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Hi, honey, I’m ho-ome.

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Guys, I have a couple of problems — parking tickets and library fines.  (I am not going to mention jury duty at the moment, because I don’t currently have a summons.)

I do realize that these are first-world problems and that I could have it much worse, but perhaps I need an intervention.

I have paid so many library fines and parking tickets in my life that I no longer get upset by them.  Sure, I feed the meter like everyone else.  Yes, I observe the due dates stamped inside my library books (which, by the way, the Ann Arbor District Library does not supply). But, you know, stuff happens.

Like yesterday.  I was meeting some friends for lunch and a cooking class (which were both fabulous by the way).  I asked in advance (I have witnesses) what the parking options were and if I could avoid feeding a meter.  Turns out we were in the very popular Kerrytown area, on a Wednesday, which happens to be market day, which happens to be extra crowded.  The only parking lot was crammed full.  I drove around figuring out the one-way streets for close to ten minutes before I found the perfect spot just steps from our lunch destination.  Woo-hoo!  I had combed the bottom of my purse earlier in the morning, collecting all the loose change I had — a few dollars’ worth, so I fed ALL of it into the meter.  That bought me enough time for lunch.  I told myself that I would get change for the few ones inside my wallet before we headed to our class.

Well, you know, we had such a nice time talking over our delicious lunches that I forgot to get change.  Once outside, I glanced at my dear, Suze Cruze sitting in her perfect spot next to an empty meter and thought to myself, “Oh well, probably going to get a ticket today.”  But, one of the other, more responsible, ladies said, “Oh, I better feed the meter,” so I said, “does anyone have any change?”  Of course one of them did.  I asked if she had one dollar’s worth, or two.  She only had one.  So, I said, “That’s ok, I like living on the edge.”  Yes, I seriously said that out loud.

I may never learn.

I fed the four quarters into the slot, and headed to the class.  I was gone just over one hour and returned to find the lovely white envelope along with the curled up citation pinched ever so daintily under my windshield wiper.  Ah, yes, I thought.   The world is as it should be.  I was past the time, I got a ticket.  I have finally arrived at home in Ann Arbor.

But I am telling you, St. Louis misses me.  Right in front of our home in St. Louis was a sign that read “No parking, first Tuesday (or was it Monday) of every month. Noon to 4pm (or was it 8am to noon).”  We lived there six year, folks.  And I couldn’t tell you which day or time we weren’t supposed to park there.  Even after paying who knows how many  $10 parking tickets.  But here’s the thing.  In my heart of hearts I believe that those fines are serving some noble purpose.  (Don’t burst my bubble.) You know, all of that money I ‘invested’ in St. Louis parking probably financed a couple of handicapped parking spots.  Right? Or re-surfaced a road downtown.  It’s possible.

And as for those library fines?  They are purchasing much needed books for all the children in the world.  Yes, I currently owe $3 to the Ann Arbor District Library.  I borrowed a DVD, and you can only keep those for one week.  Of course,  I forgot about it.  And every day you are late costs $1.  But while other people might be upset by this, I feel welcomed by the Ann Arbor District Library.  It’s like they were notified by the St. Louis Public Library who said, “Hey, Rathje’s moving to town, and she’s good for lots of fines.  Keep your eye on her.”

This morning I went online to pay my parking ticket.  Tomorrow I’ll stop by and pay my library fine.  (I’m still waiting for the jury summons to show up.)  Hi, honey, I’m ho-ome!

Ecclesiastes 3:4

“…a time to laugh…”

Yay! Wednesday!!

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

It’s Wednesday.  You know what that means — Bible study.

I am not sure why I feel such a draw to this group, but I do.  Perhaps it’s the sequence of events that led me to these ladies (see “One Thing Leads to Another” if you are interested).  Maybe it’s the fact that this is the first group in Ann Arbor that is ‘mine’, not my husband’s.  Maybe it’s the fact that the actual study we are doing is pretty spot-on relevant to my life at the moment.  But I want you to know that after five weeks I am scheduling trips, appointments,  and (potential) work around it.

Twenty-one ladies if we are all there.  That’s a pretty large group, so I don’t know everyone yet.  There are typically 16-18 in attendance, and we had been keeping our discussion time all together in one large group, so some people didn’t speak (or have a turn to speak).  Last week we broke into two discussion groups and that allowed for more of the ladies to speak and be heard.  We decided to shuffle the groups each week so that we could all get to know one another.

