Tag: healing

Show me your ways, O Lord

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Years ago I learned that if I am in regular daily Bible study God will speak through His Word directly into my life.  It’s such a powerful experience.  I can’t imagine why I would stray from this discipline knowing that this is how He reaches me.  But over and over in my life I have decided that other things were more important — sleep, work, reading novels, time with family, games on my phone.  It’s embarrassing, actually, to admit they I can so easily be distracted.  But I can.

So, after waking this morning, drinking two tablespoons of organic olive oil mixed with the juice of one organic lemon, doing the prescribed twenty minutes of Pilates, drinking the juice of the other half of the lemon mixed with hot water, downing the shake mix stuff blended with water and a banana, taking probiotics, vitamins, and my regular medications, drinking one cup of green tea with 56 grams of caffeine (yay!!), chopping tons of vegetables and making vegetable broth, cooking short grain brown rice according to specifications, washing all the dishes, adding to my compost pile, showering, and dressing, I sat down to do my Bible study.

I read Psalm 25, the reading for the day, To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, in you I trust…Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths…He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble His way.  All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness…

Then I read the accompanying study in the book I am using at the moment, Whispers of Hope: 10 Weeks of Devotional Prayer.  The whole devotion was meaningful, but the last portion is what got me: “We encounter God’s challenge as He demands: Will you allow Me to dramatically alter your ways to teach you My own?” 

Well, yeah.  I think You stepped right in and altered them without waiting for me to hem and haw and reply.  You moved me to a different state, took me out of my job, and gave me a much smaller, more manageable home. You provided a new, slower lifestyle, opportunity to evaluate and reflect, and new friends to join me on my journey.  You hit the reset button on my life!  And now, this week, You are challenging me to look at my health in a different way, to take some chances, to be obedient to a regimen. It’s a little uncomfortable, a little scary.   It’s a dramatic alteration, after many other dramatic alterations.

So I am going to allow You?  We’ve been over this: You are God, I am not.  Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths.

“for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long.”

Psalm 25: 5

Here’s to our health

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

I’m sitting here in the middle of the afternoon nursing my last cup of black tea for the next seven days.  I’m pathetic, right?

Why are breaks in routine so hard?  Why do I like things to be ‘just so’? Why am I such a creature of routine?  Why is it so hard to go with the flow?

Am I alone here?

I mean routines are good, right?  ‘The experts’ advise us to get up and go to bed at the same time every day, to eat our meals at regular intervals, to take our medications on a schedule.

But we also get advice from other ‘experts’ to vary our routine — don’t take the same route to work every day, choose from a variety of fruits and vegetables, and mix-up our exercise routine.

You could say I listen to both schools of thought– I always drink caffeine; I mix it up by choosing from either coffee or tea.

But this week, starting tomorrow, is going to be a bigger mix up than I have had in a while.  Not only am I putting all black drinks to the side, I am choosing, of my own free will, to drink things like extra virgin olive oil, lemon juice with hot water, and green tea.

In preparation for this experiment I purchased two kinds of green tea.  I have tried one, and I can honestly say I kind of like it.  It’s Yogi Green Tea with Goji Berry and my internet sources tell me that it has 52 mg of caffeine per serving!  So, guys, I won’t be caffeine-free after all!  You can send the troops home! The ‘ultra simple diet’ allows for me to have up to two cups of green tea per day.  Problem solved!!

So, see, going out of our comfort zone, varying from our routine, doesn’t have to be scary!  We can, like Miss Frizzle said, “Take chances, get messy, make mistakes!” If I weren’t willing to take a chance with this doctor and her ‘ultra simple diet’ for one week, I might not have learned that I like green tea with goji berry.  Who knows what else I will learn this week?

I am going to go out on a limb and say I probably won’t like drinking olive oil, but hey, I’ve been wrong before. After all, it’s only two tablespoons per day and you mix it with the juice of 1/2 of one organic lemon.  (I am really not making this up.)

