Author: Kristin

I find that I think best when I write. If you choose to follow me, you will get a first-hand look at my thoughts as I contemplate life as a woman, wife, mother, daughter, writer, teacher, and follower of Jesus. Issues that seem to recur revolve around parenting, ministry, chronic illness, and teaching.

Rejoice always?

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing,

give thanks in all circumstances

I Thessalonians 5: 16-18

Seriously?

Anyone who has known me for any amount of time knows that I am not very skilled at concealing my emotions.  If I am mad, my jaw is set, my gait is clipped, my words are sharp.  If I am sad, my face droops, my steps drag, I grow silent.  My demeanor can do nothing but reflect what is going on inside of me.  I am not one of those people who can just smile and say that everything is fine when actually, it isn’t.

So, I struggle with these directions from Paul.  I can’t be fake; it’s not in my DNA.

In fact, way back in 1988 when I was doing my student teaching at Concordia High School in Fort Wayne, Indiana, one of my cooperating teachers told me that in order to be a better teacher, I had to ‘stop wearing my heart on my sleeve’.  He wasn’t the first one to tell me to check my emotions.  It started with my great grandmother, Elsa, bless her heart, who told me that my face was ‘going to freeze that way’.  True.  And, I’ve already mentioned that I was voted ‘moodiest’ by my high school classmates.

I actually don’t think I was any moodier than anyone else, I just was incapable of containing it.  I ‘wore it on my sleeve’.  Yeah, not very attractive.

So, when Paul says, ‘rejoice always’, I think “Well, dear Paul, I will rejoice when there is a reason to rejoice, and mourn when there is a reason to mourn.”  And then I remember that there is, for me, always a reason to rejoice.  Even when I was a hormonal adolescent, I did actually have friends who cared. When I was overwhelmed with student teaching, I had already found my future husband who had been crafted by God just for me. When I was fighting my way through the metaphorical desert in St. Louis, even though it was a difficult time, God was still providing for our family in every way.  I did have plenty of reasons to rejoice.

However,  I did also have reasons in all of those circumstances for legitimate emotions — sadness, anger, frustration, hopelessness.  But, I believe that humans are complex enough that we can simultaneously mourn and rejoice.

On Sunday, I got a call from a friend who had recently lost her mother to cancer.  She is simultaneously mourning and rejoicing.  She is so sad for herself and her family because her mother was a gift from God. However, she is also rejoicing that her mother is with Jesus, free from pain, free from suffering.

Of course Paul’s instructions are right.  If the only good news we had was that God had sent His Son to die in our place and pay the debt for all our mistakes, that would be reason enough for rejoicing.  Wouldn’t it?  And yet, most of us who are able to read a blog on the Internet have so much more to be thankful for.  Even if our job is not what we had in mind, our family is struggling, our health is failing, and our finances are in the toilet, we can rejoice.

It’s important to see the next instructions from Paul — “pray without ceasing”.  Paul was aware of the circumstances that can cloud our reason for rejoicing. I mean, let’s be honest, he was continually run out of town, thrown in jail, beaten up, and yelled at. Yet he says to us, “give thanks in all circumstances.”  Really, Paul?  You’re locked in a jail, chained up, probably filthy and starving, and you are ‘giving thanks”?

I can only conclude that Paul was able to rejoice and give thanks because of the fact that he ‘prayed continually’.  In the middle of his circumstances, he acknowledged that God was God and he was not.  He knew that God was holding him in the palm of His hand. He lifted up his situation to God and then trusted that God would “work all things together for good”.

It’s hard to be thankful and rejoice when I feel like I have to solve all of life’s problems by kicking butts and taking names.  It’s much easier when I acknowledge that I don’t have control of the situation, but God does.  He loves me and has always done what is best for me. When I release my stuff up to Him, and offer Him thanks and praise,  I always end up rejoicing.

Ok, Paul, I admit it.  You’re right.

I know the plans I have for you

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

“plans to give you a future and a hope.”

Jeremiah 29:11

I’ve been sitting at my computer now for about an hour.  I keep getting distracted from my blog.  I made a hotel reservation for an upcoming trip.  I sent a few emails.  I printed a few documents. And I even started a job application.

Don’t worry, I quickly abandoned it when I realized how long it was!  I don’t think I’m ready yet!  That’s ok, it’s only October 13.  I have time, and God has a plan.  Right?  I am counting on it!