What’s weird is that the group has been going for, I don’t know, eight or nine years and I don’t feel like a newbie or like I don’t belong.  I was welcomed right in as one of the family.  That’s it.  That’s why I am so drawn to this group.  They didn’t look at me suspiciously and wonder how I was going to change the group.  They embraced me.  Literally and figuratively.  And I like it!

I’m not the only one who is drawn to this group, of course.  Some of these ladies have to overcome enormous obstacles just to attend every week.  One is caring for her husband who has Alzheimer’s — she has to arrange for someone to come into the house and stay with him while she is gone.  Another had a major car accident last summer and is just now beginning to walk with just a cane; she has been there every week except the week of her brother’s funeral! Another has some kind of problem with her eyesight; she has to arrange a ride each week.  One dear woman drives herself, parks in the spot marked with handicapped sign, and then takes ten minutes with her walker to get to her designated spot around the table.  One has three school-aged children. You get the point.  These women are committed to getting to this group!

And you can almost feel the “Ahhhhhhhh!” each releases as she walks through the door and finds her place at the table.  Our leader makes a point to spread a tablecloth over the two plastic folding churchy banquet tables.  Sometimes someone brings a bouquet of flowers to put in the center.  One gal brings cookies or muffins to share; another brings some type of fruit.  We have decorative paper plates and mismatched napkins.  An urn of coffee and another of hot water are at the ready.

We pray collectively, with each given an opportunity to lift her burden or the burden of someone else.  We discuss the study we have completed through the week inserting relevant (or not so relevant) commentary.  We watch our video lesson.  We chat and hug and say goodbye until next week.

It’s a refueling station. Each woman determines to get herself there by 9:30 am so that she can leave refreshed 11:30 am, ready to face whatever is in her path for the next six days and twenty-two hours.  And although I am not facing much in my own path at the moment, I definitely need the refueling.  Ahhhhhhh….Wednesday.

Hebrews 10:24

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works,

not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some,

but encouraging one another…

The teacher gets schooled

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

Once upon a time there was a girl.  She really wanted to be a teacher.  She often lined up all her friends in rows and stood in front to ‘teach’ them in the yard, or the basement, or the garage.  In fact, when she was in the second grade, her teacher, Mrs. Anderson, assigned her the task of working with a classmate who was struggling to learn how to read.  The little girl loved showing him how to sound out the words.

Learning came easily to her, but she was drawn to those for whom it didn’t.  It was a challenge to figure out how to explain things in ways that they could understand.

Her experiences as she grew included babysitting, teaching Sunday school, working at a day care center or two, more babysitting, student teaching, and finally a college degree and teaching certificate.  As a young woman, she took her first teaching position as a teacher of learning disabled students in a little classroom in an old building in Detroit.

She moved on to resource rooms at two high schools and then a residential school for emotionally impaired teenagers.  In each of these places, she had the title ‘teacher’, but she was actually a student.  She was learning so much about herself, about her students, and about learning.  Yes, she had taken methods classes in college.  She had studied Shakespeare and Faulkner, Piaget, and Maslow.  But the real learning began amidst countless adolescents who would become her teachers.

And it didn’t stop there.  Her intensive training started when she married a man with a four-year-old son.  It continued when she gave birth to not one, not two, but three babies in three years.  She began an adventure in ‘homeschooling’ which again taught her more than it did any of her students.

The master’s program she enrolled in introduced her to topics like hegemony, code-switching, and mushfaking, sure. But her time in the trenches, two community colleges and two high schools, ingrained in her the knowledge that relationships are more important than curriculum, that process is more important than product, and that being is more important than doing.

And,  now?  Now is the advanced individualized course in self-awareness and reliance on God.  Some people take introductory courses in this topic, but this girl has been pretty darn busy in her other educational pursuits.  Alas, it is never too late for a girl to learn the basics.

She is learning them from The Teacher through His Word, yes, but also through experience, relationships, and the learning method that works best for her — writing. It’s a multi-modal approach, designed specifically for this learner.  It takes into account the other lessons she has had and allows for multiple assessments with an eye toward mastery.  Failure is not an option.  The Teacher has ensured it.

Matthew 11:28-30

Come to me, all who labour and are heavy-laden,

and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,

for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Monday morning struggling…

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

Uh-oh. It’s happening again.  This is my third start on today’s blog.  I have gotten to two or three paragraphs and deleted twice already.