I’ll try to bring you along on the journey this week, especially if I am thrilled and amazed by the results.  I feel  bit like a guinea pig, but it is encouraging know that I might be learning stuff that benefit more than just myself, that I’m ‘taking one for the team.’

In the mean time, I will continue my daily prayers that God would heal me completely — body, mind, and spirit — through whichever means He chooses.  I pray that for you, too.

3 John 1:2

Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health

and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well.

Bye, bye, for now, Joe

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

I just finished half of my caffeine supply for today.  Sigh.  I’m going to try not to dwell on this too much, but guys, it’s a loss. Maybe just a temporary loss, but still a loss.

I used to give up caffeine for Lent.  Sometimes I would give up all caffeine, sometimes just coffee.  Somewhere along the way, I switched from giving things up to adding a lifestyle change during Lent that would last beyond the forty days — daily exercise, prayer, Bible study, healthier eating.  But, as I am sure you can guess, my intentions didn’t always match the outcome.

I vaguely remember giving up all caffeine right before we moved to the Seminary ten years ago.  Not only did I give up my coffee and tea, I also cleaned up my diet, added some exercise, and trimmed down a little.  Granted, it probably was out of anxiety for the move, a way to get some control in a tenuous time, but I think I remember feeling strong and healthy.

Well, a lot of things changed at the Seminary.  For one, there was a fabulous little coffee shop adjacent to the campus. My husband and I began to frequent it.  I also began running again after several years’ hiatus. I went to work full time while continuing to do my best as a mother to three school-aged children.  And the soldiering began.  Soldiers do drink coffee; everyone knows that.

In fact, my students and colleagues were well aware of my love for java.  I wrote sonnets about coffee — it’s true.   My husband would sometimes surprise me with a classroom coffee delivery — forget flowers! My colleagues and I would often escape during our prep period for fifteen minutes to run out for a cup of Starbucks.  In fact, I had one student teacher who regularly volunteered to go pick up our orders for us! My love for caffeine was so well-known that during my last month at Lutheran North, several students brought me Starbucks gift cards tucked inside thank you notes.

Over the last two years, as I have been on and off a variety of medications, my tastes have changed:  I often now prefer a strong cup of English breakfast over coffee;  I used to drink my coffee with cream, now I drink everything black and unsweetened.  But let’s be clear here: I always, I mean always, drink caffeine.  Usually three or more cups of the stuff.  Every day.

So, in anticipation of the ‘ultra simple diet’ experiment, I am tapering off.  I am allowing myself two cups of tea today.  Two tomorrow.  One cup each on Thursday and Friday.  I think I have established Saturday as Day One.  I gotta gear up, especially when the first instruction for each day is to “drink two tablespoons organic extra-virgin olive oil mixed with the juice of half of an organic lemon.”  Who does that?   It’s supposed to “help flush the toxins from your bile and liver into your gut to be excreted.”  Good morning.

It’s weird.  So is washing yourself in the Jordan seven times.  When Elisha sent the messenger to tell Naaman to do this, Naaman was ticked!  “Come on, I could’ve done that at home!”  He stomped off in a rage.  (Sounds like something I would do.)  But his servant ran after him and said something like, “Is it really gonna kill you to give it a try?” (That’s the Rathje Revised Version.) Now, I am not saying my doctor is a prophet.  But she’s not asking me to have surgery, to take daily or weekly injections, or to acknowledge that I am going to be in pain for the rest of my life.  She’s just asking me for seven days.  Is it really gonna kill me to give it a try?

Sigh.  Probably not.

Psalm 6:2

Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;

heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.

Late night steam-of-conciousness

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, no more fears…

Jeremy Camp

It’s almost 7:00 pm and I have actually been up and moving since the other 7:00 today.  Yet, I didn’t fit in a work out.  I haven’t blogged.  I haven’t even watched any junk TV.