That doesn’t mean I am going to stay in my pajamas until January 1 expecting a phone call that will offer me a ridiculous amount of money to do exactly what I love.  Of course not!  Although my jammies are rather comfy, if I do say so myself.  I will apply for some jobs.  I may even complete an application today, but I’ve gotta work up to it.

God’s plan for me right now is to be doing exactly what I am doing.  I am resting.  I am processing.  I am feeling.  I am evaluating.  I am healing.  And it all takes time.

It’s pretty amazing to me that the whole time I was running around in St. Louis, working full-time plus, parenting, maintaining a large home, and barely keeping my head above the water line, God was planning for me to take this break.  He knew it was coming. I had no idea.  I just kept pushing.  Wash another load of laundry, grade another stack of papers, buy another cart of groceries, fill another prescription, cook another meal, make another appointment.  It was non-stop.  Until God said, “Stop.”

I never expected a break.  I longed for a shift, a different position, a lighter load, an emptier nest, but never in a million years, did I imagine six months of not working, just resting, just recovering, just contemplating.

But He knew.  He knew I needed time to do nothing.  Hours to read, to play Words with Friends, to sleep, to watch Law and Order (there, I finally outed myself), to try new recipes, to drink coffee and tea, to connect with old friends, to make new friends. I had no idea I needed this.  But He did.

It’s a bit overwhelming, to be honest.  The one who created the universe– the trees, the river, the deer, coffee, and every single person — noticed me running frantically about like the squirrels in the trees outside my window.  He saw me fussing and fretting and trying to order my world.  And, instead of just being entertained my my futile attempts, he stepped into my life and provided what I needed.

So, why would I worry that he doesn’t have the next phase planned, too? I have no idea.  For forty-eight years he has provided just what I needed at exactly the right time — friends, mentors, experiences, finances, food, shelter, clothing, spouse, children, employment, and even rest.  Why would He stop now?

Luke 12:6-7

Are not five sparrows sold for two cents?  Yet not one of them is forgotten before God.

…Do not fear, you are more valuable than many sparrows.

He is willing.

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

When he saw Jesus, he fell with his face to the ground and begged him,

“Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.”

“I am willing.”

Can you believe that?  Jesus, who is at once God and man, who could easily dismiss any one of us as insignificant or unimportant, was willing to make a man with leprosy clean.  A man with leprosy — the least of the undesirables. If I have the history right, lepers were required to walk around declaring, “Unclean, Unclean!” So, everyone around them cleared a path and stayed away.

Except Jesus.

Jesus, God in the flesh, did not clear a path.  He responded to the leper by healing him. Bam. Done.

Because He was willing.

Since I was diagnosed with autoimmune disease, a few people have told me that if I claimed healing, and believed, it would happen.  Do I believe God could heal me if he was willing? Yes. Bam. Done.

However, I have mentioned before that healing comes in a variety of packages.  My autoimmune disease, if that is indeed what it is, has healed me of trying to do everything myself. It has healed me of a desire to be perfect. It has healed me from moving at a break neck pace.  Could God have provided this healing in another way? Yes. Bam. Done.

But, from my perspective, He didn’t.  And, I’m not mad about it.  At all.  Yes, I woke up this morning feeling like I had bathed in Icy Hot.  Yes, it is a weird sensation.  It’s not painful, just weird.  Yes, my eyes have been irritated all day.  Yes, I have joint pain and fatigue.  But, at the same time, I have peace and joy that I have been missing for quite a while.  I am at peace with myself and with God.

Did you notice that the leper didn’t ask to be healed?  He asked to be ‘made clean’. The Bible mentions that we are ‘washed in the blood of the lamb’ and that we are made ‘whiter than snow’.  This cleansing, from Jesus,  makes us free to come near to God without having to yell, “Unclean, Unclean!”  He washed us before we asked Him.  Before we were asking, He was answering.

While I thought I was doing just fine, thank you very much, God ‘healed’ me.  It may not look like healing from the outside, but I know what I feel on the inside.  I have known for a long time that God is God and I am not.  I am going to trust Him that He knows what He is doing.

And, you know, if He wants to heal me again, He will.

Isaiah 65:24

Before they call, I will answer;

while they are still speaking, I will hear.

We get to do this!

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

Today’s task?  Sports!

