Month: October 2014

Monday morning struggling…

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

Uh-oh. It’s happening again.  This is my third start on today’s blog.  I have gotten to two or three paragraphs and deleted twice already.

I was going to write about our trip to Washington, DC this past weekend and how blessed and beautiful that whole trip was.  Then I started hearing myself speak and I was like, “blah, blah, blah, who cares about your trip?”

Then, I started doing statistical analysis on this blog — what topics are most interesting to people who are not me.  Yeah, I tried math. Bad idea.

So why don’t I stick to what I do well and tell you what’s on my mind this morning. I sometimes feel redundant like I write about the same things all the time. But, hey, it’s my blog — it’s what’s on my mind — I can’t help it.  Whenever I try to force something and make it about something else, I end up deleting a whole bunch of paragraphs.  In fact, I am not even sure this won’t get deleted.

I am not sure it will have a point at all.  And maybe it doesn’t have to.

Here are the facts.  We had a beautiful weekend.  I am exhausted.  I am in my pajamas and need to be out of them within the hour.  My hips and feet feel like they are coated in IcyHot (no, I am not a paid sponsor, in fact I doubt I will ever have need to buy this stuff because my body seems to simulate its effects on its own).

But in the midst of this less than stellar mind-frame, I read my Bible study this morning which was about how the Word of God is effective even when we don’t think it is effective. I know, it sounds like a rather boring topic, doesn’t it?  But a little nugget grabbed hold of me.

You know, I’m sure by now, how pre-occupied I am with figuring out what it is I am supposed to do next…so after I read “If we’ll ask God to fill us with the Holy Spirit as we read and study, He will alert us when He’s speaking to our situation through a precept that doesn’t blatantly fit” (Beth Moore, Children of the Day, 155), I saw “we’ll often feel emotionally and spiritually satisfied after a work handpicked and infused by the Holy Spirit…If you’re on the right track of your spiritual gifting you’ll start getting snippets of feedback that affirm your contribution…(157),
and I thought, holy cow!  I love blogging, I am affirmed through blogging, but, “um, God, sorry to bother You, but I am a little worried over here about finances and paying for stuff, you know, education, and trips, and stuff.”

But in the same lesson I also saw, from The Message version of Psalm 119,

Give my request your personal attention, rescue me on the terms of your promise…put your hand out and steady me since I’ve chosen to live by your counsel…[you know, I am trying to be still and know that You are God over here]…

And I thought to myself, this is where the rubber meets the road, isn’t it?  Do I trust Him enough to do what He says even when things get a little uncomfortable?  a little scary?  When I can’t see how things will work out?

In this moment, my answer is ‘yes’.

Do I believe that I am only supposed to blog?  Nope.  I think you are going to get bored reading stuff about me being still.  I think I need a little material to write about. So, perhaps I’ll get a job at the library, or teach composition, or work at the airport. And today I answered an ad from a grad student who needs help organizing a thesis. I could do that.

I don’t think I know what’s next yet.  So, I think I will continue to acknowledge that He is God and I am not, and I am, after all, sitting in the palm of His hand.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

Pass the oxygen

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

I Thessalonians 5:11

Encourage one another and build one another up,

just as you are doing.

Have you ever had someone affirm you?  I’m talking about someone coming directly to you in the middle of your day, looking you in the eyes, and saying, “that thing that you do, that you think no one is noticing you doing, you really do that so well that it has a positive impact on my life.”  I hope you have!  It has happened to me a couple of times recently.  It has been as though someone has noticed me lying on the floor gasping for air, and they have run directly over to me, and placed an oxygen mask on me. Their words have filled me will life-giving breath.

I have had the opportunity to pass the oxygen along, too.  I wish I could say it was always intentional.  Sometimes it is, but often I am surprised. I make a comment in casual conversation like, “wow, you handled that so well!” Suddenly the listener’s eyes fill with tears and she says something like, “thank you for saying that.”  What?  What did I say? Why are you crying?  A comment jumps out of my mouth and it fuels the listener.