What did I do?  Well, I drove across town for an oil change — but I had the wrong time, so I had to reschedule.  I salvaged that trip by going through the car wash.  I came home and mixed up some gluten-free/dairy-free coconut-banana muffins. I sampled one before half of them were sent to my husband’s coworkers.  I got Starbucks.  I read about forty pages in a book I am editing.  I grabbed a quick snack before driving across town again for an appointment.  Three hours later I drove back home.  I made some baked swai and tried a new recipe for quinoa with kale, then shared both with my husband, along with a couple of the muffins from earlier in the day.

And what did this out-of-the-ordinary day yield for me?  Some good food, that is to be sure, some movement on my editing project, yes, and possibly, just maybe, a little shred of hope.

My  appointment  was with a doctor who practices integrative medicine.  Prior to going I had to submit my whole health record including lab reports, family history, a food diary, and list of medications.  I also had to physically carry in all of the medications and supplements that I currently take. The nurse did the usual measurements — weight, height, blood pressure, and temperature and then left me to wait for the doctor.

As I sat there waiting, utter fatigue flooded over me.  I could feel two years’ worth of frustration pushing up through me and trying to force its way out of my eyes.  Why did I think this doctor appointment would be any different?  Why did I think this doctor would have any answers, any solutions, or even any far-fetched schemes that might help me feel less-tired, less achey, less pathetic?

By the time she walked in almost twenty minutes later, I was feeling a bit defensive.  My answers to her first two questions ended up sounding a bit sharp, so I paused and said, “I’m sorry.  I am tired. I’m tired of feeling sick and tired. And doctors’ visits are very stressful.”  When she answered, “I’m sure they are stressful,” the tears threatened to spill over, but I checked them.  I took a deep breath and tried to answer as honestly and politely as I could for the next hour.  Yes, hour.

“Do you have any pain-free days?” she asked.

“No.”

“Well, let’s start there. Let’s see if we can get you a pain-free day.”

Seriously?  Pain-free?  I think she believes she can do it!  It’s going to take some work on my part.  But, what have I got to lose, besides some pain, right?

So, we started today with more blood work.  Ho-hum.  She changed the dosage on some of my supplements and removed some of the others.  Tomorrow I will do a ‘saliva test’. Then comes the hard stuff.

I agreed to do an ‘ultra simple diet’ for seven days.  It involves lots of veggies, rice, broth, and some shake mix stuff.  And it excludes almost all caffeine, alcohol, sugar, and virtually everything that isn’t veggies, rice, broth, and shake mix stuff.

Yes, I am agreeing to go off caffeine….except for green tea — bleh! — for seven days.  I am warning you now so that you can steer clear of Ann Arbor, spend extra time in prayer, and read my posts with compassion.

I’ll be cleansing my body of all kinds of toxins, she says.  I’ll be creating a blank slate, she says.  We’ll be able to know more then, she says.

I looked at the instructions for the ‘Ultra Simple Diet’ for a long time.  It doesn’t look like much fun at all. But I kept hearing her words in my head, “pain-free day, pain-free day, pain-free day…” She thinks it can happen.  No medical professional has dared hope with me for that in two years.

If I don’t try, I won’t know.

So, I bought the liver cleanse, the probiotics, and the shake mix stuff.  I’ve gotta go to the grocery store to get the specific veggies, fresh herbs, and organic whatevers I am going to need.  And I’ve gotta take two days, at least, to wean myself off caffeine.

This could get ugly, folks.  Good thing I re-committed to prayer a couple of weeks ago; I think it’s gonna be a requirement.

Ultimately I know that God can give me pain-free days whenever He chooses, with or without an ‘ultra simple diet’.  So far, He has provided emotional and lifestyle healing through this illness.  I am not sorry about any of that.  I don’t want to go back to being a soldier kicking butts and taking names. And, the only reason I stopped being a soldier was because I could no longer physically keep at it.  I crashed.  And burned.  And limped.  And moaned.