I was going to write about our trip to Washington, DC this past weekend and how blessed and beautiful that whole trip was.  Then I started hearing myself speak and I was like, “blah, blah, blah, who cares about your trip?”

Then, I started doing statistical analysis on this blog — what topics are most interesting to people who are not me.  Yeah, I tried math. Bad idea.

So why don’t I stick to what I do well and tell you what’s on my mind this morning. I sometimes feel redundant like I write about the same things all the time. But, hey, it’s my blog — it’s what’s on my mind — I can’t help it.  Whenever I try to force something and make it about something else, I end up deleting a whole bunch of paragraphs.  In fact, I am not even sure this won’t get deleted.

I am not sure it will have a point at all.  And maybe it doesn’t have to.

Here are the facts.  We had a beautiful weekend.  I am exhausted.  I am in my pajamas and need to be out of them within the hour.  My hips and feet feel like they are coated in IcyHot (no, I am not a paid sponsor, in fact I doubt I will ever have need to buy this stuff because my body seems to simulate its effects on its own).

But in the midst of this less than stellar mind-frame, I read my Bible study this morning which was about how the Word of God is effective even when we don’t think it is effective. I know, it sounds like a rather boring topic, doesn’t it?  But a little nugget grabbed hold of me.

You know, I’m sure by now, how pre-occupied I am with figuring out what it is I am supposed to do next…so after I read “If we’ll ask God to fill us with the Holy Spirit as we read and study, He will alert us when He’s speaking to our situation through a precept that doesn’t blatantly fit” (Beth Moore, Children of the Day, 155), I saw “we’ll often feel emotionally and spiritually satisfied after a work handpicked and infused by the Holy Spirit…If you’re on the right track of your spiritual gifting you’ll start getting snippets of feedback that affirm your contribution…(157),
and I thought, holy cow!  I love blogging, I am affirmed through blogging, but, “um, God, sorry to bother You, but I am a little worried over here about finances and paying for stuff, you know, education, and trips, and stuff.”

But in the same lesson I also saw, from The Message version of Psalm 119,

Give my request your personal attention, rescue me on the terms of your promise…put your hand out and steady me since I’ve chosen to live by your counsel…[you know, I am trying to be still and know that You are God over here]…

And I thought to myself, this is where the rubber meets the road, isn’t it?  Do I trust Him enough to do what He says even when things get a little uncomfortable?  a little scary?  When I can’t see how things will work out?

In this moment, my answer is ‘yes’.

Do I believe that I am only supposed to blog?  Nope.  I think you are going to get bored reading stuff about me being still.  I think I need a little material to write about. So, perhaps I’ll get a job at the library, or teach composition, or work at the airport. And today I answered an ad from a grad student who needs help organizing a thesis. I could do that.

I don’t think I know what’s next yet.  So, I think I will continue to acknowledge that He is God and I am not, and I am, after all, sitting in the palm of His hand.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

Pass the oxygen

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

I Thessalonians 5:11

Encourage one another and build one another up,

just as you are doing.

Have you ever had someone affirm you?  I’m talking about someone coming directly to you in the middle of your day, looking you in the eyes, and saying, “that thing that you do, that you think no one is noticing you doing, you really do that so well that it has a positive impact on my life.”  I hope you have!  It has happened to me a couple of times recently.  It has been as though someone has noticed me lying on the floor gasping for air, and they have run directly over to me, and placed an oxygen mask on me. Their words have filled me will life-giving breath.

I have had the opportunity to pass the oxygen along, too.  I wish I could say it was always intentional.  Sometimes it is, but often I am surprised. I make a comment in casual conversation like, “wow, you handled that so well!” Suddenly the listener’s eyes fill with tears and she says something like, “thank you for saying that.”  What?  What did I say? Why are you crying?  A comment jumps out of my mouth and it fuels the listener.

But recently a few people in my life have taken the time to write to me, pointing out something very specific I did that made an impact on their lives.  One person called me and elaborated on something I said and how it touched her.  What?  You took time out of your life to do that for me?

Maybe these people haven’t noticed that I am mostly hanging out at my house in my pajamas, drinking coffee and tea, meeting other ladies for lunch, and cooking gluten-, soy-, dairy-, and corn-free foods.  Maybe they haven’t noticed that my days are far from remarkable.