But recently a few people in my life have taken the time to write to me, pointing out something very specific I did that made an impact on their lives.  One person called me and elaborated on something I said and how it touched her.  What?  You took time out of your life to do that for me?

Maybe these people haven’t noticed that I am mostly hanging out at my house in my pajamas, drinking coffee and tea, meeting other ladies for lunch, and cooking gluten-, soy-, dairy-, and corn-free foods.  Maybe they haven’t noticed that my days are far from remarkable.

But they did take the time to notice some of my words.  Then, they took the time to use some of their own words to breathe life into me.  They didn’t leave me alone at this time when I might be tempted to feel very lonely and unimportant and inconsequential.  They listened to a still small voice that nudged them to encourage me and build me up.

And let me tell you, these small acts are contagious.  They cause me to notice the little things that others are doing and remark on them — the woman I met recently who is caring for her husband who has ALS and is also reaching out to her neighbor and inviting her into her home to study the Bible, the young mother I know who is scheduling time for mommy-daughter days with her eleven-year-old, the friend who, while battling her own health issues, is seeing to the needs of everyone else in her family.  Because I have been oxygenated, I am able to say to these women “you are remarkable; what you are doing is amazing.”   It’s like I can see them take in the breath.  Their cheeks pink up a bit.  They sigh.

Try it.  You’re gonna like it.

A break from spinning

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Dear God,

Hi.  No, I’m not here to complain.  No, I don’t want anything from You.

I just thought it was time that we, you know, chatted.  Yeah, I know it’s been a while.  I’ve kind of been doing my own thing, running my own show.  I’m pretty good at it, actually.  I can keep a lot of plates spinning all at the same time.  Even in my current state.  But, I got to thinking a little about it this morning, and I started to realize that You probably have more for me than a lot of plate spinning.

Yeah?

I thought so.

Thing is, I got pretty focused on keeping those plates spinning for a pretty long time. And some people around me were pretty impressed, too.  That’ll make a person want to keep spinning plates.

And of course, that is not to say that the activities of my life have been as meaningless as literally spinning plates.  After all, You were there.  You did provide me with all the ‘plates’ I was spinning — marriage, parenting, teaching, domestic engineering. Thing is, I didn’t fully acknowledge, on a daily basis, that these things were gifts from you and actually vehicles to serve you.

And still, You actually used my self-centered, self-sufficiency to serve others.  I don’t get it. I was actually surprised when people came to me and said, “Mrs. Rathje, what you said in class really made a difference.  It is just what God needed me to hear.”  I was, after all, pretty focused on keeping the plates spinning.  And in all that focusing, I did miss a lot of what was going on around me.

So, I’ve noticed recently, that You are holding all the plates.

Hm.  It’s like You want my attention.

So, here I am. Paying attention. Listening.  Watching.

I keep trying to find different plates to pick up, so that I can get back to my spinning, but I can’t seem to find any at the moment.  So, I guess You’re serious.

Yeah, You’re serious.  You’ve got my attention.

Our relationship comes first.  Healing comes first.  Rest comes first.

Then can I have the plates back?

I’m missing the point? Ok, Ok, You’ve got the plates.  I’m ready to listen.

Matthew 22:37-38

[Jesus] said to them, “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart,

with all your soul, and with all your mind.

This is the great and foremost commandment.”

Confessions, #1

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Ok, I gotta come clean.  I have applied for two jobs.

I know, I know, it’s not January!  I know, I know, this is the grace period.  Calm down, I listed my available start date as January 5, 2015.  Are you happy now?

Being still is hard!

Most days I am just fine going through the routine and then resting, but occasionally, I find a day where I am on the couch watching way too much TV and then up peering out the window waiting for my husband to get home from work.  As I am rehearsing my day to him over dinner, including how many times I took the dog outside, he looks me in the eyes and says, “Are you doing ok?”

