit.  We have decorative paper plates and mismatched napkins.  An urn of coffee and another of hot water are at the ready.

We pray collectively, with each given an opportunity to lift her burden or the burden of someone else.  We discuss the study we have completed through the week inserting relevant (or not so relevant) commentary.  We watch our video lesson.  We chat and hug and say goodbye until next week.

It’s a refueling station. Each woman determines to get herself there by 9:30 am so that she can leave refreshed 11:30 am, ready to face whatever is in her path for the next six days and twenty-two hours.  And although I am not facing much in my own path at the moment, I definitely need the refueling.  Ahhhhhhh….Wednesday.

Hebrews 10:24

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works,

not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some,

but encouraging one another…

The teacher gets schooled

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

Once upon a time there was a girl.  She really wanted to be a teacher.  She often lined up all her friends in rows and stood in front to ‘teach’ them in the yard, or the basement, or the garage.  In fact, when she was in the second grade, her teacher, Mrs. Anderson, assigned her the task of working with a classmate who was struggling to learn how to read.  The little girl loved showing him how to sound out the words.

Learning came easily to her, but she was drawn to those for whom it didn’t.  It was a challenge to figure out how to explain things in ways that they could understand.

Her experiences as she grew included babysitting, teaching Sunday school, working at a day care center or two, more babysitting, student teaching, and finally a college degree and teaching certificate.  As a young woman, she took her first teaching position as a teacher of learning disabled students in a little classroom in an old building in Detroit.

She moved on to resource rooms at two high schools and then a residential school for emotionally impaired teenagers.  In each of these places, she had the title ‘teacher’, but she was actually a student.  She was learning so much about herself, about her students, and about learning.  Yes, she had taken methods classes in college.  She had studied Shakespeare and Faulkner, Piaget, and Maslow.  But the real learning began amidst countless adolescents who would become her teachers.

And it didn’t stop there.  Her intensive training started when she married a man with a four-year-old son.  It continued when she gave birth to not one, not two, but three babies in three years.  She began an adventure in ‘homeschooling’ which again taught her more than it did any of her students.

The master’s program she enrolled in introduced her to topics like hegemony, code-switching, and mushfaking, sure. But her time in the trenches, two community colleges and two high schools, ingrained in her the knowledge that relationships are more important than curriculum, that process is more important than product, and that being is more important than doing.

And,  now?  Now is the advanced individualized course in self-awareness and reliance on God.  Some people take introductory courses in this topic, but this girl has been pretty darn busy in her other educational pursuits.  Alas, it is never too late for a girl to learn the basics.

She is learning them from The Teacher through His Word, yes, but also through experience, relationships, and the learning method that works best for her — writing. It’s a multi-modal approach, designed specifically for this learner.  It takes into account the other lessons she has had and allows for multiple assessments with an eye toward mastery.  Failure is not an option.  The Teacher has ensured it.

Matthew 11:28-30

Come to me, all who labour and are heavy-laden,

and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,

for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Monday morning struggling…

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

Uh-oh. It’s happening again.  This is my third start on today’s blog.  I have gotten to two or three paragraphs and deleted twice already.

I was going to write about our trip to Washington, DC this past weekend and how blessed and beautiful that whole trip was.  Then I started hearing myself speak and I was like, “blah, blah, blah, who cares about your trip?”

Then, I started doing statistical analysis on this blog — what topics are most interesting to people who are not me.  Yeah, I tried math. Bad idea.

So why don’t I stick to what I do well and tell you what’s on my mind this morning. I sometimes feel redundant like I write about the same things all the time. But, hey, it’s my blog — it’s what’s on my mind — I can’t help it.  Whenever I try to force something and make it about something else, I end up deleting a whole bunch of paragraphs.  In fact, I am not even sure this won’t get deleted.

I am not sure it will have a point at all.  And maybe it doesn’t have to.

Here are the facts.  We had a beautiful weekend.  I am exhausted.  I am in my pajamas and need to be out of them within the hour.  My hips and feet feel like they are coated in IcyHot (no, I am not a paid sponsor, in fact I doubt I will ever have need to buy this stuff because my body seems to simulate its effects on its own).