I am moving slowly and intentionally now because that is all I can do.  If I am physically healed, will I continue at this pace?  Or will I go back to soldiering? Is two years long enough for me to learn this lesson?

I don’t know any of those answers.

I want to be still and know that He is God.  I want to use my gifts to His glory.  I want to rest in the palm of His hand.

I have a pastor-friend who prays each morning that my illness will be completely reversed.  He tells me this every time I see him.  I tell him that not all healing is physical, and that God is blessing me through this illness.  But guys, he is an eighty-year-old pastor and he is praying for me every morning. 

I do want physical healing, if God has it for me.  I also want to be content with whatever He gives me.  I want to hold on to the lessons I have learned in the last two years and continue to learn more.  So, I’m gonna give this doctor’s plan a try, and at the same time, pray to the Great Physician that my healing will be complete.  I know it will be one day, perhaps even on this earth.

James 5:16

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other

so that you may be healed.

The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

Thanksgiving in the Next Chapter, the rest of the story

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

I gotta tell you that Thanksgiving in the Next Chapter is different!  I really was planning on making the green bean casserole and baking the pie on Wednesday.  I was!  But it didn’t happen.  And it was ok! Let me tell you how it went down.

Wednesday I did go to the Post Office and I did try to look the clerk in the eyes, but he wouldn’t have it.  I swear he is a cyborg.  Every time I go in he says the exact same thing, moves in the exact same fashion, and perfectly avoids all eye contact or casual conversation.  I did manage to say, “Have a great day!” I think his automatic response was “You, too.”

I did hit the gym — thirty minutes on the elliptical, a few reps on the weights, ten laps in the pool, a short sit in the jacuzzi, a run through the shower and I was on my way.

I drove through Starbucks en route to the grocery store thinking to myself, “Really? You planned all week to go to the grocery story on the day before Thanksgiving?”

My daughter joined me on the phone and walked with me round the store, up and down the aisles, back and forth as I remembered and forgot different items on my list.  I let others go ahead of me and intentionally moved slowly. I think I was there for almost two hours.

I got regular text updates from my other daughter as she made her way across the country to join us for the holiday.  And I did pray over and over that her trip would be safe.

And by the time I got home from the grocery, I didn’t even have the steam to unload. Bye-bye, pie.  Bye-bye, green bean casserole.

I did have the presence of mind to purchase a rotisserie chicken, some deli cheese, assorted crackers, and such, so that I wouldn’t have to make dinner, but I had to lie down and rest before I could even think about attempting to put out the spread.

My son carried in the groceries, and he did also vacuum.  No one dusted.  And, you know, I watched as the new Kristin was ok with all of this.  She sat in bed watching three episodes of Gilmore Girls.  She closed her eyes for a while.  When she felt she could, she rose out of bed and put out some food for supper.

After hugging, eating, and chatting, everyone slept.

On Thanksgiving morning, we all rolled leisurely out of bed.  I put the turkey in the oven and made the green bean casserole.  The stuffing was a group effort with three people contributing their expertise.  A daughter made cranberry sauce expertly and whisked gravy like an old pro.  A boyfriend owned the pumpkin pie.  A son mashed potatoes and set the table.  The husband did the heavy lifting and much of the pre-, during-, and after-dinner clean-up.  Everyone helped get the feast on the table. We all chatted and enjoyed one another. And ultimately, everyone was delightfully stuffed.

We had no schedule.  No pressure.  No disappointment.

I climbed in bed with a book around 6:30.  I read and rested for a few hours before I was finally ready for sleep.

For the forty-eight hours of Thanksgiving, I didn’t once rush, and it all went perfectly.  Why didn’t I figure this out twenty years ago?  Because I thought my soldier strategy was working just fine, thankyouverymuch.  Let me be clear here, my soldier strategy sucked. (Sorry, Mom — she hates when I say ‘sucked’.) This is one more lesson in process over product, journey over destination, being over doing.  I’m getting it, guys.  It’s taking a while, but I am getting the message.  I can be still and know that He is God.  I can rest in the palm of his hand.   And, it’s much better for everyone when I do.