Well, yeah.  I am doing ok.  Do you think it’s weird that I just reported our dog’s elimination pattern to you? 

We’ve already been over this.  I have had a job, outside of when our children were babies, since the time I was 15!  I am so accustomed to working that I practically have to set an agenda for myself every day!  Now, you already know that that agenda includes time on the couch, so I am actually resting, ok?

Sometimes, like Monday, I think I am running out of things to do, so I have to find a job.  And, come on, they are both part-time library jobs where I would actually be at the circulation desk fewer than 20 hours a week.  It’s not like I would be challenging young minds and grading their papers.  I’d be checking out books for people and helping them find their books in the stacks.  “Why, sonny, I remember when the card catalog was actually still on cards…” I would be in contact with people, and poor Chester, could get a break from me!

I had the fleeting thought yesterday as I was filling out one of the applications that, well, I could actually start sooner than January 5, couldn’t I?  I mean, Christmas money would be nice…

Then I remembered our trip to DC later this week, my election day commitment, our son’s visit during the second half of November, our daughters coming home for the holidays, and, oh yeah, the fact that my symptoms are persistent and I still need to lie down most days in the middle of the day.

Fine.

I guess I could enter our address book into some label-making software in time for Christmas.  I could create online files for all my recipes.  I could visit the library and read some more books.

But not today.  This morning is Bible study.  This afternoon I will be at the gym.  Tonight I will be too tired to do anything but watch the Cardinals.  January will be soon enough.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

This is an appointed time for everything.

And there is a time for every event under heaven.

Rejoice always?

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing,

give thanks in all circumstances

I Thessalonians 5: 16-18

Seriously?

Anyone who has known me for any amount of time knows that I am not very skilled at concealing my emotions.  If I am mad, my jaw is set, my gait is clipped, my words are sharp.  If I am sad, my face droops, my steps drag, I grow silent.  My demeanor can do nothing but reflect what is going on inside of me.  I am not one of those people who can just smile and say that everything is fine when actually, it isn’t.

So, I struggle with these directions from Paul.  I can’t be fake; it’s not in my DNA.

In fact, way back in 1988 when I was doing my student teaching at Concordia High School in Fort Wayne, Indiana, one of my cooperating teachers told me that in order to be a better teacher, I had to ‘stop wearing my heart on my sleeve’.  He wasn’t the first one to tell me to check my emotions.  It started with my great grandmother, Elsa, bless her heart, who told me that my face was ‘going to freeze that way’.  True.  And, I’ve already mentioned that I was voted ‘moodiest’ by my high school classmates.

I actually don’t think I was any moodier than anyone else, I just was incapable of containing it.  I ‘wore it on my sleeve’.  Yeah, not very attractive.

So, when Paul says, ‘rejoice always’, I think “Well, dear Paul, I will rejoice when there is a reason to rejoice, and mourn when there is a reason to mourn.”  And then I remember that there is, for me, always a reason to rejoice.  Even when I was a hormonal adolescent, I did actually have friends who cared. When I was overwhelmed with student teaching, I had already found my future husband who had been crafted by God just for me. When I was fighting my way through the metaphorical desert in St. Louis, even though it was a difficult time, God was still providing for our family in every way.  I did have plenty of reasons to rejoice.

However,  I did also have reasons in all of those circumstances for legitimate emotions — sadness, anger, frustration, hopelessness.  But, I believe that humans are complex enough that we can simultaneously mourn and rejoice.

On Sunday, I got a call from a friend who had recently lost her mother to cancer.  She is simultaneously mourning and rejoicing.  She is so sad for herself and her family because her mother was a gift from God. However, she is also rejoicing that her mother is with Jesus, free from pain, free from suffering.

Of course Paul’s instructions are right.  If the only good news we had was that God had sent His Son to die in our place and pay the debt for all our mistakes, that would be reason enough for rejoicing.  Wouldn’t it?  And yet, most of us who are able to read a blog on the Internet have so much more to be thankful for.  Even if our job is not what we had in mind, our family is struggling, our health is failing, and our finances are in the toilet, we can rejoice.

