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Same struggle, different day

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

My calendar is pretty empty this week.  One tutoring session last night, Bible study tomorrow, and a trip to see the grand baby on Friday.   Not a lot for someone who used to have trouble finding time to meet a friend for coffee.  I should be happy, right?

I am, kind of.  But we always want what we don’t have.  Last year when I was working long days, single-parenting, and pondering a move, I longed for days like these when I could still be in my pajamas at 10:30 in the morning.  I dreamt of sipping tea and blogging with the dog at my feet.  And, ok, I am not hating this moment — my toes are tucked under his warm belly; I can feel it rise and fall. But, guess what I did first thing this morning — applied for two more jobs.

Don’t laugh.

Ok, laugh.

I have lost track of how many jobs I have applied for.  Did you know that I can see myself as an administrative assistant, a tutor, an academic advisor, a Bridge Program director, and an editor?  When I tell my husband about the positions I am applying for, he is very gracious.  He says things like, “You would love that position,” or, “I could see you doing that.”  But then, a few minutes later, he says something like, “You know, I am completely content with you not working.  You really need to pay attention to your health.  I think full-time is too much.”

I’ve got a winner, don’t I? He sees that I really want to be able to do some of the things that have fed me over the years, and he also sees my limitations.  Even when I don’t want to see them.

But, come on, maybe I really could still direct a program for provisionally admitted students at the University of Michigan.  I won’t know unless I try.  And maybe they won’t even call me anyway.  And if they call, I can at least go in for an interview, right?

I say all this as I sit in pajamas and a hoodie — the hood pulled over my head, wearing glasses because my eyes hurt too much today for contacts. But maybe if I had to get up and go to work I would feel better, right?

That’s the unanswered question.  So, I continue to ask it.  I continue to fill out job applications like that is my job. And I continue to tutor.

Last night I met with a high school freshman and his little sister, a seventh grader.  They are children of Indian heritage whose parents’ first language is not English.  They have high aspirations — big goals.  So together we worked through test prep and grammar games.  We struggled and laughed together.

I got home and was working on my puzzle when a different high school freshman, another son of Indian parents, messaged me in a panic.  The assignment we poured over on Saturday is all wrong.  It is 9:30pm. Is it too late to help him re-work it before his presentation tomorrow.  The messages went back and forth until midnight. Poor kid had himself all stressed out.  But the stakes, for him, are high.  He, too, has big goals.

If I’d had to get up this morning to go direct a program at the university, I would’ve been in bed by 8:00.  The kid would find someone else.  I would have other kids to interact with, too.  But right now, we have each other.

I know.  I see it.  You don’t have to tell me. My husband is not the only one who sees my need to do the things that feed me while also seeing my limitations.  He’s allowing me to interact with students and stay in pajamas until 10:30am (ok, it’s 11:00 now).

He’s answering my prayers and I am still submitting my requests.  It’s ok.  He gets me.  He understands that I am used to doing so much more.  He knows that it is hard for me to rest, hard for me to be still, hard to trust that He’s got our situation under control.

So, I’m sitting here blogging, and my husband sends me a text.  He’s sitting in chapel and hears 1 Samuel 2:2.  He says it’s a comfort to him this morning.

“There is none holy like the Lord; for there is none beside you;

there is no rock like our God.”

No one else understands my needs before I ask.  No one else knows the plans He has for me, plans to help me and not to harm me.  No one else is holding me in the palm of His hand.

Sigh.

Ok, no more job applications today.  I’m gonna go work on my puzzle.

Change is in the air

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

THE. SNOW. IS. MELTING!!!!

I am pretty excited about this.  Yesterday, my husband and I took our dog to the park to walk after a long winter hibernation.  We were not alone.  The paths were crowded with prisoners set free from the bondage of subzero temperatures.  We sprung the clock forward and were launched into spring, or so it seems.

My husband announced this morning, “I packed my winter coat away.”  I walked across campus in just jeans and a sweater.  The sun is shining and it looks like we’ll hit the high forties and low fifties most every day this week.  Yippee!

Spring is so hopeful.  I just know that under the thick crust of snow, some daffodils are waking up and thinking about breaking the surface of the soil.  As the dingy whiteness melts into the river, fresh green grass will sprout and blanket the yard outside our home. It’ll be fresh and new.

I could use a little ‘new’.  Could you?