But in the midst of this less than stellar mind-frame, I read my Bible study this morning which was about how the Word of God is effective even when we don’t think it is effective. I know, it sounds like a rather boring topic, doesn’t it?  But a little nugget grabbed hold of me.

You know, I’m sure by now, how pre-occupied I am with figuring out what it is I am supposed to do next…so after I read “If we’ll ask God to fill us with the Holy Spirit as we read and study, He will alert us when He’s speaking to our situation through a precept that doesn’t blatantly fit” (Beth Moore, Children of the Day, 155), I saw “we’ll often feel emotionally and spiritually satisfied after a work handpicked and infused by the Holy Spirit…If you’re on the right track of your spiritual gifting you’ll start getting snippets of feedback that affirm your contribution…(157),
and I thought, holy cow!  I love blogging, I am affirmed through blogging, but, “um, God, sorry to bother You, but I am a little worried over here about finances and paying for stuff, you know, education, and trips, and stuff.”

But in the same lesson I also saw, from The Message version of Psalm 119,

Give my request your personal attention, rescue me on the terms of your promise…put your hand out and steady me since I’ve chosen to live by your counsel…[you know, I am trying to be still and know that You are God over here]…

And I thought to myself, this is where the rubber meets the road, isn’t it?  Do I trust Him enough to do what He says even when things get a little uncomfortable?  a little scary?  When I can’t see how things will work out?

In this moment, my answer is ‘yes’.

Do I believe that I am only supposed to blog?  Nope.  I think you are going to get bored reading stuff about me being still.  I think I need a little material to write about. So, perhaps I’ll get a job at the library, or teach composition, or work at the airport. And today I answered an ad from a grad student who needs help organizing a thesis. I could do that.

I don’t think I know what’s next yet.  So, I think I will continue to acknowledge that He is God and I am not, and I am, after all, sitting in the palm of His hand.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

Pass the oxygen

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

I Thessalonians 5:11

Encourage one another and build one another up,

just as you are doing.

Have you ever had someone affirm you?  I’m talking about someone coming directly to you in the middle of your day, looking you in the eyes, and saying, “that thing that you do, that you think no one is noticing you doing, you really do that so well that it has a positive impact on my life.”  I hope you have!  It has happened to me a couple of times recently.  It has been as though someone has noticed me lying on the floor gasping for air, and they have run directly over to me, and placed an oxygen mask on me. Their words have filled me will life-giving breath.

I have had the opportunity to pass the oxygen along, too.  I wish I could say it was always intentional.  Sometimes it is, but often I am surprised. I make a comment in casual conversation like, “wow, you handled that so well!” Suddenly the listener’s eyes fill with tears and she says something like, “thank you for saying that.”  What?  What did I say? Why are you crying?  A comment jumps out of my mouth and it fuels the listener.

But recently a few people in my life have taken the time to write to me, pointing out something very specific I did that made an impact on their lives.  One person called me and elaborated on something I said and how it touched her.  What?  You took time out of your life to do that for me?

Maybe these people haven’t noticed that I am mostly hanging out at my house in my pajamas, drinking coffee and tea, meeting other ladies for lunch, and cooking gluten-, soy-, dairy-, and corn-free foods.  Maybe they haven’t noticed that my days are far from remarkable.

But they did take the time to notice some of my words.  Then, they took the time to use some of their own words to breathe life into me.  They didn’t leave me alone at this time when I might be tempted to feel very lonely and unimportant and inconsequential.  They listened to a still small voice that nudged them to encourage me and build me up.

And let me tell you, these small acts are contagious.  They cause me to notice the little things that others are doing and remark on them — the woman I met recently who is caring for her husband who has ALS and is also reaching out to her neighbor and inviting her into her home to study the Bible, the young mother I know who is scheduling time for mommy-daughter days with her eleven-year-old, the friend who, while battling her own health issues, is seeing to the needs of everyone else in her family.  Because I have been oxygenated, I am able to say to these women “you are remarkable; what you are doing is amazing.”   It’s like I can see them take in the breath.  Their cheeks pink up a bit.  They sigh.

