In the storm

It happened again.  Just when I needed it to.

I’ve been living inside a bit of an internal storm — dealing with some decades-old issues inside of my head. This storm has had me tossing and turning at night and carrying excess stress and pain during the days.  In fact, for the first time since December, I am experiencing an auto-immune flare.  I am attributing all of the symptoms — pain, fatigue, and inflammation —  to this internal storm.  The mind and the body are interwoven.

Now, if you know me, or live near me, you may or may not be aware of the storm.  You may be able to see the cloudiness in my eyes, unless of course you see me at times when I have drawn the shutters.  You may have seen me trudging along in my boots with head bent against the assailing wind.  You may be able to see that I have boarded up some windows, and taken my defensive stance against this storm.

So this morning, jaw set and coat wrapped tightly around me, I obediently, but with suspicion, opened my Sermon on the Mount Bible study. Today’s Scripture:

Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.

Matthew 7:24-25

In my defensive stance, I said, “Yeah, yeah, rock…sand…storms…whatever.”

I prepared for my students this afternoon.  I vacuumed the carpet.  I responded to a few emails.  Then, I decided to work through the Whispers of Hope: 10 Weeks of Devotional Prayer study for today.  The Scripture for today:

For God alone my soul waits in silence; from Him comes my salvation.

He alone is my rock and my salvation; I shall not be greatly shaken…

my mighty rock, my refuge, is God

Psalm 62:1-2, 6

And that’s when it happened.  My defenses dropped.  I pulled back the blinds just a little…just enough to peek out and see the Rock sitting under my house.  The freezing rain and forceful winds were doing their best, but the Rock remained immovable.  Unshakable.  And for just that moment, I breathed in and out.  My muscles relaxed just a bit.  I loosened my coat, took off my hat, and noticed that my Rock is holding me in the palm of His hand.

I’m going to sit in this moment for a bit.  Let the storm blow.  I will not be greatly shaken.

Adjusting the Routine

I haven’t been finding time to get to my blog.  Remember back in the old days when I wrote every day? When I rolled out of bed each morning, brewed myself a cup of tea, did my Bible study, then blogged?  If you can believe it, those days seem like a distant memory.  And yet, I have only been in the house by the river for seven months.

I remember my husband saying, when I had only been here for a month or so, that routines are a great way to acclimate during a transition.  I clung to my routines!  And, you know, even though life has transitioned again a bit, I have clung to many of those routines.

I still have my parade of beverages most mornings. Back in December, I did the Ultra-Simple diet, which I can now tell you started a period of time where I was almost symptom-free.  The Ultra-Simple diet included starting the day with the juice of half a lemon in hot water, a cup of green tea, and a smoothie.  I still drink all three most mornings.  In fact, I’m drinking them right now.

I still make it to the gym or do Pilates at home most days.  One of the things I have learned about auto-immune disease is that movement is crucial to well-being.  I spend a lot of time every week tending to my body.  Back when I was in middle school,  high school, and even college, I spent hours in front of the mirror trying to get my face and my hair just right. My main goal then was to look good.  Last night I spent a hour at hot yoga stretching my muscles. My main goal right now is to feel good.

I still do my Bible study more days than not.  In fact, this morning I noticed I only had two more blank pages in the Sermon on the Mount study.  My anxiety rose just a little bit because I don’t know what the battalion will choose to study next, but then I remembered that I am still working through the other book on ten weeks of prayer — it is taking me much longer than ten weeks.  My Bible study centers me, reminds me what is important, and begins my day with truth.

I still meet with my battalion once a week — my group of ladies that come through rain, snow, sleet, and hail every Wednesday morning to spend two hours studying God’s word.  These women are at the heart of my Ann Arbor community.

My routine has been a comfort.  Especially in the midst of change.

What change?  I am working more.  On average I tutor half a dozen students every week.  I may have to start blogging about my students — they are amazing.  I have a sixth grade girl who continues to amaze me as we work through vocabulary, literary terms, grammar, and analysis.  I have a 40-something RN who is studying to become a nurse practitioner; she struggles with academic language, but not with learning. I tell her something once and she has it.  I have two high school freshmen — one girl who would rather eat than study and one boy who would rather study than eat. I have twin sisters whose similarities end in their appearance- — everything else about them is different.  I have a single mom who never graduated from high school and is now enrolled in community college and working on a degree in criminal justice.  I meet them in their homes, in libraries, and in Starbucks.  I read their writing online and respond via email, Googledocs, and Microsoft Word.  This is taking a chunk of my time, but perhaps you can tell that I love every minute of it.

So, with every change comes an ex-change. Sadly, the one exchange I have noticed is that I am not finding as much time to blog.  However, I am gathering lots of material.  So, more blog posts will be coming. All in due time.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.