But they did take the time to notice some of my words.  Then, they took the time to use some of their own words to breathe life into me.  They didn’t leave me alone at this time when I might be tempted to feel very lonely and unimportant and inconsequential.  They listened to a still small voice that nudged them to encourage me and build me up.

And let me tell you, these small acts are contagious.  They cause me to notice the little things that others are doing and remark on them — the woman I met recently who is caring for her husband who has ALS and is also reaching out to her neighbor and inviting her into her home to study the Bible, the young mother I know who is scheduling time for mommy-daughter days with her eleven-year-old, the friend who, while battling her own health issues, is seeing to the needs of everyone else in her family.  Because I have been oxygenated, I am able to say to these women “you are remarkable; what you are doing is amazing.”   It’s like I can see them take in the breath.  Their cheeks pink up a bit.  They sigh.

Try it.  You’re gonna like it.

A break from spinning

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Dear God,

Hi.  No, I’m not here to complain.  No, I don’t want anything from You.

I just thought it was time that we, you know, chatted.  Yeah, I know it’s been a while.  I’ve kind of been doing my own thing, running my own show.  I’m pretty good at it, actually.  I can keep a lot of plates spinning all at the same time.  Even in my current state.  But, I got to thinking a little about it this morning, and I started to realize that You probably have more for me than a lot of plate spinning.

Yeah?

I thought so.

Thing is, I got pretty focused on keeping those plates spinning for a pretty long time. And some people around me were pretty impressed, too.  That’ll make a person want to keep spinning plates.

And of course, that is not to say that the activities of my life have been as meaningless as literally spinning plates.  After all, You were there.  You did provide me with all the ‘plates’ I was spinning — marriage, parenting, teaching, domestic engineering. Thing is, I didn’t fully acknowledge, on a daily basis, that these things were gifts from you and actually vehicles to serve you.

And still, You actually used my self-centered, self-sufficiency to serve others.  I don’t get it. I was actually surprised when people came to me and said, “Mrs. Rathje, what you said in class really made a difference.  It is just what God needed me to hear.”  I was, after all, pretty focused on keeping the plates spinning.  And in all that focusing, I did miss a lot of what was going on around me.

So, I’ve noticed recently, that You are holding all the plates.

Hm.  It’s like You want my attention.

So, here I am. Paying attention. Listening.  Watching.

I keep trying to find different plates to pick up, so that I can get back to my spinning, but I can’t seem to find any at the moment.  So, I guess You’re serious.

Yeah, You’re serious.  You’ve got my attention.

Our relationship comes first.  Healing comes first.  Rest comes first.

Then can I have the plates back?

I’m missing the point? Ok, Ok, You’ve got the plates.  I’m ready to listen.

Matthew 22:37-38

[Jesus] said to them, “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart,

with all your soul, and with all your mind.

This is the great and foremost commandment.”

Confessions, #1

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Ok, I gotta come clean.  I have applied for two jobs.

I know, I know, it’s not January!  I know, I know, this is the grace period.  Calm down, I listed my available start date as January 5, 2015.  Are you happy now?

Being still is hard!

Most days I am just fine going through the routine and then resting, but occasionally, I find a day where I am on the couch watching way too much TV and then up peering out the window waiting for my husband to get home from work.  As I am rehearsing my day to him over dinner, including how many times I took the dog outside, he looks me in the eyes and says, “Are you doing ok?”

Well, yeah.  I am doing ok.  Do you think it’s weird that I just reported our dog’s elimination pattern to you? 

We’ve already been over this.  I have had a job, outside of when our children were babies, since the time I was 15!  I am so accustomed to working that I practically have to set an agenda for myself every day!  Now, you already know that that agenda includes time on the couch, so I am actually resting, ok?

Sometimes, like Monday, I think I am running out of things to do, so I have to find a job.  And, come on, they are both part-time library jobs where I would actually be at the circulation desk fewer than 20 hours a week.  It’s not like I would be challenging young minds and grading their papers.  I’d be checking out books for people and helping them find their books in the stacks.  “Why, sonny, I remember when the card catalog was actually still on cards…” I would be in contact with people, and poor Chester, could get a break from me!

I had the fleeting thought yesterday as I was filling out one of the applications that, well, I could actually start sooner than January 5, couldn’t I?  I mean, Christmas money would be nice…

Then I remembered our trip to DC later this week, my election day commitment, our son’s visit during the second half of November, our daughters coming home for the holidays, and, oh yeah, the fact that my symptoms are persistent and I still need to lie down most days in the middle of the day.