Psalm 46:10

Be still and know that I am God

Luke 12:32

Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.

Changing

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

I got home at 2:30 am today. That’s a real time.  I left the Washtenaw County Courthouse around 2:15 and drove through a mostly abandoned Ann Arbor, past the medical center, and the VA.  I was less than a mile from home, near Gallup Park, when I thought, “Oh, I better watch for deer—” and as I said it,  one appeared, as my son would say, “at eleven o’clock.”  I stopped in the middle of the road, met eyes with the critter, and nodded for him to go ahead and cross.  I swear he nodded back and then sprang across the road in front of me.

After over seven hours of chatting with the two agents from the Associated Press, entering tallies into my iPhone app, and playing countless rounds of CandyCrush (yes, I re-installed that dumb game on my phone!), I was not quite ready for sleep.  So I plunked down on the couch and read.

A friend recently loaned me a book called, Still Alice, which chronicles the life of a woman about my age who is diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s.  It is told from her point of view from before the diagnosis until she no longer recognizes the people in her family or even herself. I read and I cried.  I’m not sure what touched me more, her sense of loss, or the ways that her family learned to love and care for her as she became something that she had never been.

Around 4:30am, with only about thirteen pages left, I decided I was too drained to finish the book, so I crawled into bed and knocked out.  I woke up of my own volition around 11.  Chester may have been willing me awake, because when I stirred, he leapt to his feet and pleaded with me to take him outside.  Apparently I understand deer and golden retrievers.

I took him out, went back to the couch, tried some more to conquer Candy Crush and pushed away thoughts of eating, making tea, blogging, and working out. I wasn’t sure I would do much at all today.  My body ached and I was tired. I didn’t feel hungry and I wasn’t even really interested in tea.  Maybe I would just lose the day to couch-dom.

I hadn’t been in my position long when the front door opened.  My husband entered and found me looking, I’m sure, pathetic in my jammies with a glazed look on my face.  “I thought you might be up.  Can I make you some lunch?”

“I guess I should eat something.”

“Can I make you some tea, too?”

“I’ll come join you in the kitchen.  Maybe if I washed the dishes my hands would feel better.”

He sautéed onions and spinach in butter and stirred in scrambled eggs, just how I like them.  I washed dishes and told him about my night downtown.  We ate and laughed together and by the time he left I was ready to go back to my book, to think about driving to the gym, and to sit for a few minutes at my computer to blog.

It’s not lost on me — the connection I am making between my life and the book.  I am a someone I have never been.  Sometimes I don’t recognize myself.  Yet, I have a husband, and children, who are learning new ways to love and support me.

Oh, and I think I am learning to talk to animals.

Lamentations 3:22-23

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

for His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

My life as a lab rat

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

Did you ever feel like a lab rat?

Let’s think about lab rats for a moment.  They stay in cages and are given a variety of ‘treatments’ and then are ‘observed’.  They really don’t do anything else.

My nephew is a physician.  During medical school, he told us about a summer during which he daily practiced sutures on a lab rat.  Each day he would take the rat out of the cage, anesthetize it, slice it open, suture it up, then put it back in its cage.  Poor rat.

Ok, I don’t really feel like a lab rat, but I do share some characteristics with one.  You already know that I love my little house by the river, so I won’t compare it to a cage.  After all, I have a lovely view, I can come and go as I please, I make my own food, and I have the steady companionship of my husband and my dog.  However,  even though I am not currently ‘caged’, I am an object of experimentation.