Some friends and I are meeting once a week to talk about turning, repenting, resting, renewing, and re-setting. It’s a pretty Lutheran/Lenten thing to do, really.  We start with Ash Wednesday acknowledging that “dust we are and to dust we shall return.”  We enter the Lenten season contemplatively, acknowledging the truth about ourselves and admitting — “I’m getting it all wrong.” So, these friends and I are really opening ourselves up to one another and inviting one another to ask, “How can I turn from this? How can I rest in this? How can I be renewed? How can I re-set?”

I didn’t really give anything up for Lent, but the addition of this weekly community of confession — of agreeing with one another that we don’t have it all figured out — has provided a space for me to be ok with my insufficiencies, to openly admit that I am a work in progress.

Now that may not be revolutionary for you, but for me it’s a space that I haven’t always allowed myself. I have spent a lot of energy over the years thinking I was right, justifying my actions, and plowing over (or simply ignoring) those who didn’t agree with me.

I mean, as long as I’m confessing, why hold back, right?

Over the years in my classroom, I often taught my students that “anybody can change.”  This was one of my many “mini-sermons” I gave to teach life lessons.  I would give the “anybody can change” sermon when students were annoyed with coaches, other teachers, each other, or their parents.  I would say, if we expect that people will never change, we don’t allow them the space to make changes.  I sometimes cited as an example a former student who prided himself on being the class clown.  He disrupted almost every class he attended and found himself meeting with the Admissions Review Board on more than one occasion.  We would say, “You are a natural born leader.  Please, use that power for good!  Lead your peers positively, not negatively.” For four years, we encouraged this student to change.  For four years we believed he could.  Yet, as he walked across the stage at graduation, we were still witnessing the immature disruptive student.  Three years later, the student showed up at my classroom door — shirt and tie, freshly cropped, and somewhat sheepish looking.  He wanted to let me know that he had become the captain of the football team at his university and that he had made the dean’s list.  “You were right, Mrs. Rathje.”  Anybody can change.

Now, I usually tell that story to point out the fact that anybody can change, but also to show what an amazing teacher I am — see what an impact I had on that student!  But really, the object lesson is for me.

Anybody can change.  Anybody can turn.  Anybody can re-set.  Even me.

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.

The old has passed away; behold the new has come.

The Sweet Battalion Strikes Again

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

So, yesterday I was sitting around the table with the other members of the battalion (To meet the battalion, check out https://kristinsnextchapter.com/2015/01/14/my-sweet-battalion/).  We are one week short of finishing our study on The Sermon on the Mount.  In discussing the section on Ask, Seek, Knock (Matthew 7:7-8) the question arose, “If God does not need to be encouraged, convinced, or coerced, why might He not answer a request made only once?”

Right?  I mean, seriously, why can’t it be like a work-order system.  I log-on and enter all my requests in the system and God just answers them ‘in the order they were received’ or even ‘the order of most importance’.  I told Him about our financial issues.  I told Him about my health.  I told Him about my desire to work just a little bit more. So, He knows. He’ll get to it when He gets to it.

When I was teaching in St. Louis that was the system for getting things done.  Our building supervisor wanted everything submitted through the system.  He would clear it from the system when the issue was ‘resolved’.  Why can’t God work like that?  Why can’t I just wait for the email that says the problem has been ‘resolved’?

Well, let me tell you.  I really appreciated our building supervisor.  He did take care of issues that were entered into the system.  He was also gracious enough to come ’emergency style’ when there was a spill or some other urgent matter. He did not complain. He came, he saw, he fixed.  But I’ve got to be honest and tell you, that unless I had an issue, I didn’t really spend a lot of time talking to him.  Sorry, Bob.  I mean sometimes we ate lunch at the same table.  His kids were in my classes.  We went to the same staff functions.  But I think Bob would agree that he and I were not best friends.  I went to him when I had a specific need; he did his part to meet that need.

Is that the kind of relationship I want with God? Do I just want Him to respond to my needs?

One member of our battalion is Chinese.  We were having this discussion yesterday and she said that our conversation reminded her of a Chinese tale.  I will try my best to repeat what I heard.  She said there were three brothers who were all doctors.   The youngest of the brothers was the most famous doctor because he was known to cure patients who were near death.  Many patients who had no other options came to this youngest brother doctor and were healed.  His fame grew and grew.  So one time he was taken (to the emperor?  to the news station?  I can’t remember.) Anyway, someone asked him who of the three brothers was the best?  Certainly he was, right?  The youngest brother doctor said, “No.”  Certainly he had healed many people who were near death.  And the second oldest brother had also cured many illnesses.  But his oldest brother, he said, was the best because people came to him when they were still healthy, before they had a need, and he could tell them how to live in ways that would prevent illness and premature death.  He, the youngest brother said, was certainly the best doctor.