Fine.

I guess I could enter our address book into some label-making software in time for Christmas.  I could create online files for all my recipes.  I could visit the library and read some more books.

But not today.  This morning is Bible study.  This afternoon I will be at the gym.  Tonight I will be too tired to do anything but watch the Cardinals.  January will be soon enough.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

This is an appointed time for everything.

And there is a time for every event under heaven.

Rejoice always?

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing,

give thanks in all circumstances

I Thessalonians 5: 16-18

Seriously?

Anyone who has known me for any amount of time knows that I am not very skilled at concealing my emotions.  If I am mad, my jaw is set, my gait is clipped, my words are sharp.  If I am sad, my face droops, my steps drag, I grow silent.  My demeanor can do nothing but reflect what is going on inside of me.  I am not one of those people who can just smile and say that everything is fine when actually, it isn’t.

So, I struggle with these directions from Paul.  I can’t be fake; it’s not in my DNA.

In fact, way back in 1988 when I was doing my student teaching at Concordia High School in Fort Wayne, Indiana, one of my cooperating teachers told me that in order to be a better teacher, I had to ‘stop wearing my heart on my sleeve’.  He wasn’t the first one to tell me to check my emotions.  It started with my great grandmother, Elsa, bless her heart, who told me that my face was ‘going to freeze that way’.  True.  And, I’ve already mentioned that I was voted ‘moodiest’ by my high school classmates.

I actually don’t think I was any moodier than anyone else, I just was incapable of containing it.  I ‘wore it on my sleeve’.  Yeah, not very attractive.

So, when Paul says, ‘rejoice always’, I think “Well, dear Paul, I will rejoice when there is a reason to rejoice, and mourn when there is a reason to mourn.”  And then I remember that there is, for me, always a reason to rejoice.  Even when I was a hormonal adolescent, I did actually have friends who cared. When I was overwhelmed with student teaching, I had already found my future husband who had been crafted by God just for me. When I was fighting my way through the metaphorical desert in St. Louis, even though it was a difficult time, God was still providing for our family in every way.  I did have plenty of reasons to rejoice.

However,  I did also have reasons in all of those circumstances for legitimate emotions — sadness, anger, frustration, hopelessness.  But, I believe that humans are complex enough that we can simultaneously mourn and rejoice.

On Sunday, I got a call from a friend who had recently lost her mother to cancer.  She is simultaneously mourning and rejoicing.  She is so sad for herself and her family because her mother was a gift from God. However, she is also rejoicing that her mother is with Jesus, free from pain, free from suffering.

Of course Paul’s instructions are right.  If the only good news we had was that God had sent His Son to die in our place and pay the debt for all our mistakes, that would be reason enough for rejoicing.  Wouldn’t it?  And yet, most of us who are able to read a blog on the Internet have so much more to be thankful for.  Even if our job is not what we had in mind, our family is struggling, our health is failing, and our finances are in the toilet, we can rejoice.

It’s important to see the next instructions from Paul — “pray without ceasing”.  Paul was aware of the circumstances that can cloud our reason for rejoicing. I mean, let’s be honest, he was continually run out of town, thrown in jail, beaten up, and yelled at. Yet he says to us, “give thanks in all circumstances.”  Really, Paul?  You’re locked in a jail, chained up, probably filthy and starving, and you are ‘giving thanks”?

I can only conclude that Paul was able to rejoice and give thanks because of the fact that he ‘prayed continually’.  In the middle of his circumstances, he acknowledged that God was God and he was not.  He knew that God was holding him in the palm of His hand. He lifted up his situation to God and then trusted that God would “work all things together for good”.

It’s hard to be thankful and rejoice when I feel like I have to solve all of life’s problems by kicking butts and taking names.  It’s much easier when I acknowledge that I don’t have control of the situation, but God does.  He loves me and has always done what is best for me. When I release my stuff up to Him, and offer Him thanks and praise,  I always end up rejoicing.

Ok, Paul, I admit it.  You’re right.

I know the plans I have for you

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

“plans to give you a future and a hope.”

Jeremiah 29:11

I’ve been sitting at my computer now for about an hour.  I keep getting distracted from my blog.  I made a hotel reservation for an upcoming trip.  I sent a few emails.  I printed a few documents. And I even started a job application.