You may recall that my doctors are unsure of my diagnosis; they don’t think I have Psoriatic Arthritis, which is what my doctors in St. Louis diagnosed me with. So, experiment #1, they discontinued one of my medications — the biologic, Humira, which is used to treat Psoriatic Arthritis, Rheumatoid Arthritis and other autoimmune diseases.  They are currently observing me to see the effects of that change.  Two doctors stood near me last Wednesday and asked me questions about what symptoms were resurfacing, and asked if I thought they warranted taking the medication I had been on.  We agreed to do some more observing.

They also decided to add a new medication, Neurontin, which they said is used for fibromyalgia,  to see if it alleviates some of these symptoms. Experiment #2. Well, since I am not currently working, and am not in danger of missing work due to illness, I agreed to give it a try.  I mean, maybe they are right.  Maybe I do have fibromyalgia.  And if I do, doesn’t it seem that Neurontin would help with my symptoms?

Well, here’s where I differ from a lab rat.  I have a computer and am quite adept at doing my own research.  I do have a master’s degree and a bachelor’s degree, after all.  So, my research shows me that Neurontin is used to treat epilepsy and the nerve pain associated with shingles.  Let me assure you that I do not have epilepsy, nor have I had shingles.  Now, I have been around doctors long enough to know that medicines can be helpful to treat maladies for which they were not originally designed.  So, I did more research to see if people with fibromyalgia had any success with Neurontin.  The results I found were overwhelmingly, ‘No.’  In fact, it seems that Neurontin is great at causing sleep, lethargy, dizziness and weight gain.  Great.

So, I am supposed to take 300 mg at bedtime for one week to see if that ‘helps’.   Then I am can, “if you want” take 300 mg in the morning and 300 mg at midday.  Really?  They are letting the rat decide if she wants to sleep more, be more lethargic, dizzier, and heavier?

I have been taking it for four days.  No, I don’t feel better.  Yes, I sleep very well.  I sure hope I haven’t gained weight in four days.  Lethargy?  I mean, we may or may not have watched ten episodes of Criminal Minds this weekend while lounging on the couch.  But, I did also go to the gym on Friday, walk on Saturday and Sunday, and yell loudly every time Michigan State scored against the University of Michigan.

This rat is skeptical.  But, two years into this thing, nothing has really alleviated all the symptoms.  No tests exists to definitively diagnosis what I have.  In fact, all my labs say I am ‘normal’.  [Insert laughter here].  Actually, if I was truly a rat, no doctors or scientists would be doing anything to me.  From the outside, I look just fine.

But I am not a rat.  And I can tell you that I am not just fine.  But I can also tell you that what I have is not life-threatening, it just slows me down. It makes me uncomfortable, and it forces me to rely on others.  Because I hurt, I have more empathy for others. Because I am slowed down, I have more time to listen.

Do I want a cure for that?  I think I need more time for observation.

Isaiah 55:9

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways,

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

A break from spinning

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Dear God,

Hi.  No, I’m not here to complain.  No, I don’t want anything from You.

I just thought it was time that we, you know, chatted.  Yeah, I know it’s been a while.  I’ve kind of been doing my own thing, running my own show.  I’m pretty good at it, actually.  I can keep a lot of plates spinning all at the same time.  Even in my current state.  But, I got to thinking a little about it this morning, and I started to realize that You probably have more for me than a lot of plate spinning.

Yeah?

I thought so.

Thing is, I got pretty focused on keeping those plates spinning for a pretty long time. And some people around me were pretty impressed, too.  That’ll make a person want to keep spinning plates.

And of course, that is not to say that the activities of my life have been as meaningless as literally spinning plates.  After all, You were there.  You did provide me with all the ‘plates’ I was spinning — marriage, parenting, teaching, domestic engineering. Thing is, I didn’t fully acknowledge, on a daily basis, that these things were gifts from you and actually vehicles to serve you.

And still, You actually used my self-centered, self-sufficiency to serve others.  I don’t get it. I was actually surprised when people came to me and said, “Mrs. Rathje, what you said in class really made a difference.  It is just what God needed me to hear.”  I was, after all, pretty focused on keeping the plates spinning.  And in all that focusing, I did miss a lot of what was going on around me.

