Tag: rest

Saved from our distress

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Psalm 107:10ff

Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness, prisoners in iron chains

because they rebelled against God’s commands

and despised the plans of the Most High

That sounds serious, doesn’t it?  Certainly no Christian would rebel against God’s commands or despise the plans of the most high.  Come on, after all that God has done for us, would we go against His will?  Probably only out of ignorance, right?  We wouldn’t willfully rebel….

Would we?

I have lost track of how many times I have used this blog as a confessional.  I think what started as a chronicle of my journey after teaching in St. Louis has become an expose’ of my internal life.  I wasn’t planning on that.

But, as I have mentioned, I am a little obsessed with telling the truth…whether or not you, or I, want to hear it.

So, you know that book on prayer that I picked up at the library?  Whispers of Hope: 10 Weeks of Devotional Prayer?  Yeah, well, I think it was written with me in mind.  It was copyrighted in 2013, before I knew that I would be moving to Michigan, before I knew I would be leaving my job, before I knew that I would be given this grace period.  Yet, it seems that each day the message is specifically for me, designed to call me back from whatever it was that I thought I was accomplishing in my soldiering years.

I knew better.  I knew that what I really needed was daily time in God’s Word, daily prayer, regular support from friends, but I chose, over and over again, to ignore those facts and keep soldiering on by my own strength. And I found out I am pretty strong, but not strong enough.

Nobody is, really.  We were designed by a Creator who wants to continue to help us, who wants relationship with us, who doesn’t want us to go it alone.  He’ll let us give it a try, yet He won’t leave our side while we are trying.  Even more, miraculously, graciously, He will be ready to talk even before we are ready.  He will be placing things in the path that direct us back to Him.  But, you know, sometimes we want to sit in the darkness, in chains, because we’re being willful.  And stubborn.

And, even then, He pursues us.  Psalm 107 says that He sometimes “subjects [us] to bitter labor”, or maybe lets us get utterly exhausted in all our striving and soldiering.   We “stumble, and there [is] no one to help.”  So, finally, (sheesh), we “cry to the Lord in [our] trouble, and he [saves us] from our distress.”

Yup.  That was my Bible study today.  The only thing is, I didn’t quite get to the point that I was crying out in my distress…He met me before that.  He swooped in and took me out of my soldiering. He gave me some time to be still, so that I would know, more than ever, that He is God.  Let Him be exalted.

Let them give thanks to the Lord for His unfailing love,

and His wonderful deeds for mankind.

Exceptionally Late

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

There’s an exception to every rule.

If you have been following this blog you know that for several weeks I have made it my business to roll out of bed, make a cup of tea, have my Bible study, and get busy on this blog.  Up until today the only real exceptions were when I was out of town.

But, today happened.

As a result of feeling like I was run over by a truck earlier this week, I have been having difficulty sleeping.  Which means I am having difficulty waking.  This would not be a problem on any other day, but unless I am physically unable to walk, on Wednesday mornings at 9:30, I am going to be at my Bible study.  This morning I dragged myself out of bed at 7:45, moaned my way to the shower, got dressed and drove to my pre-Bible study coffee shop for the cup of delicious caffeine that would keep me engaged for the next two hours.  I am really glad I made it to Bible study. These ladies are becoming very dear to me.  I am sure they will appear again in this blog, they are teaching me so much.

After Bible study, I met a friend from our former life in Michigan for, you guessed it, lunch.  Isn’t it amazing that ten years can pass and you can hug and share as though you haven’t missed a day?  I know I have written about so many of these encounters, but I am still surprised when they happen, and I keep pinching myself to see if my life right now is real.

I wouldn’t let myself go home until I had exchanged books at the library and gone to the gym.  I wasn’t silly enough to think that I could do 30 minutes on the elliptical, 15 minutes of weightlifting, and time in the pool, but I knew that if I spent just 30 minutes in the pool, my body would thank me.  I was right.  Being in the water erases my pain and even my fatigue.  I am not sure why that works, but it is lovely.