It’s important to see the next instructions from Paul — “pray without ceasing”.  Paul was aware of the circumstances that can cloud our reason for rejoicing. I mean, let’s be honest, he was continually run out of town, thrown in jail, beaten up, and yelled at. Yet he says to us, “give thanks in all circumstances.”  Really, Paul?  You’re locked in a jail, chained up, probably filthy and starving, and you are ‘giving thanks”?

I can only conclude that Paul was able to rejoice and give thanks because of the fact that he ‘prayed continually’.  In the middle of his circumstances, he acknowledged that God was God and he was not.  He knew that God was holding him in the palm of His hand. He lifted up his situation to God and then trusted that God would “work all things together for good”.

It’s hard to be thankful and rejoice when I feel like I have to solve all of life’s problems by kicking butts and taking names.  It’s much easier when I acknowledge that I don’t have control of the situation, but God does.  He loves me and has always done what is best for me. When I release my stuff up to Him, and offer Him thanks and praise,  I always end up rejoicing.

Ok, Paul, I admit it.  You’re right.

I know the plans I have for you

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

“plans to give you a future and a hope.”

Jeremiah 29:11

I’ve been sitting at my computer now for about an hour.  I keep getting distracted from my blog.  I made a hotel reservation for an upcoming trip.  I sent a few emails.  I printed a few documents. And I even started a job application.

Don’t worry, I quickly abandoned it when I realized how long it was!  I don’t think I’m ready yet!  That’s ok, it’s only October 13.  I have time, and God has a plan.  Right?  I am counting on it!

That doesn’t mean I am going to stay in my pajamas until January 1 expecting a phone call that will offer me a ridiculous amount of money to do exactly what I love.  Of course not!  Although my jammies are rather comfy, if I do say so myself.  I will apply for some jobs.  I may even complete an application today, but I’ve gotta work up to it.

God’s plan for me right now is to be doing exactly what I am doing.  I am resting.  I am processing.  I am feeling.  I am evaluating.  I am healing.  And it all takes time.

It’s pretty amazing to me that the whole time I was running around in St. Louis, working full-time plus, parenting, maintaining a large home, and barely keeping my head above the water line, God was planning for me to take this break.  He knew it was coming. I had no idea.  I just kept pushing.  Wash another load of laundry, grade another stack of papers, buy another cart of groceries, fill another prescription, cook another meal, make another appointment.  It was non-stop.  Until God said, “Stop.”

I never expected a break.  I longed for a shift, a different position, a lighter load, an emptier nest, but never in a million years, did I imagine six months of not working, just resting, just recovering, just contemplating.

But He knew.  He knew I needed time to do nothing.  Hours to read, to play Words with Friends, to sleep, to watch Law and Order (there, I finally outed myself), to try new recipes, to drink coffee and tea, to connect with old friends, to make new friends. I had no idea I needed this.  But He did.

It’s a bit overwhelming, to be honest.  The one who created the universe– the trees, the river, the deer, coffee, and every single person — noticed me running frantically about like the squirrels in the trees outside my window.  He saw me fussing and fretting and trying to order my world.  And, instead of just being entertained my my futile attempts, he stepped into my life and provided what I needed.

So, why would I worry that he doesn’t have the next phase planned, too? I have no idea.  For forty-eight years he has provided just what I needed at exactly the right time — friends, mentors, experiences, finances, food, shelter, clothing, spouse, children, employment, and even rest.  Why would He stop now?

Luke 12:6-7

Are not five sparrows sold for two cents?  Yet not one of them is forgotten before God.

…Do not fear, you are more valuable than many sparrows.

He is willing.

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

When he saw Jesus, he fell with his face to the ground and begged him,

“Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.”

“I am willing.”