My sweet Chinese friend said, “When we follow God’s Word, we avoid the consequences.”

I really wasn’t going to go to Bible study yesterday.  I have been having a bad week.  I am emotionally drained, physically struggling, and not up to interacting with others.  But, it was my day to bring the fruit.  Sigh. So, I stopped at the store to buy fruit and grudgingly carried it into the little classroom where we meet.  We watched our video and discussed prayer, then as we closed, a woman across the table, who really doesn’t know the details of the internal storm that is raging in my head, offered prayer on my behalf.  A melting occurred inside of me and my body began to sob.

I hadn’t put in that work order.  But I have been going through my routine of Bible study and prayer for what I hope will one day amount to ten weeks (and then some).  And in this position of need — in this posture of dependence on the One who knows what I need before I ask, I received peace in the midst of this ugly storm.

That, I think, is why God doesn’t always answer a request made only once.  He knows that when we take this posture of dependence and need, He can meet us and heal us.  He can lead us around situations that may otherwise lead to dire consequences.

I want to take that posture. I want to be dependent in a way that requires moment by moment acknowledgement of the One who cares for me so much that He is carrying me around in the palm of His hand.

Isaiah 65:24

Before they call, I will answer;

while they are yet speaking I will hear.

In the storm

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

It happened again.  Just when I needed it to.

I’ve been living inside a bit of an internal storm — dealing with some decades-old issues inside of my head. This storm has had me tossing and turning at night and carrying excess stress and pain during the days.  In fact, for the first time since December, I am experiencing an auto-immune flare.  I am attributing all of the symptoms — pain, fatigue, and inflammation —  to this internal storm.  The mind and the body are interwoven.

Now, if you know me, or live near me, you may or may not be aware of the storm.  You may be able to see the cloudiness in my eyes, unless of course you see me at times when I have drawn the shutters.  You may have seen me trudging along in my boots with head bent against the assailing wind.  You may be able to see that I have boarded up some windows, and taken my defensive stance against this storm.

So this morning, jaw set and coat wrapped tightly around me, I obediently, but with suspicion, opened my Sermon on the Mount Bible study. Today’s Scripture:

Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.

Matthew 7:24-25

In my defensive stance, I said, “Yeah, yeah, rock…sand…storms…whatever.”

I prepared for my students this afternoon.  I vacuumed the carpet.  I responded to a few emails.  Then, I decided to work through the Whispers of Hope: 10 Weeks of Devotional Prayer study for today.  The Scripture for today:

For God alone my soul waits in silence; from Him comes my salvation.

He alone is my rock and my salvation; I shall not be greatly shaken…

my mighty rock, my refuge, is God

Psalm 62:1-2, 6

And that’s when it happened.  My defenses dropped.  I pulled back the blinds just a little…just enough to peek out and see the Rock sitting under my house.  The freezing rain and forceful winds were doing their best, but the Rock remained immovable.  Unshakable.  And for just that moment, I breathed in and out.  My muscles relaxed just a bit.  I loosened my coat, took off my hat, and noticed that my Rock is holding me in the palm of His hand.

I’m going to sit in this moment for a bit.  Let the storm blow.  I will not be greatly shaken.

Adjusting the Routine

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

I haven’t been finding time to get to my blog.  Remember back in the old days when I wrote every day? When I rolled out of bed each morning, brewed myself a cup of tea, did my Bible study, then blogged?  If you can believe it, those days seem like a distant memory.  And yet, I have only been in the house by the river for seven months.

I remember my husband saying, when I had only been here for a month or so, that routines are a great way to acclimate during a transition.  I clung to my routines!  And, you know, even though life has transitioned again a bit, I have clung to many of those routines.

I still have my parade of beverages most mornings. Back in December, I did the Ultra-Simple diet, which I can now tell you started a period of time where I was almost symptom-free.  The Ultra-Simple diet included starting the day with the juice of half a lemon in hot water, a cup of green tea, and a smoothie.  I still drink all three most mornings.  In fact, I’m drinking them right now.