I drove myself home, plunked myself on the couch, and have been there ever since.  After dinner with my dear husband, I will begin the decline into what I hope will be a restful night’s sleep.  The last two nights I was exhausted and was sure that sleep would come quickly, but ended up awake into the wee hours.

I am happy to report that in my exceptionally late nights, I have had the company of Jodi Picoult’s The Storyteller (which I highly recommend) and a few night-owls who play Words With Friends at all hours.  I haven’t hated being up late, it has just broken the routine.  So, here’s to adapting.  Here’s to being thankful that my schedule allows for flexibility.  And, finally, here’s to hoping for a sound sleep.

Proverbs 3:24b

When you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.

My life is an object lesson

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

The to-do list is kinda long today.  And, I kinda feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.  It wouldn’t be terrible to crawl right back into bed and read the Jodi Picoult book that I started on Monday.  But, I have been putting off a few things.  I’ve been busy socializing!  So, whether or not I feel up to it, the list has to be attended to today.

I never know when one of these days is going to sneak up on me.  Since I discontinued one of my medications at the end of August, I have actually been doing ok.  I have had a few rough days, a few days when I had to slow down, but for the most part I have done pretty well.  I had almost convinced myself that, you know, I don’t really have an auto-immune disease.  You know, maybe it was all in my head.  Maybe I should, you know, apply for some of those holiday jobs that are being advertised on TV.

Come on, I tell myself, anyone who looks at you can see that you are doing just fine!  You go to the gym, for Pete’s sake.  You look good, girl.  (Just get a different haircut, would you? Justin Bieber has that look trademarked.) Stop your bellyaching and get over it!  It’s the old Kristin way — buck up, take care of this, kick some butts, take some names. I got this!  Exercise, adjust the diet, add the correct supplements, and bam — healed.

And then, I end up on ice. I am doing all the right things and still, it’s not enough. I cannot control this on my own.  

My life is an object lesson. I am a very slow learner.

I cannot do this on my own.  Sure, it’s great to exercise, eat all the right foods, take all the vitamins, blah, blah, blah.  But ultimately, my health is not in my hands. Is it?  If I had a dollar for every time I have written in this blog that ‘I am sitting in the palm of His hand,’  I would no longer even be thinking about looking for employment.  And yet, I still forget and get into my ‘I got this!’ mode.

Now, I am not saying I believe that God gives me the smack-down and puts me on ice to teach me a lesson.  But, let’s be honest, I need a lesson.  If I was my teacher, I would be very frustrated with me.  I actually think God has lifted his hand, with me in it, up close to his face so that he can verify that “Yup, she’s really doing it again.”  And he lovingly smiles and shakes his head and watches while I pull the ice packs out of the freezer and slow myself down enough to say, “I see you.  I hear you.  I do not have this.  You have me.”

So, I’m sitting on ice, looking at my list, getting ready to scratch off one item at a time and try to listen to the still small voice so that I will know when it is time to crawl back into bed with my book and be still and know that He is God and that I am still sitting in the palm of His hand.

Luke 4:40

…all those who had any who were sick with various diseases brought them to Him,

and laying His hands on each one of them, He was healing them.

Shift Happens in the Grace Period

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

So, I do realize, as you may have been wondering, that this grace period is not just a time for me to go out to lunch and chat with friends.  That is a bonus, to be sure, but also, a shift is happening.

I am slowing down.  I had previously underestimated the value of slowing down.  I have been known for being ‘on a mission’.  At the high school where I taught, before I had to give up my heels, my students claimed they could hear me coming down the hall and identify me by my cadence.  I moved, people.  In the five minutes between bells I could descend two flights of stairs, traverse two hallways, use the restroom, make twenty-five copies, and still make it back to my class before my students. I might communicate with ten people within that five minutes, probably disseminating information: get that paper in, see me after school, your book is in the office, tuck your shirt in, get to class. I might also respond to a couple of questions: do we need our book today? will you be here after school? would you unlock my classroom? 

These were all quick exchanges.  Necessary?  Yes.  Deep and life-changing?  Not likely.  That is not to say I didn’t ever have deep and life-changing conversations.  I did, but most of my time was spent on-the-go.