Can you believe that?  Jesus, who is at once God and man, who could easily dismiss any one of us as insignificant or unimportant, was willing to make a man with leprosy clean.  A man with leprosy — the least of the undesirables. If I have the history right, lepers were required to walk around declaring, “Unclean, Unclean!” So, everyone around them cleared a path and stayed away.

Except Jesus.

Jesus, God in the flesh, did not clear a path.  He responded to the leper by healing him. Bam. Done.

Because He was willing.

Since I was diagnosed with autoimmune disease, a few people have told me that if I claimed healing, and believed, it would happen.  Do I believe God could heal me if he was willing? Yes. Bam. Done.

However, I have mentioned before that healing comes in a variety of packages.  My autoimmune disease, if that is indeed what it is, has healed me of trying to do everything myself. It has healed me of a desire to be perfect. It has healed me from moving at a break neck pace.  Could God have provided this healing in another way? Yes. Bam. Done.

But, from my perspective, He didn’t.  And, I’m not mad about it.  At all.  Yes, I woke up this morning feeling like I had bathed in Icy Hot.  Yes, it is a weird sensation.  It’s not painful, just weird.  Yes, my eyes have been irritated all day.  Yes, I have joint pain and fatigue.  But, at the same time, I have peace and joy that I have been missing for quite a while.  I am at peace with myself and with God.

Did you notice that the leper didn’t ask to be healed?  He asked to be ‘made clean’. The Bible mentions that we are ‘washed in the blood of the lamb’ and that we are made ‘whiter than snow’.  This cleansing, from Jesus,  makes us free to come near to God without having to yell, “Unclean, Unclean!”  He washed us before we asked Him.  Before we were asking, He was answering.

While I thought I was doing just fine, thank you very much, God ‘healed’ me.  It may not look like healing from the outside, but I know what I feel on the inside.  I have known for a long time that God is God and I am not.  I am going to trust Him that He knows what He is doing.

And, you know, if He wants to heal me again, He will.

Isaiah 65:24

Before they call, I will answer;

while they are still speaking, I will hear.

We get to do this!

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

Today’s task?  Sports!

Saturdays have turned into a day when we watch sports almost all day long.  I’ve had a slow start to my morning, and am obviously still in my pajamas, but by 1:00pm, I will be sitting in the stands, watching my Concordia Cardinals take on Taylor University.  It’s a little chilly today, probably won’t reach sixty degrees, so I’ll have to bundle up.

Immediately following that game, we’ll dash home to warm up and watch what’s left of the Michigan State Spartans’ game against Purdue and probably several other great games.  We aren’t unlike countless others across the country who will be doing the same thing.

If we were still in St. Louis, I would be at Lutheran North’s homecoming today, cheering on the Crusaders, listening to the pep band, clapping with the cheerleaders, and laughing with friends.  I have watched all week as the staff and students have posted photos from spirit week — what fun!  I saw this morning the photos from last night’s pep rally and the coronation of the king and queen.  Such great kids, such great staff.  Really.  I am not just seeing through the rose-colored glasses of nostalgia.  That place is special.

And, I am learning, this place is special, too.  On Thursday night, we saw a performance of Little Women put on by Concordia.  It was fabulous!  The actors and actresses were committed to their roles and drew me in so that I didn’t even notice the fact that I was up at an event until almost 10:00 pm!  Before the show, we viewed an exhibit in the art gallery belonging to a faculty member who has collected movie memorabilia over the years.  The collector himself guided us through the tour of artifacts from Pulp Fiction, Casino Royale, Inglorious Bastards, Saving Private Ryan, and many other films. At the play, I sat next to one of the most influential professors in my academic career and, you know, made small talk about plays and such. Yeah, pretty special place.

I am not sure why God has led us on the path He has.  It seems that everywhere we go we are surrounded by fabulous people, doing incredible things. Why us?  Why do we get to do this?  Why do I get to sit here this morning in my pajamas, with a warm golden retriever sitting under my bare feet, next to my window that looks out on the woods that sit next to the river?  Why do I get to bundle up and go yell at a football game all afternoon?  Why do I get to sit next to my husband on my sectional sofa singing, “Go right through for M – S -U…” ?

