Category: attitude

“Oops!… I Did It Again”*

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Part of the work of the next few months is a re-setting of my mind because of the re-setting that has happened in my body.  For most of my adult life I have gone until I can’t go ‘no more’.  Then I collapse, and get up the next day and start over.  That isn’t going to work any more.

My experience with my new body (I will refrain from speaking for all people with autoimmune disease) is that I have to be preventative.  I eat certain foods so that I won’t have a flare.  I take certain vitamins and supplements so that my body will respond better to stress.  I do Pilates to help my body maintain flexibility.  I rest midday so that I can go out for dinner later.  I have to anticipate the effects of my actions on my body.

But I get amnesia.

I had a pretty lousy flare in April/May.  This isn’t too surprising since I was preparing for a move, finishing a school year, anticipating one daughter’s high school graduation and the other daughter’s college graduation, saying goodbye to many friends, etc.  Stressors incite flares.  Life, even ordinary life, is stressful.  April and May were a bit over the top.

June and July were lovely.  I was at home, on my own pace, packing a box or two a day, resting at various times throughout the day, eating well, exercising well, reading, doing puzzles, and seeing friends.

So I forgot what happens when I do too much.

I think I wanted to believe that it wouldn’t happen again.  I mean, we were in the physical process of moving for about ten days and I felt fine.  When I got tired, I took a little break.  On the actual move day, I had to take a few more breaks than usual, but still, no flare.

Ten days in Ann Arbor, unpacking, socializing, running errands, taking breaks, exercising, and I was feeling just fine.  In fact, so fine, that I felt like the old me!

So, on Wednesday, when I went out for my walk with Chester, I actually ran a bit.   I haven’t run in quite a while.  And it felt great.  I was cautious.  But, I ran.  

Then on Thursday, I woke up, wrote my blog, drank my tea, and then pretended I was the old me for about two hours — cleaned and vacuumed out the car, washed three windows inside and out, vacuumed our little house front to back, and Swiffered the kitchen and dining room.

And then it happened.

It wasn’t like my batteries wore down or something.  It was like someone unplugged me.  I hit the bed and knew I had gone too far.  It wasn’t even noon.

We had a guest arriving at 1.  My husband wanted me to meet some staff members at 4:30.  And a new friend was coming in the evening to learn the ropes of Chester-sitting so that we can go on a trip this weekend.

Yes, you read that right.  We are going on a trip this weekend.  Our oldest is getting his MBA tomorrow in Cincinnati and we are moving our daughter from Chicago to Ann Arbor on Sunday.

And I’m unplugged.

When I woke this morning, I discovered that my reserve battery had charged a little in my sleep, so I tidied the guest room for the overnight guest who is coming on Sunday. (Are you hearing all this?) And re-made the bed for our friend who is staying with Chester.

I’m not getting it, am I?

Do I really need another smack-down in order to learn how to pace myself and take breaks?  Why is it that doing is so satisfying to me?  Why am I not content with being? 

I believe I have received grace this morning, because I don’t feel as poorly as I did last evening.  So, I am going to slow down, acknowledge that God is God and I am not.  Do a little Pilates.  Breathe.  Put my feet up.  Read.  Drink my kale-berry-banana-flax smoothie.  And try, really try, to be still. 

Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. Psalm 46:10.

 

 

 

 

*Spears, Brittney.  “Oops!… I Did It Again.” Oops!…I Did It Again. Jive, 2000.

(This citation is for my former students who know that you have to give credit where credit is due.)

 

 

 

 

 

Judge not, lest…

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

Let me just get it right out there and say that I have been a judgmental know-it-all most of my life.  I think I am always right. Always have.  And my face, if not my mouth, lets everyone around me know exactly what I am thinking.

Yes, yes, I have read the Bible, including, Proverbs 16:18, “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” I have even quoted it to other people who I know are being prideful.  You know, know-it-alls.

It is difficult when I realize that this verse applies to me.

Oh, yeah, the fall is ugly.  I have learned many hard lessons over the years.  I’ve already established that I am about as stubborn as they come.   So, sometimes I need an object lesson, and sometimes it has to involve me directly.

For instance, I used to think I knew everything about parenting and that all children could be controlled with the right kind of discipline and structure.  Enter my three genetic progeny, who have wiring similar to mine, and cue the smack-down.  Yeah, that re-teaching was pretty painful.

I used to think people with ‘fibromyalgia’, ‘RA’, and all those other ‘invisible diseases’ were just lazy people looking for excuses to stay home and get disability and sympathy.  (I told you I was a judgmental know-it-all.)  Watching a good friend get RA almost cured me of my judgmental attitude, but living with PsA myself?  Yeah, I’m over judging others’ experience of health and/or pain.

I used to think college was the only path for everyone.  Well, hundreds of students, family members, and my own children have shown me that God uses multiple paths to get people where he wants them, and that I should just get my lofty degree-carrying nose out of the clouds.

I used to see things as black or white.  Right or wrong. Godly or ungodly.  I have realized that God is way more complex than that.  Of course there are absolutes, like God is God, and I am not.  I think I will stick with that one.  He knows it all.  I only know what he allows me to know.

He teaches me stuff through difficult life lessons, but sometimes, when I am not being such a know-it-all, I actually read His Word and find little gems like this from Proverbs 11:2, “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.”

Ah yes, grasshopper, wisdom.

So, I have been learning, and I am sure I will continue to learn, to be humble.  I have said to myself, and to others, when I feel like judging someone, “I have no idea what their experience is.”  I don’t know what put a homeless man on the street or what causes him to beg for money.  I don’t know why that girl has seventeen piercings and is covered in tattoos; I don’t know her experience.  I don’t know why that man wore bike shorts to church (it’s true, he did, and he went to communion, too), but I am going to choose to not judge him, although I think I kind of just did, didn’t I?