I still make it to the gym or do Pilates at home most days.  One of the things I have learned about auto-immune disease is that movement is crucial to well-being.  I spend a lot of time every week tending to my body.  Back when I was in middle school,  high school, and even college, I spent hours in front of the mirror trying to get my face and my hair just right. My main goal then was to look good.  Last night I spent a hour at hot yoga stretching my muscles. My main goal right now is to feel good.

I still do my Bible study more days than not.  In fact, this morning I noticed I only had two more blank pages in the Sermon on the Mount study.  My anxiety rose just a little bit because I don’t know what the battalion will choose to study next, but then I remembered that I am still working through the other book on ten weeks of prayer — it is taking me much longer than ten weeks.  My Bible study centers me, reminds me what is important, and begins my day with truth.

I still meet with my battalion once a week — my group of ladies that come through rain, snow, sleet, and hail every Wednesday morning to spend two hours studying God’s word.  These women are at the heart of my Ann Arbor community.

My routine has been a comfort.  Especially in the midst of change.

What change?  I am working more.  On average I tutor half a dozen students every week.  I may have to start blogging about my students — they are amazing.  I have a sixth grade girl who continues to amaze me as we work through vocabulary, literary terms, grammar, and analysis.  I have a 40-something RN who is studying to become a nurse practitioner; she struggles with academic language, but not with learning. I tell her something once and she has it.  I have two high school freshmen — one girl who would rather eat than study and one boy who would rather study than eat. I have twin sisters whose similarities end in their appearance- — everything else about them is different.  I have a single mom who never graduated from high school and is now enrolled in community college and working on a degree in criminal justice.  I meet them in their homes, in libraries, and in Starbucks.  I read their writing online and respond via email, Googledocs, and Microsoft Word.  This is taking a chunk of my time, but perhaps you can tell that I love every minute of it.

So, with every change comes an ex-change. Sadly, the one exchange I have noticed is that I am not finding as much time to blog.  However, I am gathering lots of material.  So, more blog posts will be coming. All in due time.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.

Beloved, let us love one another

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

This morning I read a blog written by a former student.  She re-posted a blog she had written while attending the high school where I taught.  She had come out as gay while attending this small Christian high school.  She decided during her senior year to document every homophobic remark she heard while at school.  She graduated three years ago.  I had no idea this blog existed until this morning.  I am not shocked by what I read, but I am deeply saddened.

How can it be that in a Christian high school, a brilliant and kind young woman would have to endure hateful language on average six times each day for a total of 929 homophobic comments during her senior year?  Lest I disparage the reputation of the school that I taught at and loved for nine years, let me say that this type of behavior is not uncommon in Christian circles.

How can we who have been shown so much love, who have accepted so much forgiveness and grace, turn and treat our neighbors with such cruelty and hatred?  Isn’t that the behavior of those who have no hope?

Now, I am writing today neither to condone nor condemn homosexuality.

I am writing because I am troubled by the cruelty I see among God’s people.  We shake our fists at ISIS and their beheading of Christians in the Middle East while watching each other treat people right here in our neighborhoods with derision.  I am not innocent.  I have at times been homophobic. And racist. And agist. And sexist. And condemning toward anyone who is ‘other’ than me. I have been ignorant.  And insensitive. And judgmental. We all have.  If we think we haven’t, we are kidding ourselves.

Some of us judge those who are poor.  Some of us hate those who have too much money, too much privilege. Some of us are prejudiced toward people who are too fat.  Or too skinny.  Or too white.  Or too black.

We position ourselves in opposition to one another instead of coming alongside one another.  We keep one another at arm’s length assuming our views are right, maybe afraid that we might be proven wrong. And in creating this distance we rob ourselves of the opportunity for conversation, community, and growth.

In the name of Christianity?  Is that what Christ modeled for us?  Can you point out a time that He called someone a derogatory name? Or made someone feel inferior? Or refused to have a conversation, even when people were attacking him, or crucifying him?

No. You can’t.  Because He ate with tax collectors.  He forgave prostitutes.  He touched and healed lepers. He endured insult without retaliation. He spoke truth when He was spat upon.

How could he do that? Because He knew who He was. He was not threatened.  He was love.

We can do it, too.  If we remember whose we are. We are not in danger.  We are loved.

Anybody can be rude and hateful.  Only those who have been shown unconditional love can give it.

I John 4:7-8

Beloved, let us love one another.