Saturdays have turned into a day when we watch sports almost all day long.  I’ve had a slow start to my morning, and am obviously still in my pajamas, but by 1:00pm, I will be sitting in the stands, watching my Concordia Cardinals take on Taylor University.  It’s a little chilly today, probably won’t reach sixty degrees, so I’ll have to bundle up.

Immediately following that game, we’ll dash home to warm up and watch what’s left of the Michigan State Spartans’ game against Purdue and probably several other great games.  We aren’t unlike countless others across the country who will be doing the same thing.

If we were still in St. Louis, I would be at Lutheran North’s homecoming today, cheering on the Crusaders, listening to the pep band, clapping with the cheerleaders, and laughing with friends.  I have watched all week as the staff and students have posted photos from spirit week — what fun!  I saw this morning the photos from last night’s pep rally and the coronation of the king and queen.  Such great kids, such great staff.  Really.  I am not just seeing through the rose-colored glasses of nostalgia.  That place is special.

And, I am learning, this place is special, too.  On Thursday night, we saw a performance of Little Women put on by Concordia.  It was fabulous!  The actors and actresses were committed to their roles and drew me in so that I didn’t even notice the fact that I was up at an event until almost 10:00 pm!  Before the show, we viewed an exhibit in the art gallery belonging to a faculty member who has collected movie memorabilia over the years.  The collector himself guided us through the tour of artifacts from Pulp Fiction, Casino Royale, Inglorious Bastards, Saving Private Ryan, and many other films. At the play, I sat next to one of the most influential professors in my academic career and, you know, made small talk about plays and such. Yeah, pretty special place.

I am not sure why God has led us on the path He has.  It seems that everywhere we go we are surrounded by fabulous people, doing incredible things. Why us?  Why do we get to do this?  Why do I get to sit here this morning in my pajamas, with a warm golden retriever sitting under my bare feet, next to my window that looks out on the woods that sit next to the river?  Why do I get to bundle up and go yell at a football game all afternoon?  Why do I get to sit next to my husband on my sectional sofa singing, “Go right through for M – S -U…” ?

I have no idea why we are so blessed.  But blessed we are.  And so thankful for all the incredible experiences God has allowed us to have and, even more, for all the amazing people has surrounded us with.

I Chronicles 16:34

Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;

His lovingkindness is everlasting.

God speaks

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

I’m not going to tell you that I have heard the voice of God.  I haven’t.  However, I believe He has arranged information in my life in such a way that I will hear His message loud and clear.

I started this next chapter back in July with the subtitle ‘what to do, what to do’.  I really did have the intention from the very beginning that I would like to eventually find a position here in Ann Arbor that would use my gifts to connect with others. I wasn’t sure what that would look like, and I was hoping that God would make it clear during this time of being still.  I explored some of my options in a post called ‘Sneak Peak at the Possibilities’ several weeks ago.

Then, through yesterday’s post, ‘One Remedy’, God reminded me that I am a bit insulated here in my little house by the river, which is nice for the grace period, but probably not good for the long haul.  To add to that, in this morning’s Bible study, on I Thessalonians 5:4-8, He reminded me that I am ‘a child of light’ who has been equipped to get off my tuchus and make a difference. Ok, Ok, I know I am not going to stay here in the grace period forever.  I get it.  I never intended to.

But in this grace period I am learning so much!!!  So, let me re-visit my formerly stated possibilities:

  • apply to the PhD program in English and Education at University of Michigan — just yesterday (I tell you, I am not hearing an audible voice, but the message is clear) my husband sent me a text telling me that there would be an on-campus discussion about code-switching.  This may not mean anything to you, but one of the reasons I was pursuing this degree was to examine the ways that home language impacts academic success.  One way that students find academic success is through code-switching.  For years I have been discussing code-switching with students and showing them how to do it.  I don’t know why, but this text from my husband said to me, “Hey, Kristin, this is God. I have the code-switching thing covered.  I have people handling that.  I am releasing you to look at your other options.”  I am serious when I say I smiled and said, “Ok, decision made.”  So, this is no longer one of my options.

Now, before I go on to examine the other options, I want to share a few things I have learned about myself in the past few months.