So, I’ve noticed recently, that You are holding all the plates.

Hm.  It’s like You want my attention.

So, here I am. Paying attention. Listening.  Watching.

I keep trying to find different plates to pick up, so that I can get back to my spinning, but I can’t seem to find any at the moment.  So, I guess You’re serious.

Yeah, You’re serious.  You’ve got my attention.

Our relationship comes first.  Healing comes first.  Rest comes first.

Then can I have the plates back?

I’m missing the point? Ok, Ok, You’ve got the plates.  I’m ready to listen.

Matthew 22:37-38

[Jesus] said to them, “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart,

with all your soul, and with all your mind.

This is the great and foremost commandment.”

I know the plans I have for you

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

“plans to give you a future and a hope.”

Jeremiah 29:11

I’ve been sitting at my computer now for about an hour.  I keep getting distracted from my blog.  I made a hotel reservation for an upcoming trip.  I sent a few emails.  I printed a few documents. And I even started a job application.

Don’t worry, I quickly abandoned it when I realized how long it was!  I don’t think I’m ready yet!  That’s ok, it’s only October 13.  I have time, and God has a plan.  Right?  I am counting on it!

That doesn’t mean I am going to stay in my pajamas until January 1 expecting a phone call that will offer me a ridiculous amount of money to do exactly what I love.  Of course not!  Although my jammies are rather comfy, if I do say so myself.  I will apply for some jobs.  I may even complete an application today, but I’ve gotta work up to it.

God’s plan for me right now is to be doing exactly what I am doing.  I am resting.  I am processing.  I am feeling.  I am evaluating.  I am healing.  And it all takes time.

It’s pretty amazing to me that the whole time I was running around in St. Louis, working full-time plus, parenting, maintaining a large home, and barely keeping my head above the water line, God was planning for me to take this break.  He knew it was coming. I had no idea.  I just kept pushing.  Wash another load of laundry, grade another stack of papers, buy another cart of groceries, fill another prescription, cook another meal, make another appointment.  It was non-stop.  Until God said, “Stop.”

I never expected a break.  I longed for a shift, a different position, a lighter load, an emptier nest, but never in a million years, did I imagine six months of not working, just resting, just recovering, just contemplating.

But He knew.  He knew I needed time to do nothing.  Hours to read, to play Words with Friends, to sleep, to watch Law and Order (there, I finally outed myself), to try new recipes, to drink coffee and tea, to connect with old friends, to make new friends. I had no idea I needed this.  But He did.

It’s a bit overwhelming, to be honest.  The one who created the universe– the trees, the river, the deer, coffee, and every single person — noticed me running frantically about like the squirrels in the trees outside my window.  He saw me fussing and fretting and trying to order my world.  And, instead of just being entertained my my futile attempts, he stepped into my life and provided what I needed.

So, why would I worry that he doesn’t have the next phase planned, too? I have no idea.  For forty-eight years he has provided just what I needed at exactly the right time — friends, mentors, experiences, finances, food, shelter, clothing, spouse, children, employment, and even rest.  Why would He stop now?

Luke 12:6-7

Are not five sparrows sold for two cents?  Yet not one of them is forgotten before God.

…Do not fear, you are more valuable than many sparrows.

God speaks

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

I’m not going to tell you that I have heard the voice of God.  I haven’t.  However, I believe He has arranged information in my life in such a way that I will hear His message loud and clear.

I started this next chapter back in July with the subtitle ‘what to do, what to do’.  I really did have the intention from the very beginning that I would like to eventually find a position here in Ann Arbor that would use my gifts to connect with others. I wasn’t sure what that would look like, and I was hoping that God would make it clear during this time of being still.  I explored some of my options in a post called ‘Sneak Peak at the Possibilities’ several weeks ago.