For love is of God and everyone that loves is born of God and knows God.

He that loves not, knows not God.

Prayer

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Back in November I picked up a little book from the library : Whispers of Hope: 10 Weeks of Devotional Prayer.  I just checked the calendar and realized that I have been trying to get through it for 14 weeks!  Today I read day fifty-five of seventy. Now lest you worry that I have overdue fines by now, I did actually purchase the book a couple of weeks in.  I have found that it is a nice complement to my regular Bible study.  In fact, I have noted in this blog a few instances when the messages of my Bible study and my prayer guide have overlapped.  Some people call that coincidence.  I call it divine orchestration.

Clearly I am not very diligent in using this prayer guide every day, but apparently God can work with my timing.  This morning, in my regular Bible study on the Sermon on the Mount, we focused on the portion of Scripture that urges us to “Ask, … Seek, … Knock…”  Clearly this is about prayer.

Let’s back up a minute and remind ourselves that for a while I was, as I say, “not on speaking terms” with God. (See https://kristinsnextchapter.com/2014/09/13/coming-out-of-the-desert/).  I believed that God was distant; I had no interest in bringing my personal cries and requests to Him.  However, since I began this Next Chapter, I have been trying to do things differently.

I’ve blogged about my change in exercise and nutrition.  I’ve written about my new pace.  And, I think I’m at a point where I can write a bit about prayer. I’ve got a long way to go, but I believe I can say that God and I are speaking again. It may be awkward at times and not as regular as it may be one day, but we are in conversation.

Probably the greatest hindrance to my prayer life is my need to be strong and in control.  I’m a take-charge type of girl.  I see what needs to be done and I do it. It is very difficult for me to admit that I need help.  Prayer is all about admitting that I am powerless and needy.  He is God and I am not.

In fact, the very postures that people around the world use for prayer are an acknowledgement of being in the presence of power.  In prayer we bow, we kneel, we lie face down. We praise God for His greatness while acknowledging our limitations.  In this posture of humility there is no escaping the raw truth — I need God.

For a while, I was perhaps a bit afraid to admit that truth.  But instead of acknowledging the fact that I was afraid, I was, as I’ve often described, soldiering through the difficulties of life, bandaging wounds, putting on tourniquets, and trying to resuscitate the wounded.  My life was in crisis!  I didn’t have time to admit that I was incapable of handling it! I had work to do!

I’ve described over and again where that soldiering left me — wounded, exhausted, and in desperate need of leave.

So, lest I jump back into battle and start to handle things in ways I always have in the past, I keep reviewing the lessons I have learned through this grace period.

So my nugget for today:  Great freedom and relief come from setting down my weapons, taking off my combat gear, lying face down and crying out in helplessness to the One who can actually help me. That being said, in order to experience that freedom, I have to be willing to take a risk — to trust that He really does have me, that He really does love me, that He really won’t let me down, that He really is the God of the universe.   He won’t let my world fall to pieces if I place it in His hands.  In fact, and we’ve been over this, it is already in His hands.

So, here’s the plan.  I destroyed the weapons. I burned the gear.  I’m turning away from my own resources which are pathetic at best.  I am turning to the Creator and Owner of all things, my Father, who indeed does have me, does love me, and is the God of the universe.  He certainly won’t let me down.

Psalm 102: 1

Hear my prayer, O Lord; let me cry come to you.

all things

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

This week God has answered SO. MANY. PRAYERS.  I really can’t tell you about any of them, but trust me when I say He has been coming through BIG TIME!

So why am I sitting here on a Friday afternoon in a grumpy old funk?  Because I’m letting some ‘things of this earth’ cloud my view of my ‘treasures in heaven’.  It is really that simple.  Yet I can’t shake it.

And, truly, I’ve even been blessed this week by some of the ‘things of this earth’.  I am well-fed.  I’ve made it to the gym three times. I have worked with a half dozen students.  My husband made it across the state and back in the middle of this treacherous winter.  Our car continues to start even when the temperature is well below zero.

In fact, there are really just a couple little ‘things’ that are bumming me out.  Our tax man called to tell us the opposite of what I hoped he was going to tell us. (I’m telling you, God really wants me to learn this trust lesson right now.) And, we had to cancel a trip to see the grand baby because of a winter storm warning.  In the grand scheme of life, these are small potatoes.  I can’t tell you how many financial crises we have survived through the grace of God.  I can’t tell you how many trips to see family or friends we have had to postpone due to weather.  These things, too, shall pass.  So why am I letting them cloud the joy of all the answered prayers I have personally witnessed this week?