I move pretty slowly these days.  I don’t shout orders when I walk through the campus or the grocery store.  Nobody is regularly coming to me for help.  This shift is making me very observant.  I notice things that I might not have noticed before — there are deer eating leaves outside my window, the leaves are changing colors, I am, and have been, surrounded by amazing people.

I am healing.  Physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  No, I have not experienced a miracle, I still experience the same physical issues — pain, fatigue, and other various minor stuff — but I am learning about things that I can do to improve my health.  I must say that daily exercise is improving the way I feel. I continue to read about and experiment with dietary changes.  And, I am finding a pace that my body appreciates.

I am reconnecting with the word of God on a daily basis and am impressed with its relevance to my life.  I knew this, of course, I just hadn’t been making it a priority.  Seems I had forgotten the seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you truth of Scripture.  We heard Carl Madearis speak last night.  His simple passion for sharing the person of Jesus engaged me.  God’s love is powerful and effective.  Period.  I am remembering that and learning again to embrace it.

I am feeling things — great things.  I have been having so much fun talking with people, laughing, listening, sharing.  I may have earlier made it seem like I haven’t had any friends in the past ten or more years, not true.  However, I hadn’t allowed myself to fully invest in friendship in a very long time.  I have guarded my time, my emotions, and myself from others.   I may still be doing that, but I am realizing that with slowing down, I am more available to explore my emotions and actually feel them.

I am listening.  To others, to myself, and to God. I have often told my students ‘God gave you two ears and one mouth; respect the ratio.’  However, I haven’t fully respected the ratio.  I love to talk.  I have a lot to say.  But, so does everyone else.  If I fill up all the spaces with my words, no one else has room to speak.  This is a challenge for me, but blogging is helping.  I am putting a lot of my words on the page, and I don’t feel the need to share as many with my mouth.  This is allowing me to ask more questions and, get this, listen to the answers.  When I close my mouth I can hear others’ hearts.  I can hear my own thoughts.  I can hear the nudgings and proddings of God.

(If you just fist-pumped or said ‘Hallelujah, she is shutting up!’ I won’t judge you.)

So, in all, I highly recommend the grace period. It’s turning out to be life-changing.  I am still looking toward the end, and admittedly scanning the classified ads for positions.  However, I am pretty settled in for the next couple of months to see how I shift and and what God has planned for me in the next chapter. 

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness,

and all these things will be added to you.”

Matthew 6:33

Being Social

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

Life is weird right now.

The last time I didn’t have a job I had three children at home with me.  They were 8, 9, and 11.  The activities of my life were ordered around their needs and desires.  A typical day would have been structured around three meals at appropriate times, outdoor activities, reading, playing, caring for the house, and personal hygiene.  I didn’t have much wiggle room.  If I wanted to do something without children, I had to do some coordinating with my husband, who was very cooperative, or arrange playdates with friends.

It’s a whole new world in 2014.

Chester doesn’t demand much.  At the moment, he is curled up at my feet under the desk where I am writing.  He’s been feed and watered.  So, now the day is mine to do as I please.  Hmmm.  Interesting.

I have shared that I have established a routine to start my days.  My husband informed me this weekend, in his counselor’s wisdom, that ‘establishing routines is one of the best things you can do during a transition’.  Thanks, dear.  Most days include Bible study, blogging, exercise, reading, my favorite Netflix show, and some socializing.

In order to keep track of how I am doing medically, I have obtained an app that tracks my diet, exercise, social interactions, rest, and symptoms.  Each day I record all the data and the app charts my ‘self-management’ and the ‘arthritis impact’.  It’s actually quite fascinating.  The app has confirmed that I am doing some of the right things to minimize my symptoms, but reminded me that I could be doing more.

One of the most striking realizations from this app is that social interactions are very important to my well-being.  Who knew?  I realized that diet, exercise, rest, and medication played a part, but hanging out with people?  Casually?