I have no idea why we are so blessed.  But blessed we are.  And so thankful for all the incredible experiences God has allowed us to have and, even more, for all the amazing people has surrounded us with.

I Chronicles 16:34

Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;

His lovingkindness is everlasting.

God speaks

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

I’m not going to tell you that I have heard the voice of God.  I haven’t.  However, I believe He has arranged information in my life in such a way that I will hear His message loud and clear.

I started this next chapter back in July with the subtitle ‘what to do, what to do’.  I really did have the intention from the very beginning that I would like to eventually find a position here in Ann Arbor that would use my gifts to connect with others. I wasn’t sure what that would look like, and I was hoping that God would make it clear during this time of being still.  I explored some of my options in a post called ‘Sneak Peak at the Possibilities’ several weeks ago.

Then, through yesterday’s post, ‘One Remedy’, God reminded me that I am a bit insulated here in my little house by the river, which is nice for the grace period, but probably not good for the long haul.  To add to that, in this morning’s Bible study, on I Thessalonians 5:4-8, He reminded me that I am ‘a child of light’ who has been equipped to get off my tuchus and make a difference. Ok, Ok, I know I am not going to stay here in the grace period forever.  I get it.  I never intended to.

But in this grace period I am learning so much!!!  So, let me re-visit my formerly stated possibilities:

  • apply to the PhD program in English and Education at University of Michigan — just yesterday (I tell you, I am not hearing an audible voice, but the message is clear) my husband sent me a text telling me that there would be an on-campus discussion about code-switching.  This may not mean anything to you, but one of the reasons I was pursuing this degree was to examine the ways that home language impacts academic success.  One way that students find academic success is through code-switching.  For years I have been discussing code-switching with students and showing them how to do it.  I don’t know why, but this text from my husband said to me, “Hey, Kristin, this is God. I have the code-switching thing covered.  I have people handling that.  I am releasing you to look at your other options.”  I am serious when I say I smiled and said, “Ok, decision made.”  So, this is no longer one of my options.

Now, before I go on to examine the other options, I want to share a few things I have learned about myself in the past few months.

  • Blogging feeds me.  Whatever I decide to do in my next chapter, I want to be able to blog, if not every day, then several days a week.  This vehicle has allowed me to reflect on life and learn in ways that I have not been able to in my bustling non-stop life.
  • Rest is an essential part of my day.  Everyday I take 1-2 hours to sit and be non-productive.  I watch TV, read, play Words with Friends, work on a puzzle, or do nothing.  Whatever position I take has to allow me to do this most days.
  • Exercise is critical for my health.  I have to spend about an hour each day working on strength, flexibility, cardiovascular health, and balance in order to feel my best.
  • Social time is non-negotiable.  I have to have time when I can chat with friends without feeling rushed.  I need time to have people over for dinner and to meet friends for coffee. This part of my life was all but overlooked for the last ten years.
  • I sleep about 8-9 hours every day.  I didn’t always need that.  I do now.  Sometimes I need more.

Ok, so, you can see that my options are somewhat limited.  I believe that whatever I end up doing will be part-time, 2-3 days out of the house each week.  I would like this position to be one where I interact with people from a variety of backgrounds.  Ideally, I would be able to use my skills in writing, teaching, and mentoring.  Ok, so let’s go back to the list of possibilities.

  • apply for an adjunct teaching position at Washtenaw Community College — this is still an option.  I think it fits all the criteria.  It is also very close to home.  I would have a stack, but I can limit how much I teach, I think, and thereby limit the stack. I think I will complete an application for this in the next week or two.
  • apply for a totally different position — I have been looking online and I have seen a few options here, too.  The Ann Arbor Public Library is continually looking for part-time help.  I would be connecting with the community and I wouldn’t have to bring stuff home with me.  The downside is that it is not tapping into my skill set directly, but it might be ok to ease back in to all that.
  • airport job — I have not examined this at all, but after I fly all these kids home and back over the holidays this may look a little more appealing!
  • freelance stuff — this is still an option, too.  In this academic environment, I am sure that I could tutor or edit.  If I could get a 1000 or so followers, I might be able to just blog — lol.