Then, through yesterday’s post, ‘One Remedy’, God reminded me that I am a bit insulated here in my little house by the river, which is nice for the grace period, but probably not good for the long haul.  To add to that, in this morning’s Bible study, on I Thessalonians 5:4-8, He reminded me that I am ‘a child of light’ who has been equipped to get off my tuchus and make a difference. Ok, Ok, I know I am not going to stay here in the grace period forever.  I get it.  I never intended to.

But in this grace period I am learning so much!!!  So, let me re-visit my formerly stated possibilities:

  • apply to the PhD program in English and Education at University of Michigan — just yesterday (I tell you, I am not hearing an audible voice, but the message is clear) my husband sent me a text telling me that there would be an on-campus discussion about code-switching.  This may not mean anything to you, but one of the reasons I was pursuing this degree was to examine the ways that home language impacts academic success.  One way that students find academic success is through code-switching.  For years I have been discussing code-switching with students and showing them how to do it.  I don’t know why, but this text from my husband said to me, “Hey, Kristin, this is God. I have the code-switching thing covered.  I have people handling that.  I am releasing you to look at your other options.”  I am serious when I say I smiled and said, “Ok, decision made.”  So, this is no longer one of my options.

Now, before I go on to examine the other options, I want to share a few things I have learned about myself in the past few months.

  • Blogging feeds me.  Whatever I decide to do in my next chapter, I want to be able to blog, if not every day, then several days a week.  This vehicle has allowed me to reflect on life and learn in ways that I have not been able to in my bustling non-stop life.
  • Rest is an essential part of my day.  Everyday I take 1-2 hours to sit and be non-productive.  I watch TV, read, play Words with Friends, work on a puzzle, or do nothing.  Whatever position I take has to allow me to do this most days.
  • Exercise is critical for my health.  I have to spend about an hour each day working on strength, flexibility, cardiovascular health, and balance in order to feel my best.
  • Social time is non-negotiable.  I have to have time when I can chat with friends without feeling rushed.  I need time to have people over for dinner and to meet friends for coffee. This part of my life was all but overlooked for the last ten years.
  • I sleep about 8-9 hours every day.  I didn’t always need that.  I do now.  Sometimes I need more.

Ok, so, you can see that my options are somewhat limited.  I believe that whatever I end up doing will be part-time, 2-3 days out of the house each week.  I would like this position to be one where I interact with people from a variety of backgrounds.  Ideally, I would be able to use my skills in writing, teaching, and mentoring.  Ok, so let’s go back to the list of possibilities.

  • apply for an adjunct teaching position at Washtenaw Community College — this is still an option.  I think it fits all the criteria.  It is also very close to home.  I would have a stack, but I can limit how much I teach, I think, and thereby limit the stack. I think I will complete an application for this in the next week or two.
  • apply for a totally different position — I have been looking online and I have seen a few options here, too.  The Ann Arbor Public Library is continually looking for part-time help.  I would be connecting with the community and I wouldn’t have to bring stuff home with me.  The downside is that it is not tapping into my skill set directly, but it might be ok to ease back in to all that.
  • airport job — I have not examined this at all, but after I fly all these kids home and back over the holidays this may look a little more appealing!
  • freelance stuff — this is still an option, too.  In this academic environment, I am sure that I could tutor or edit.  If I could get a 1000 or so followers, I might be able to just blog — lol.

So, it is October 10.  I initially said that I would take a break at least until January.  That seems, in my mind, like a long time off.  But then I think, the last ten weeks have been so rich and full.  January 2 is only twelve weeks from now.  My granddaughter is due on January 10.  What’s my rush?

I haven’t heard an audible voice, but I am getting the message that I need to continue to be still.  I am getting the message that it is ok to take my own needs into consideration when examining my options.  I am starting to feel excited about the possibilities and getting back out there. I definitely needed this break; I am glad that I listened to the still, small voice that told me to take it.

Psalm 46:10

Cease striving and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all the earth.