Category: rest

On ice

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

How do you filter through all the information that you are confronted with each week? I am on overload.  Let’s just look at one segment of my life and the messages I have had to decipher, filter, and interpret all week.  My health. 

On Wednesday I saw a my new rheumatologist at the U of M.  I was anticipating that she would say, “Yup, looks like you have psoriatic arthritis and you should continue with the treatment you have been using.”  That’s what my rheumatologist in St. Louis said would happen.  It didn’t go that way. 

Instead, she (and her superior) said that I probably don’t have psoriatic arthritis, but more likely fibromyalgia. I should probably discontinue the biologic medication I have been taking and do more exercise.  In fact, do 20 minutes on the elliptical each day before I go on the three-mile walk that I have been doing. (I did mention, by the way, that fatigue is my most prominent symptom, followed by joint pain, and then psoriasis.) 

So, what do I do with that?  The doctor who has been treating me for 18 months says psoriatic arthritis, moderate exercise, prescription NSAIDs, and biologics.  The doc who has known me for twenty minutes says fibromyalgia, fewer meds, more exercise.  

Well, as is my way, I got angry.  I don’t think I have fibromyalgia.  It’s true, I don’t really fit any diagnosis cleanly, but most people with autoimmune disease do not. I don’t look sick at all.  Many people with autoimmune disease do not. I felt a bit like a hypochondriac. I felt dismissed.  I fussed and fumed to my husband and my daughter into the next day. 

But, I agreed that since I am not working at the moment, and I have some time to experiment, I would try discontinuing one medication and adding more exercise. Let’s just see what happens.

 On Thursday I did twenty minutes on the elliptical and went for a three mile walk.  On Friday, I toured a fitness center and swam!  I fell in love and decided I would get a membership because I can do Pilates, yoga, swim, and use weights and cardio machines.  Saturday we sat on bleachers and watched a volleyball game and then stood while we ate burgers with some friends. After that, I went for my typical three mile walk.  

I woke up Sunday  in pain. I struggled to stand through the praise portion of worship because of the amount of pain in my SI joint.  I came home and rested. Yes, I had to rest after church.  Then, I thought a walk might help with the pain.  Wrong.  It got worse.  I spent the rest of the evening on ice.  I woke up this morning, made breakfast for my family, then went right back to the ice.

I would be taking an injection today if I had not agreed to discontinue my biologics.  But I am going to follow the plan.   However, in order to follow the plan, I have to get this pain under control.  So, I am trying to get in to see a chiropractor tomorrow.  Perhaps he can realign my SI and reduce my pain so that I can do more exercise.  

This is a lot of information, isn’t it?  You don’t really want to hear about all my medical stuff, do you?  It’s consuming.  And it’s only one segment of my life.  I have many other things I would like to be spending my time thinking about.  

But today, I am on the couch, on ice.  

I am trying to understand what God has for me in this next chapter of my life.  I really don’t want to spend it on the couch, or in doctors’ offices, or focusing on taking care of myself.  I am trying to be open.  I really wish this illness was in my head.  I really wish that I could just do more exercise, think positive thoughts, and get back to my old self. I don’t really think that is going to work. 

I am frustrated, but I am holding on to the hope that my new self, in this next chapter, whether in pain or not, will be a self that turns her eyes to God, that listens to His truth, and that accepts whatever He has for me. 

And in the mean time, I’ll be sitting here on ice. 

Reality

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

I used to get frustrated with students who sat in the writing lab staring at a blank screen.  

Guess what I have been doing for almost an hour. 

Yup. 

Busted. 

I’m sitting here in my pajamas, realizing that my cup of tea is almost empty and I have nothing to say. 

My students prayed for this moment. 

Chester is asleep under my desk.  My husband has left for work.  The remaining daughter is into her second hour of productivity. And here I sit. 

I mean, I have been a little productive.  I did send a couple of emails.  I did clear a level on Candy Crush that had been giving me trouble.  Don’t judge.  

I want to start writing about my options for ‘what’s next’, but I am committed to not discussing that at least until September.  And it’s only August 26! September 1 is Labor Day, so I can’t very well discuss career options or work on Labor Day!  So I am going to have to find something to write about between now and September 2.  That is seven whole posts!!!!!!!

Being still is hard!!!  

Of course I have to admit that I’m not just sitting in my pajamas playing Candy Crush all day.  I have managed to keep up on the laundry, cook a few meals, keep the house relatively orderly, go for walks, and meet new people every day.  

And I also have to grudgingly admit that even that has worn me out.  I woke up feeling not great today, which tells me I have to take extra care to rest.  And that makes me a bit angry.  I want to be able to do things.  I had big dreams of going to quaint coffee shops to write, of exploring Ann Arbor, of going on adventures.  I was hoping for endless possibilities. 

But today, I think the reason it’s difficult to write is that reality is jumping up and down in front of me waving its arms.  “Hey, Kristin, remember me?  Reality?  I am the knowledge that you have days like today where you struggle to get out of bed, your joints ache, you are exhausted, and you want to cry.  Do you really think you can explore ‘what’s next’ with me standing right here?” 