I am a work in progress.  I am still learning not to judge.  Judging doesn’t bring us closer to people.  It separates us.  Love draws us closer.  Listening draws us closer.  Learning draws us closer.  Closer is nice.

Expect the Unexpected, chapter 2

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

It’s funny, isn’t it?  The way that our expectations of how something will be shape our attitude in the now.  Yesterday morning I was in a funk because of what I thought the day would be, but it turned out nothing at all how I thought it would.  

The phone call about college finances was uneventful, and actually, by day’s end, we discovered that the situation, which was very manageable to begin with, was actually even better than we thought. Why I ever worry about money after all the ways we have been provided for over the years, I will never know. 

The shopping that I thought was going to consume my day turned into a thirteen dollar purchase at a local grocery store, an online backpack purchase, and two Starbucks drinks. 

The doctor’s appointment was potentially stressful, since my Google calendar converted the 1:00pm appointment time to 2:00pm when I moved to the Eastern time zone.  But, even though I arrived at 1:40, they checked me in and I was seen by a corneal specialist who, two and a half hours later, determined that my eyes look great. 

I got to leisurely cook a fabulous chicken curry dinner and enjoy it in the dining room with my husband and my daughter.  I finished my day reading fiction, that I chose, and that I can finish or not, whatever I decide. 

Yesterday was, by all counts, a pretty great day, in spite of my grumbling. 

So, ok, ok.  I am trying to learn this lesson.  “Be Still, little girl, uncross your arms and unwrinkle your brow.  I have got this.  I am God.  I have never left you or forsaken you.  I’ve actually carried you in the palm of my hand for 48 years. So, sit back, calm down, trust me.  I have got you.” ( Bible, Rathje Revised Version.)

So today’s plan is to just sit in His hand, internally being still, while I watch and see what He does.  You in? 

 

 

I am just a human, being, revisit

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

This post, written in July 2014 at the beginning of my quest to do less and be more, seems appropriate even in July 2019, at the end of a weekend where I hung out with my granddaughters, simply being.

Many have pointed out the irony of being called ‘human beings’ in a culture that is so focused on ‘doing’. We often find our worth, meaning, and identity through what we do. Strangers, upon meeting, ask one another, “so what do you do?”  The child comes home from school, and the parent asks, “what did you do today?”  The husband says to the wife, “what have you been doing?” It’s fine if what you did was close a million-dollar deal, get an A on a paper, or promote world peace, but not so great if what you did was file for bankruptcy, get in a fight with a friend, or simply change diapers all day. When we form our identity or measure our worth based on what we do, we may end up struggling with perfectionism, workaholism, and, in the absence of peak-performance, depression.

I must admit from the start, that in the world of doing, I have been an over-achiever. I stood at the starting line of adulthood declaring that I was going to win. I was the mom who, while holding a full-time teaching position, trained for and ran a half-marathon, baked cinnamon rolls and tortillas from scratch, clipped coupons, and made all my children’s clothes (just kidding on that last one). You get the point. I have got doing down. To a fault.

I often do when I don’t want to feel, or when I need to be in control, or when I am angry or afraid.  It is my way of avoiding the interior me — the human being.  

So when my health began to shift and I suddenly found myself unable to do all the things I like to do and started to be, it was pretty ugly. I began to be angry, and scared, and depressed, and worried, and sad, and bored. I didn’t like to be with me. I was downright whiny — and this momma has never done whiny!

My strategy to cope with this was, of course, to do something!  While I was struggling to manage all the responsibilities of my full-time-plus position as a teacher and administrator of a high school, I spent evenings and weekends applying for all kinds of jobs where I could do less! After about six months doing that, I got an interview and an offer to do, shockingly, more!  And then,….and then….a solution was provided! I didn’t have to do anything!  My husband was offered a position that relocated us to a new environment and provided me with some time to just be. And here we are.

Being.

A long time ago, a huge group of people was following Jesus around, so he walked up the side of a mountain and started speaking to them. He said, “You are the salt of the earth….you are the light of the world.”  He didn’t say “Be the salt of the earth.” Or, “be the light of the world.”  He said “you are“. The word ‘are’ is the present tense plural form of ‘be’.  We are already the salt of the earth and the light of the world. Our identify is not dependent on what we do. Our identity is firmly planted in Christ. We are His.

I enter this time of rest and be-ing chanting this mantra, “I am His. I am a human, being His.”

I will pray that you find some space to just be today, too.

Epilogue: Five years later, I’m still trying to find the balance between being and doing. I’m discovering in many areas of life that balance is not about choosing one option (i.e. being) over another (i.e. doing) but about finding ways to live in the tension of the existence of both. Our identity is based on who we are in Christ, and He calls us to do — to live our life — out of that truth. We can do great things because of who He has made us to be, which is really not as easy as it sounds, especially in a culture that values accomplishment and status. We can easily forget that the most important is already done; we quickly fall back into patterns of trying to do more to earn position, identity, or status. However, when we realize that our identity is based on who we are in Christ, we can freely do without the added pressure of earning our worth.

As I watched our granddaughters this weekend, I loved them every minute — when they were charming, when they were naughty, when they were sleeping, and when they were showing off. My love for them was not based on what they were doing; I am simply in love with their beings. As they grow, others may not be so kind, but the One who made them — and us — will love them through all the things that they do, while they learn who He has made them to be.

The same is true for you and me.

Be kind and compassionate to one another.”

Ephesians 4:32