Don’t worry, I quickly abandoned it when I realized how long it was!  I don’t think I’m ready yet!  That’s ok, it’s only October 13.  I have time, and God has a plan.  Right?  I am counting on it!

That doesn’t mean I am going to stay in my pajamas until January 1 expecting a phone call that will offer me a ridiculous amount of money to do exactly what I love.  Of course not!  Although my jammies are rather comfy, if I do say so myself.  I will apply for some jobs.  I may even complete an application today, but I’ve gotta work up to it.

God’s plan for me right now is to be doing exactly what I am doing.  I am resting.  I am processing.  I am feeling.  I am evaluating.  I am healing.  And it all takes time.

It’s pretty amazing to me that the whole time I was running around in St. Louis, working full-time plus, parenting, maintaining a large home, and barely keeping my head above the water line, God was planning for me to take this break.  He knew it was coming. I had no idea.  I just kept pushing.  Wash another load of laundry, grade another stack of papers, buy another cart of groceries, fill another prescription, cook another meal, make another appointment.  It was non-stop.  Until God said, “Stop.”

I never expected a break.  I longed for a shift, a different position, a lighter load, an emptier nest, but never in a million years, did I imagine six months of not working, just resting, just recovering, just contemplating.

But He knew.  He knew I needed time to do nothing.  Hours to read, to play Words with Friends, to sleep, to watch Law and Order (there, I finally outed myself), to try new recipes, to drink coffee and tea, to connect with old friends, to make new friends. I had no idea I needed this.  But He did.

It’s a bit overwhelming, to be honest.  The one who created the universe– the trees, the river, the deer, coffee, and every single person — noticed me running frantically about like the squirrels in the trees outside my window.  He saw me fussing and fretting and trying to order my world.  And, instead of just being entertained my my futile attempts, he stepped into my life and provided what I needed.

So, why would I worry that he doesn’t have the next phase planned, too? I have no idea.  For forty-eight years he has provided just what I needed at exactly the right time — friends, mentors, experiences, finances, food, shelter, clothing, spouse, children, employment, and even rest.  Why would He stop now?

Luke 12:6-7

Are not five sparrows sold for two cents?  Yet not one of them is forgotten before God.

…Do not fear, you are more valuable than many sparrows.

He is willing.

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

When he saw Jesus, he fell with his face to the ground and begged him,

“Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.”

“I am willing.”

Can you believe that?  Jesus, who is at once God and man, who could easily dismiss any one of us as insignificant or unimportant, was willing to make a man with leprosy clean.  A man with leprosy — the least of the undesirables. If I have the history right, lepers were required to walk around declaring, “Unclean, Unclean!” So, everyone around them cleared a path and stayed away.

Except Jesus.

Jesus, God in the flesh, did not clear a path.  He responded to the leper by healing him. Bam. Done.

Because He was willing.

Since I was diagnosed with autoimmune disease, a few people have told me that if I claimed healing, and believed, it would happen.  Do I believe God could heal me if he was willing? Yes. Bam. Done.

However, I have mentioned before that healing comes in a variety of packages.  My autoimmune disease, if that is indeed what it is, has healed me of trying to do everything myself. It has healed me of a desire to be perfect. It has healed me from moving at a break neck pace.  Could God have provided this healing in another way? Yes. Bam. Done.

But, from my perspective, He didn’t.  And, I’m not mad about it.  At all.  Yes, I woke up this morning feeling like I had bathed in Icy Hot.  Yes, it is a weird sensation.  It’s not painful, just weird.  Yes, my eyes have been irritated all day.  Yes, I have joint pain and fatigue.  But, at the same time, I have peace and joy that I have been missing for quite a while.  I am at peace with myself and with God.

Did you notice that the leper didn’t ask to be healed?  He asked to be ‘made clean’. The Bible mentions that we are ‘washed in the blood of the lamb’ and that we are made ‘whiter than snow’.  This cleansing, from Jesus,  makes us free to come near to God without having to yell, “Unclean, Unclean!”  He washed us before we asked Him.  Before we were asking, He was answering.

While I thought I was doing just fine, thank you very much, God ‘healed’ me.  It may not look like healing from the outside, but I know what I feel on the inside.  I have known for a long time that God is God and I am not.  I am going to trust Him that He knows what He is doing.

And, you know, if He wants to heal me again, He will.

Isaiah 65:24

Before they call, I will answer;

while they are still speaking, I will hear.