So, it is October 10.  I initially said that I would take a break at least until January.  That seems, in my mind, like a long time off.  But then I think, the last ten weeks have been so rich and full.  January 2 is only twelve weeks from now.  My granddaughter is due on January 10.  What’s my rush?

I haven’t heard an audible voice, but I am getting the message that I need to continue to be still.  I am getting the message that it is ok to take my own needs into consideration when examining my options.  I am starting to feel excited about the possibilities and getting back out there. I definitely needed this break; I am glad that I listened to the still, small voice that told me to take it.

Psalm 46:10

Cease striving and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all the earth.

One remedy

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Ahhhhh….I woke up from a restful sleep this morning and said to my husband, “It’s amazing what we take for granted, until we don’t have it for a couple of days.” I was, of course, referring to a good night’s sleep. And, I must say, it was lovely.

But then I did my usual routine of checking Facebook, email, and messages to find that once again there was an officer-involved shooting in St. Louis last night, and once again, it was racially charged.

I take living in a peaceful community for granted. I am very insulated at the moment. When I was in college, way back in the 80s, we called it ‘the Concordia bubble’.  It’s nice and shiny in here, guys. I have mentioned, ad nauseum, the river, the deer, blah, blah, blah.  We live in virtual peace with God and man inside this little bubble. When we drive down to little Gallup Park, we walk alongside people of a variety of backgrounds all smiling and nodding at one another. We pick up our messes and leave the park how we found it.  It’s eerily Utopian. When I go out for lunches, all the ladies play nice, smile, laugh, share… I don’t really experience conflict.

Yeah, it’s weird.

I mean just three months ago, I was living in the heart of pre-Ferguson St. Louis. I won’t say I experienced conflict at all. Actually I lived in my racially mixed neighborhood in relative peace. We exchanged pleasantries with neighbors, moved among people from countless backgrounds, and had very few bumps of any kind. But the tension was there to be sure. It runs like an electrical current under all of St. Louis. It would be naive to say that I was unaware. Centuries of history have bred mistrust and anger among the people in St. Louis and the electricity is tangible.

It was just a matter of time before a spark ignited the explosive emotions that people can barely keep in check. And I have to believe that that is the reason that Ferguson is not over and forgotten. Everyone there knows that the divide between blacks and whites exists. And now that the current of suspicion and hatred has been exposed, the citizens want to make sure it stays in the open. I mean, seriously, grown adults are making public statements at Cardinals games — hurtful statements in a nation-wide arena where the whole country will see. “Notice us, America, we are hurting over here and we don’t know what to do about it!”

And how is anyone, inside or outside of St. Louis, supposed to see the actual truth when years of emotion are clouding the issues? I am not able, from this distance, inside this skin, to tell you what is happening — who is right, who is wrong — but I am able to tell you that these people are hurting. They’ve been hurting for a very long time.

I would love to say that the courts will sort it all out.  But the courts are made up of humans and the courts in St. Louis are made up of hurting St. Louis humans. It’s gonna be difficult for anyone to get a fair and impartial trial at a time like this.

And really, is one trial going to solve the hurts of centuries of conflict? Would one hundred trials solve the hurts?  a thousand?

After all, no one, really, is innocent. We all have sinned. We all fall short of the glory of God. But, He has promised…”If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (I John 1:9).

It’s the only remedy that exists. And in order for it to work, everyone will have to put down their weapons, admit they’ve been wrong, and trust in something larger than themselves.  Then conversations can start and healing can begin.

be still, there is a healer

His love is deeper than the sea

His mercy is unfailing

His arms are a fortress for the weak.

Let faith arise…

–Chris Tomlin