  • Blogging feeds me.  Whatever I decide to do in my next chapter, I want to be able to blog, if not every day, then several days a week.  This vehicle has allowed me to reflect on life and learn in ways that I have not been able to in my bustling non-stop life.
  • Rest is an essential part of my day.  Everyday I take 1-2 hours to sit and be non-productive.  I watch TV, read, play Words with Friends, work on a puzzle, or do nothing.  Whatever position I take has to allow me to do this most days.
  • Exercise is critical for my health.  I have to spend about an hour each day working on strength, flexibility, cardiovascular health, and balance in order to feel my best.
  • Social time is non-negotiable.  I have to have time when I can chat with friends without feeling rushed.  I need time to have people over for dinner and to meet friends for coffee. This part of my life was all but overlooked for the last ten years.
  • I sleep about 8-9 hours every day.  I didn’t always need that.  I do now.  Sometimes I need more.

Ok, so, you can see that my options are somewhat limited.  I believe that whatever I end up doing will be part-time, 2-3 days out of the house each week.  I would like this position to be one where I interact with people from a variety of backgrounds.  Ideally, I would be able to use my skills in writing, teaching, and mentoring.  Ok, so let’s go back to the list of possibilities.

  • apply for an adjunct teaching position at Washtenaw Community College — this is still an option.  I think it fits all the criteria.  It is also very close to home.  I would have a stack, but I can limit how much I teach, I think, and thereby limit the stack. I think I will complete an application for this in the next week or two.
  • apply for a totally different position — I have been looking online and I have seen a few options here, too.  The Ann Arbor Public Library is continually looking for part-time help.  I would be connecting with the community and I wouldn’t have to bring stuff home with me.  The downside is that it is not tapping into my skill set directly, but it might be ok to ease back in to all that.
  • airport job — I have not examined this at all, but after I fly all these kids home and back over the holidays this may look a little more appealing!
  • freelance stuff — this is still an option, too.  In this academic environment, I am sure that I could tutor or edit.  If I could get a 1000 or so followers, I might be able to just blog — lol.

So, it is October 10.  I initially said that I would take a break at least until January.  That seems, in my mind, like a long time off.  But then I think, the last ten weeks have been so rich and full.  January 2 is only twelve weeks from now.  My granddaughter is due on January 10.  What’s my rush?

I haven’t heard an audible voice, but I am getting the message that I need to continue to be still.  I am getting the message that it is ok to take my own needs into consideration when examining my options.  I am starting to feel excited about the possibilities and getting back out there. I definitely needed this break; I am glad that I listened to the still, small voice that told me to take it.

Psalm 46:10

Cease striving and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all the earth.

One remedy

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Ahhhhh….I woke up from a restful sleep this morning and said to my husband, “It’s amazing what we take for granted, until we don’t have it for a couple of days.” I was, of course, referring to a good night’s sleep. And, I must say, it was lovely.

But then I did my usual routine of checking Facebook, email, and messages to find that once again there was an officer-involved shooting in St. Louis last night, and once again, it was racially charged.

I take living in a peaceful community for granted. I am very insulated at the moment. When I was in college, way back in the 80s, we called it ‘the Concordia bubble’.  It’s nice and shiny in here, guys. I have mentioned, ad nauseum, the river, the deer, blah, blah, blah.  We live in virtual peace with God and man inside this little bubble. When we drive down to little Gallup Park, we walk alongside people of a variety of backgrounds all smiling and nodding at one another. We pick up our messes and leave the park how we found it.  It’s eerily Utopian. When I go out for lunches, all the ladies play nice, smile, laugh, share… I don’t really experience conflict.

Yeah, it’s weird.

I mean just three months ago, I was living in the heart of pre-Ferguson St. Louis. I won’t say I experienced conflict at all. Actually I lived in my racially mixed neighborhood in relative peace. We exchanged pleasantries with neighbors, moved among people from countless backgrounds, and had very few bumps of any kind. But the tension was there to be sure. It runs like an electrical current under all of St. Louis. It would be naive to say that I was unaware. Centuries of history have bred mistrust and anger among the people in St. Louis and the electricity is tangible.

It was just a matter of time before a spark ignited the explosive emotions that people can barely keep in check. And I have to believe that that is the reason that Ferguson is not over and forgotten. Everyone there knows that the divide between blacks and whites exists. And now that the current of suspicion and hatred has been exposed, the citizens want to make sure it stays in the open. I mean, seriously, grown adults are making public statements at Cardinals games — hurtful statements in a nation-wide arena where the whole country will see. “Notice us, America, we are hurting over here and we don’t know what to do about it!”

And how is anyone, inside or outside of St. Louis, supposed to see the actual truth when years of emotion are clouding the issues? I am not able, from this distance, inside this skin, to tell you what is happening — who is right, who is wrong — but I am able to tell you that these people are hurting. They’ve been hurting for a very long time.