Hey, Reality, you suck.  

But, Reality is, after all, reality.  I do have days like this.  I won’t crawl back into bed, but I will talk myself into doing Pilates, into going for a walk, into taking a break and maybe even a nap.  I will look at the people in front of me and be thankful that I have this grace period to breathe and fully evaluate reality.  

Only when I fully grasp my new reality will I be able to see what God has next for me.  

Psalm 19:21

Many are the plans in [my] heart, 

but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

 

A psalm of Kristin

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

Psalm 23 (Rathje Revised Version, rrv)

A psalm of Kristin

1 The Lord is my owner/manager, I have everything I need.
2  He provides me with a new pillow-top bed,
he gives me a sweet little house beside the Huron,
3     he refreshes my soul.
He plans my itinerary to put me in places where I meet the best people at just the right time.
4 Even though He sometimes sends me to places that others consider scary, 
 I have not been afraid,
    because He goes ahead of me and prepares the way, providing resources and assistance at every turn;
His Word and His people comfort me.

5 You shower me with blessings and make me oblivious to any enemies.
You fill my fridge with food and my glass with nice red wine, until it overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life (I don’t know why I would ever doubt that after all your faithfulness to me)
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever (with some pretty amazing people that have gone before and beside me).

Details, details, details

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

Today is a detail day — schedule the oil change, get the groceries,  call the university, fold the laundry, etc.  I have lots to do…actually lots to do all week long. 

These details were a bit overwhelming last night when we had just returned from dropping off the baby at college eight hours away.  And, I’m a little irritated at the moment that I can’t just lie around and mope.  Already I am laughing at myself. 

It’s all by God’s design isn’t it?  He knew in advance that I would be a little torn up today — worrying, grieving, overthinking — so he made sure my plate was full for a bit.  It’s all good stuff — family visiting tonight through Friday, an appointment with a specialist, some cooking, some cleaning, and definitely some writing.  

I will find some time in the midst of the details to grieve a little, to wallow a little, to mope a little.  But, I will have to wipe the tears and drag myself out of bed to get a few things done.  

After all, one daughter is still here!  In fact, she greeted us last night when we returned from our trip with a warm dinner and lots of energy!  I couldn’t bring myself to write a grocery list, but she could.  I was overwhelmed at the thought of laundry, but she had it started!  God’s design.  He knew that if they were all gone at once, I would be overcome by loneliness.  He’s easing me into the empty nest.  

My niece is coming to visit tonight, bringing more energy into our home.  Two twenty-one year olds full of possibility and promise — they will take a road trip tomorrow!  What fun! They will leave me here to write, think, rest, and grieve for a couple of days, then they will bring their energy back.  

Do you see that detail?  God was setting up the details ahead of time, taking care of me, knowing exactly what I needed.  He knew I needed to do for a little while and then be for a little while.  He knew I needed people in my house for a while.  He knew what I needed before I even asked.  He’s got August taken care of, so that I can face September.  He’s always looking out for me, and for you. 

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer;  

my god is my rock, in whom I take refuge,

my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. 

Psalm 18:2

3 

 

Going with the flow

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Imagine me lying on an inflatable raft and floating down a river on a beautiful Michigan day.  That is how life has been the last couple of days.  With this full house, I have refrained from creating my everyday to-do list. And I have been trying something different — going with the flow. 

Going with the flow has meant staying up until 1:00 am or later — two nights in a row.  It has meant that yesterday I woke up at 10:20 am!  I have written my blog in the middle of the night.  I have eaten a warm kale, cilantro, black bean salad created by one daughter and black bean (gluten-free) brownies created by the other daughter.  I have gone on a walk with Chester, started a Grisham book, and watched Sabrina. I took a walk on campus which equated to a walk down memory lane.  

Sounds pretty lovely, doesn’t it? So, I wonder if I will allow myself to go with the flow a little more often. 

This goes back to my doing v. being still theme.  I am trying to explore the fact that doing and being still do not have to be in opposition.  The two can co-exist.  In fact, in all my floating around yesterday, I did get my migraine-suffering daughter in to see an acupuncturist and also discovered that two miles from our new home is the leading migraine headache clinic in the nation.  Yes, while floating, we got her a comprehensive appointment for next week. 

But I didn’t really accomplish anything else.  This is new for me, the one who has measured my value by the number of things I get done and how well I do them.  It is new for me to see the overgrown flower bed and acknowledge that I want to do something to it without jumping right up and tearing out the weeds right away.  It is new for me to be comfortable co-existing with the unfinished, unsettled, unpolished.  

But floating is nice.  See how sparkly the water is?  Hear the wind blowing?  

Right now I am sitting in my adirondack chair on my porch, looking at the scene in the photo above.  Coffee was just delivered to me. Tomorrow we pack up our daughter to move to college, but today I am going to continue to float.  

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 

Matthew 11:28