Because I am a selfish human being.  I want things all figured out.  I want what I expect.  I don’t like change.  I am still learning to be still and know that He is God and I am not.  I am such a slow learner.  Funny, I know.  The teacher struggles to learn.

Here’s what I am going to do.  I am going to give myself exactly sixty minutes to wallow in disappointment and self-pity.  I am going to feel totally horrible about the fact that we have to pay more money to the IRS.  I am going to mourn the fact that I am not going to get to hold ten pounds of sweet-smelling perfection this evening. Then, I am going to pick myself up, dust myself off, and fully celebrate.

Because I have so much to celebrate!  I have a team of friends that has been praying with me over a situation for about two weeks.  The strength of that team has bolstered me when I have felt like sagging and flagging and dragging.  They have asked, sought, and knocked with me.  They have been relentless.  Not only that, my favorite person in the world, my husband, has been walking with me hand-in-hand through the ‘all things’ of life.  He has been my confidante, my teammate, my partner, my encourager.  And most important of all, the Creator and Owner of all things, the Great Teacher, the Father of all, and the Commander of the Weather has promised to “work all things together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8: 28).

Can I trust that right now?  Can I trust that a tax bill and a cancelled trip can be knit into God’s plan for good for me and those that I love?  Why not? He has worked much greater and much lesser things into goodness in my life.  Why, oh why,  would He stop now?

Ok, maybe I won’t need the full sixty minutes.

Psalm 28:7

The Lord is my strength and my shield; in Him my heart trusts, and I am helped;

my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to Him.

Times of refreshing

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

When I started my car this morning, the display on my dashboard said it was -5 degrees Fahrenheit outside.  Poor Suzy the Cruz-e chugged into action despite the frigidity. I let her get her bearings while I took Chester outside for his morning ritual.  He did what was needed and then gladly went back into the house. Grabbing my bag, I rejoined Suzy for the short drive to the gym.

At 8:00 am, the parking lot was less than half-filled.  With most of the area schools closed this morning, many likely chose to stay at home and not force their cars (or their bodies) into action.  But I hadn’t been to the gym in a few days, and I was feeling the need to move a little bit.

I climbed aboard the elliptical machine, plugged in my headphones, and listened to the Today Show.  The gym seemed a little warm to me, maybe to overcompensate for the -25 windchill outside.  I had to keep pushing myself through the 30 minute workout because I was fighting nausea.

I did finish the thirty minutes, then did a little bit of work on the weight machines.  Still fighting nausea, I went to the locker room and changed into my swimsuit.  It’s always a bit of an internal dialogue to switch out of sweaty clothes into a swimsuit.

“Come on, you know you will feel better if you get in the pool for a little while.”

“But it’s such a struggle to undress and dress.”

“Stop whining.  The water will be worth it.”

“I could just shower — that’s water.”

“Put on your swimsuit.”

“Fine.”

Once the swimsuit was on, I took the mandatory pre-swim shower then headed to the pool.  The larger pool, which is around 80 degrees, was filling up with women in preparation for a water aerobics class.  But my destination, the 92 degree salt water therapy pool, had just one person in it.  I walked down the steps into the soothing water and was overwhelmed by the amount of sunlight in the room.  One whole wall of the pool area is glass.  It’s an easterly facing wall, so the sun, as it rose, was pouring through the glass.  I sunk into the water, lifted my face to the sun, and leaked an audible, “Ahhhhhh….”

For those moments that I was floating, walking laps, and stretching in the therapy pool, I totally forgot how cold it was outside.  With the sun beaming in, and the warm water soothing my joints, I could have believed I was swimming outside in the summertime.

I didn’t stop there.  I moved from the therapy pool to the jacuzzi and soaked for a little longer. Then, I showered again, got dressed, and headed home to start my day.

It didn’t sound like a great idea to climb out of bed and go out into the freezing weather this morning.  I didn’t really want to stand outside to let the dog take care of his business.  I didn’t love doing thirty minutes of aerobic exercise.  Or lifting weights.  Or changing into my swimsuit.

But I loved sinking down into the water. The warm, soothing water.  The healing, restoring water.