I would love to say that the courts will sort it all out.  But the courts are made up of humans and the courts in St. Louis are made up of hurting St. Louis humans. It’s gonna be difficult for anyone to get a fair and impartial trial at a time like this.

And really, is one trial going to solve the hurts of centuries of conflict? Would one hundred trials solve the hurts?  a thousand?

After all, no one, really, is innocent. We all have sinned. We all fall short of the glory of God. But, He has promised…”If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (I John 1:9).

It’s the only remedy that exists. And in order for it to work, everyone will have to put down their weapons, admit they’ve been wrong, and trust in something larger than themselves.  Then conversations can start and healing can begin.

be still, there is a healer

His love is deeper than the sea

His mercy is unfailing

His arms are a fortress for the weak.

Let faith arise…

–Chris Tomlin

Exceptionally Late

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

There’s an exception to every rule.

If you have been following this blog you know that for several weeks I have made it my business to roll out of bed, make a cup of tea, have my Bible study, and get busy on this blog.  Up until today the only real exceptions were when I was out of town.

But, today happened.

As a result of feeling like I was run over by a truck earlier this week, I have been having difficulty sleeping.  Which means I am having difficulty waking.  This would not be a problem on any other day, but unless I am physically unable to walk, on Wednesday mornings at 9:30, I am going to be at my Bible study.  This morning I dragged myself out of bed at 7:45, moaned my way to the shower, got dressed and drove to my pre-Bible study coffee shop for the cup of delicious caffeine that would keep me engaged for the next two hours.  I am really glad I made it to Bible study. These ladies are becoming very dear to me.  I am sure they will appear again in this blog, they are teaching me so much.

After Bible study, I met a friend from our former life in Michigan for, you guessed it, lunch.  Isn’t it amazing that ten years can pass and you can hug and share as though you haven’t missed a day?  I know I have written about so many of these encounters, but I am still surprised when they happen, and I keep pinching myself to see if my life right now is real.

I wouldn’t let myself go home until I had exchanged books at the library and gone to the gym.  I wasn’t silly enough to think that I could do 30 minutes on the elliptical, 15 minutes of weightlifting, and time in the pool, but I knew that if I spent just 30 minutes in the pool, my body would thank me.  I was right.  Being in the water erases my pain and even my fatigue.  I am not sure why that works, but it is lovely.

I drove myself home, plunked myself on the couch, and have been there ever since.  After dinner with my dear husband, I will begin the decline into what I hope will be a restful night’s sleep.  The last two nights I was exhausted and was sure that sleep would come quickly, but ended up awake into the wee hours.

I am happy to report that in my exceptionally late nights, I have had the company of Jodi Picoult’s The Storyteller (which I highly recommend) and a few night-owls who play Words With Friends at all hours.  I haven’t hated being up late, it has just broken the routine.  So, here’s to adapting.  Here’s to being thankful that my schedule allows for flexibility.  And, finally, here’s to hoping for a sound sleep.

Proverbs 3:24b

When you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.

My life is an object lesson

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

The to-do list is kinda long today.  And, I kinda feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.  It wouldn’t be terrible to crawl right back into bed and read the Jodi Picoult book that I started on Monday.  But, I have been putting off a few things.  I’ve been busy socializing!  So, whether or not I feel up to it, the list has to be attended to today.

I never know when one of these days is going to sneak up on me.  Since I discontinued one of my medications at the end of August, I have actually been doing ok.  I have had a few rough days, a few days when I had to slow down, but for the most part I have done pretty well.  I had almost convinced myself that, you know, I don’t really have an auto-immune disease.  You know, maybe it was all in my head.  Maybe I should, you know, apply for some of those holiday jobs that are being advertised on TV.

Come on, I tell myself, anyone who looks at you can see that you are doing just fine!  You go to the gym, for Pete’s sake.  You look good, girl.  (Just get a different haircut, would you? Justin Bieber has that look trademarked.) Stop your bellyaching and get over it!  It’s the old Kristin way — buck up, take care of this, kick some butts, take some names. I got this!  Exercise, adjust the diet, add the correct supplements, and bam — healed.

And then, I end up on ice. I am doing all the right things and still, it’s not enough. I cannot control this on my own.  

My life is an object lesson. I am a very slow learner.