Try it.  You’re gonna like it.

A break from spinning

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Dear God,

Hi.  No, I’m not here to complain.  No, I don’t want anything from You.

I just thought it was time that we, you know, chatted.  Yeah, I know it’s been a while.  I’ve kind of been doing my own thing, running my own show.  I’m pretty good at it, actually.  I can keep a lot of plates spinning all at the same time.  Even in my current state.  But, I got to thinking a little about it this morning, and I started to realize that You probably have more for me than a lot of plate spinning.

Yeah?

I thought so.

Thing is, I got pretty focused on keeping those plates spinning for a pretty long time. And some people around me were pretty impressed, too.  That’ll make a person want to keep spinning plates.

And of course, that is not to say that the activities of my life have been as meaningless as literally spinning plates.  After all, You were there.  You did provide me with all the ‘plates’ I was spinning — marriage, parenting, teaching, domestic engineering. Thing is, I didn’t fully acknowledge, on a daily basis, that these things were gifts from you and actually vehicles to serve you.

And still, You actually used my self-centered, self-sufficiency to serve others.  I don’t get it. I was actually surprised when people came to me and said, “Mrs. Rathje, what you said in class really made a difference.  It is just what God needed me to hear.”  I was, after all, pretty focused on keeping the plates spinning.  And in all that focusing, I did miss a lot of what was going on around me.

So, I’ve noticed recently, that You are holding all the plates.

Hm.  It’s like You want my attention.

So, here I am. Paying attention. Listening.  Watching.

I keep trying to find different plates to pick up, so that I can get back to my spinning, but I can’t seem to find any at the moment.  So, I guess You’re serious.

Yeah, You’re serious.  You’ve got my attention.

Our relationship comes first.  Healing comes first.  Rest comes first.

Then can I have the plates back?

I’m missing the point? Ok, Ok, You’ve got the plates.  I’m ready to listen.

Matthew 22:37-38

[Jesus] said to them, “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart,

with all your soul, and with all your mind.

This is the great and foremost commandment.”

Confessions, #1

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Ok, I gotta come clean.  I have applied for two jobs.

I know, I know, it’s not January!  I know, I know, this is the grace period.  Calm down, I listed my available start date as January 5, 2015.  Are you happy now?

Being still is hard!

Most days I am just fine going through the routine and then resting, but occasionally, I find a day where I am on the couch watching way too much TV and then up peering out the window waiting for my husband to get home from work.  As I am rehearsing my day to him over dinner, including how many times I took the dog outside, he looks me in the eyes and says, “Are you doing ok?”

Well, yeah.  I am doing ok.  Do you think it’s weird that I just reported our dog’s elimination pattern to you? 

We’ve already been over this.  I have had a job, outside of when our children were babies, since the time I was 15!  I am so accustomed to working that I practically have to set an agenda for myself every day!  Now, you already know that that agenda includes time on the couch, so I am actually resting, ok?

Sometimes, like Monday, I think I am running out of things to do, so I have to find a job.  And, come on, they are both part-time library jobs where I would actually be at the circulation desk fewer than 20 hours a week.  It’s not like I would be challenging young minds and grading their papers.  I’d be checking out books for people and helping them find their books in the stacks.  “Why, sonny, I remember when the card catalog was actually still on cards…” I would be in contact with people, and poor Chester, could get a break from me!

I had the fleeting thought yesterday as I was filling out one of the applications that, well, I could actually start sooner than January 5, couldn’t I?  I mean, Christmas money would be nice…

Then I remembered our trip to DC later this week, my election day commitment, our son’s visit during the second half of November, our daughters coming home for the holidays, and, oh yeah, the fact that my symptoms are persistent and I still need to lie down most days in the middle of the day.

Fine.

I guess I could enter our address book into some label-making software in time for Christmas.  I could create online files for all my recipes.  I could visit the library and read some more books.

But not today.  This morning is Bible study.  This afternoon I will be at the gym.  Tonight I will be too tired to do anything but watch the Cardinals.  January will be soon enough.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

This is an appointed time for everything.

And there is a time for every event under heaven.