A lot of life is going out into the cold, waiting for a dog to relieve himself, and trudging away on an elliptical machine when you think you might actually throw up.  But every once in a while, more often than I am sometimes willing to admit, we get to sink down into some warm, soothing water with sun shining on our faces.  I don’t want to live for those moments, because a lot of good comes from the tough stuff of life.  But, when I get an opportunity to sit in a jacuzzi, I want to drink it in, soak it up, and be restored.

These are the “times of refreshing [that] come from the presence of the Lord” (Acts 3:19).

Isaiah 30:15

In repentance and rest is your salvation; in quietness and trust is your strength.

Intensive Coursework

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes I feel like I am taking an advanced course — like the three-weeks-in-the-summer-six-hours-a-day course that earns you three credits.   One summer in college, I took a course called ‘Teaching the Christian Faith’.  After sitting in class all day, I would go home and work all night to prepare for the next class.  During those three weeks I felt like I was eating, breathing, and sleeping with ‘Teaching the Christian Faith’. I think I remember making my friends sit around one evening while I gave them an object lesson — something about preferring an old sweatshirt to a new clean garment — so that I could practice before I stood in front of the whole class.

I am forty-eight years old and I am no longer enrolled in college, but, guys, I am taking one of those courses right now. The course seems to have started about the time I started writing this blog, and it seems to have several course objectives.  And, apparently I am not mastering these objectives very quickly.

If I were the teacher, this is how I would state the objectives:

I will acknowledge that God is God and I am not. 

I will learn how to be still and know that He is God. 

I will trust God for His provision. 

I will wait for God to establish the work of my hands. 

I will understand that I am sitting in the palm of His hand. 

I know these are the objectives, because they are the themes that come up repeatedly in my blogging.  And, if you haven’t figured it out by now, blogging — actually all writing — is, for me, a way of processing thoughts, issues of faith, and emotions.

But these objectives show up outside of my writing, too. Yesterday in church, our pastor said “We need to acknowledge that God is God and we are not.”  He also said, and had as one of the points in his outline, “Be still.  Now.”  I can’t make this stuff up.

I also get everyday practical exercises to ensure that I will master this content:

  • Bills that seem too large to pay — Trust God for His provision.
  • An interview that resulted in, “we’re going in another direction” — God will establish the work of my hands.
  • Life circumstances that seem overwhelming — Be still and know that He is God. 

My last blog was about money.  The numbers aren’t all adding up on paper. (My husband reminded me over the weekend that they never have.) So, I have been trying my old MO — need money? work more! I went to an interview on Friday for a proofreading position — full time (and some overtime) for March through July or August. While I was contemplating this position, I was working out in my mind how I could keep my tutoring and proofreading clients.  I mean, how hard can it be?  I’m sure I can do it!

I was discussing all this with one of my daughters, who not too long ago observed me lying in bed for several hours a day. She remarked, “That sounds like a lot.”  I responded, “I think I can manage.”  So, I went to the interview which involved two hours of proofreading a biology lab manual.  As I was marking misspellings and font shifts, I was thinking, “I could do this 40-50 hours a week.  That would solve some of our money issues.”

When I am at the front of a classroom and a student gives me a wrong answer after weeks and weeks of instruction, I have been known to make a buzzer noise and ask the ‘next contestant’ if he has the correct answer. I mean, come on, we have been over this and over this.

On Friday, I confidently turned in my proofreading ‘test’ and walked out the front door of the publishing house, thinking to myself, “Yup, I will be working here very soon.”  But before I even got home the buzzer sounded. “Wrong answer!”  I had a message from the publishing house that said that had chosen a ‘different candidate’.  What?  I thought you were hiring several.  I thought you were building a pool of freelancers that you could call in for special projects? I was going to solve all of our problems.

Buzzzzzzzzzzzz!  Wrong answer!

This morning I open my Bible study.  (Are you tired of reading those words yet?) Here is the text; I am not kidding.

Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you of not more value than they?  Which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? … But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you. 

Sometimes when my students don’t get an objective, I present the material over and over — in multiple packages — praying, hoping that I will find just the right combination of direct instruction, practice, and external reinforcement to make it stick.

The Master Teacher is skilled in multi-modal instruction.  He is aware of my special learning needs.  He does not grow weary or frustrated when I continually go back to my old ways, even after weeks and weeks of instruction.  He just prepares another lesson for me, knowing that eventually, I will “know fully, even as I have been fully known.”

Until then, I will be taking this class.