I cannot do this on my own.  Sure, it’s great to exercise, eat all the right foods, take all the vitamins, blah, blah, blah.  But ultimately, my health is not in my hands. Is it?  If I had a dollar for every time I have written in this blog that ‘I am sitting in the palm of His hand,’  I would no longer even be thinking about looking for employment.  And yet, I still forget and get into my ‘I got this!’ mode.

Now, I am not saying I believe that God gives me the smack-down and puts me on ice to teach me a lesson.  But, let’s be honest, I need a lesson.  If I was my teacher, I would be very frustrated with me.  I actually think God has lifted his hand, with me in it, up close to his face so that he can verify that “Yup, she’s really doing it again.”  And he lovingly smiles and shakes his head and watches while I pull the ice packs out of the freezer and slow myself down enough to say, “I see you.  I hear you.  I do not have this.  You have me.”

So, I’m sitting on ice, looking at my list, getting ready to scratch off one item at a time and try to listen to the still small voice so that I will know when it is time to crawl back into bed with my book and be still and know that He is God and that I am still sitting in the palm of His hand.

Luke 4:40

…all those who had any who were sick with various diseases brought them to Him,

and laying His hands on each one of them, He was healing them.

Hope does not disappoint

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

So many thoughts in my head this morning.  It’s like I can see words swirling all around inside of my brain and the one that sticks out the most is hope. 

Now, as one who has been tossed about in the sea of depression on and off for most of life, hope is the flotation device that I cling to.  When hope gets submerged, I start to sink.

Had enough of my analogy?  Ok, I will leave it alone for a moment.

Why am I thinking about hope this morning?  I’m not entirely sure, so let’s look back over the last couple of days.  Let’s have a little Story time with Mrs. Rathje.

On Friday afternoon, my husband and I drove to my hometown in the ‘geographical center of lower Michigan’ to attend the homecoming parade and football game. We parked the car behind a shop at one end of the main drag and walked through a swarm (ok, it’s a small town, but for St. Louis, Michigan, it was a swarm) of people toward the restaurant/bar where some of my high school classmates had planned to meet.  When I was in high school, I thought I knew everybody in this town of 4,000 people, but walking through the crowd, I didn’t recognize anyone.  In fact, I told my husband that my fear was that someone would recognize me and I would not recognize them at all.  I mean, I did graduate (gasp) thirty years ago. But before I knew it, I saw a face I recognized.  I said his name, and he immediately hugged me.  I said, “I’m Kristin Rathje, I mean Kristin Kolb!”  He said, “I know who you are!”

Isn’t that something? This guy and I weren’t best friends in school.  We really didn’t even run in the same circle, but we knew each other.  We went to middle school and high school together.  We had a shared experience, and those words, “I know who you are!” were so powerful to me.

As I left his embrace and turned to enter the bar, another former classmate stepped through the door and said, “Hey, that’s who I was looking for!” He hugged me, too, introduced me to his kids, and chatted for a few moments.  Guys, I had not seen this man in thirty years and he was looking for me!

Now let’s take a little trip back in time and meet high school aged Kristin.  I was voted ‘moodiest’ for the yearbook superlatives.  No, I am not kidding.  I was on an emotional roller coaster most of my childhood and even into adulthood.  I was grasping through most of those years at hope, but it was eluding me.  I could see it bobbing in the distance, and I was reaching for it, but I just couldn’t grasp it.  So, what did I do?  I flailed about, grasping at other things, and yelled when I couldn’t reach them, or when they let me down.  I was not entirely pleasant to be around.  I was demanding, emotional, and unpredictable.

So, why, on Friday night, did I meet so many people who were willing to hug me? to smile? to welcome me?  

We were watching the parade and one of my best buddies from high school snuck up behind me like he always did in high school and tried to startle me!  Just like old times!  We hugged, he pointed out the children of school mates in the parade, and made me laugh.  Later, my best friend from high school and her best guy, also a classmate, joined us.  It was one reunion after another.  With a dozen or more of us around a table, I didn’t stop smiling for hours.

It was like their memories were clouded and they didn’t remember the bad stuff. They only remembered the good. They didn’t remember my bad days, they remembered our connection, our relationship, our shared experience.  No matter how long it had been, I belonged.

This morning I was reading my Bible study, and we were focused on I Thessalonians 4:13 where Paul says, “we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.” Now, I realize that Paul was talking about people who have died, ‘those who are asleep’, and that is not lost on me since my good friend, Twila, finished her fight with cancer last week.  I am grieving because she is no longer here, and because I haven’t seen her in so long, and because I didn’t get to properly tell her how much she meant to me. But, I do have hope.  I am confident that Twila was reunited with Jesus, and her parents, and all the hospice patients that she cared for.  I am confident that she walked through the swarm only to be embraced by friends she hadn’t seen in years who said, “I know who you are!”  or “That’s who I was looking for!”  They didn’t remember any human shortcoming or flaw, they just knew she belonged.

And I know that one day, after many more earthly reunions with those who I have connected with throughout my life, I too, will find my way through the crowds of heaven to be embraced by my grandparents, Twila, and Jesus.  They will say, “We’ve been waiting for you to get here.”

Thanks to my St. Louis High School classmates for giving me a taste of that this weekend.  It gave me a tangible picture of hope and reminded me of how blessed I am.

Psalm 146:5

How blessed is [s]he whose help is the God of Jacob,

whose hope is in the Lord his God.

Shift Happens in the Grace Period

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

So, I do realize, as you may have been wondering, that this grace period is not just a time for me to go out to lunch and chat with friends.  That is a bonus, to be sure, but also, a shift is happening.

I am slowing down.  I had previously underestimated the value of slowing down.  I have been known for being ‘on a mission’.  At the high school where I taught, before I had to give up my heels, my students claimed they could hear me coming down the hall and identify me by my cadence.  I moved, people.  In the five minutes between bells I could descend two flights of stairs, traverse two hallways, use the restroom, make twenty-five copies, and still make it back to my class before my students. I might communicate with ten people within that five minutes, probably disseminating information: get that paper in, see me after school, your book is in the office, tuck your shirt in, get to class. I might also respond to a couple of questions: do we need our book today? will you be here after school? would you unlock my classroom? 

These were all quick exchanges.  Necessary?  Yes.  Deep and life-changing?  Not likely.  That is not to say I didn’t ever have deep and life-changing conversations.  I did, but most of my time was spent on-the-go.

I move pretty slowly these days.  I don’t shout orders when I walk through the campus or the grocery store.  Nobody is regularly coming to me for help.  This shift is making me very observant.  I notice things that I might not have noticed before — there are deer eating leaves outside my window, the leaves are changing colors, I am, and have been, surrounded by amazing people.

I am healing.  Physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  No, I have not experienced a miracle, I still experience the same physical issues — pain, fatigue, and other various minor stuff — but I am learning about things that I can do to improve my health.  I must say that daily exercise is improving the way I feel. I continue to read about and experiment with dietary changes.  And, I am finding a pace that my body appreciates.

I am reconnecting with the word of God on a daily basis and am impressed with its relevance to my life.  I knew this, of course, I just hadn’t been making it a priority.  Seems I had forgotten the seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you truth of Scripture.  We heard Carl Madearis speak last night.  His simple passion for sharing the person of Jesus engaged me.  God’s love is powerful and effective.  Period.  I am remembering that and learning again to embrace it.

I am feeling things — great things.  I have been having so much fun talking with people, laughing, listening, sharing.  I may have earlier made it seem like I haven’t had any friends in the past ten or more years, not true.  However, I hadn’t allowed myself to fully invest in friendship in a very long time.  I have guarded my time, my emotions, and myself from others.   I may still be doing that, but I am realizing that with slowing down, I am more available to explore my emotions and actually feel them.

I am listening.  To others, to myself, and to God. I have often told my students ‘God gave you two ears and one mouth; respect the ratio.’  However, I haven’t fully respected the ratio.  I love to talk.  I have a lot to say.  But, so does everyone else.  If I fill up all the spaces with my words, no one else has room to speak.  This is a challenge for me, but blogging is helping.  I am putting a lot of my words on the page, and I don’t feel the need to share as many with my mouth.  This is allowing me to ask more questions and, get this, listen to the answers.  When I close my mouth I can hear others’ hearts.  I can hear my own thoughts.  I can hear the nudgings and proddings of God.

(If you just fist-pumped or said ‘Hallelujah, she is shutting up!’ I won’t judge you.)

So, in all, I highly recommend the grace period. It’s turning out to be life-changing.  I am still looking toward the end, and admittedly scanning the classified ads for positions.  However, I am pretty settled in for the next couple of months to see how I shift and and what God has planned for me in the next chapter. 

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness,

and all these things will be added to you.”

Matthew 6:33