For the past ten years, I have squeezed in some socializing on the fringes of my very busy teaching and parenting schedule.  In spite of my combat mode, God did bless me with some great people who met me where I was and endured the ‘current state of affairs’.  I am not sure they would recognize me at the moment.  I joke that I have gone from type AAA to a casual type B.  I used to be at school before 7:00 am, dressed and pressed,  in order to get my ducks in a row. Now it is not rare to find me still in pajamas at noon!  I may have already done my Bible study, blogged, and straightened the house, but I’m still not ready to greet the public.

But today is different!  Today I have not one, but TWO, social engagements!!!  I mean, I’m just trying to improve my health here!  This morning I am meeting a new friend to go walking.  This afternoon I am meeting a dear friend who I haven’t seen in ages!  I know, I know, I was supposed to go grocery shopping and mail a couple of packages, but, guys, it’s for my health!

In all seriousness, I feel so blessed to have this season of transition, this grace period where I have room to breathe, time to think, and freedom to socialize.  I am extra blessed that God has plunked me down in a space where I can connect with friends, new and old.  And, really, the groceries can wait.

I John 4:11

Dear friends, since God loved us,

we also ought to love one another.

Walking, part 2

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

On the heels of sharing the blessings of my aunt, uncle, and my grandparents, I read my Bible study this morning that focused on hindrances that keep us from doing what God has planned for us.

The study looked at three hindrances — others, Satan, and good old numero uno, that’s right, the person in the mirror.

If I’m going to be honest, and by now, you know I am going to be, my chief hindrance has always been … me.  Sure, I have faced human opposition.  Of course, I have experienced spiritual warfare. But really, Satan doesn’t have to spend as much time on me as he does on others, because I create my own issues.

You already know that my biggest hindrance is my belief that I am self-sufficient, battling through all obstacles, kicking butts and taking names. I prefer doing to being, and I often do so much that I don’t listen to others, let alone God.

In spite of this, God has managed to use me for ministry.  It’s usually like an out of body experience when a student or friend comes to me in the middle of my busy-ness, pours out her heart, and asks me for help or prayer.  I think to myself, “Wow, God kinda plunked that down right in front of me, didn’t He.”  He has to be very obvious to get my attention.  There are usually tears involved.  I am aware enough to notice tears. Or, a cluster of frantic teenagers saying something like, “Mrs. Rathje, you have to do something!”  Ok, ok!  You’ve got my attention.

But, in the spirit of the next chapter, I am trying to do things differently.  And, in the spirit of full-disclosure, I must remind you that God fully-orchestrated this next chapter.  He interrupted my busy-ness to bring me to this grace period.  He initiated the chain of events that led me to this Bible study.  He has provided my little house by the river.

And, you know, in the last two months (yes, I have been in Ann Arbor two months!) I have been noticing a lot more. I have been able to hear that still small voice, and have even been willing to listen to it.   I have been able to see the people around me, and notice what is happening in their lives.  I am embarrassed to say that this is a new experience.

When you are in your combat gear, moving at break-neck speed, everyone blurs together.  Yeah.

So, visiting my Uncle Louis and Aunt Margaret, remembering Grandpa and Grandma Meyer, and realizing their commitment to loving God and loving me, I am inspired to shift.  I see the blessings in fully-embracing this next chapter.  I am not sure what all God has planned, but I am willing to watch and see.  I am willing to toss the combat gear.  I am willing to walk into whatever it is that He has set before me.

Hebrews 12: 1

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses,

let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely,

and let us [walk] with endurance the race that is set before us.

Mann tracht und Gott lacht.

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

I woke up exceptionally early this morning, and wasn’t ready to crawl out of bed right away, so I grabbed the book on my nightstand and began to read.  I typically read fiction, even though there is a stack of non-fiction waiting for me.  I prefer an escape into story to any type of reality, but especially to self-help books.  I really don’t want to read about how to manage my finances, what career is best for me in the second half of my life, or how to control my autoimmune disease. 

I want to get lost.  For a little while.  

So, this morning I grabbed Anna Quindlen’s Still Life with Bread Crumbs which I had started last night.  It’s the story of a once-famous photographer who has to re-locate in her 60s in order to gain control of her waning finances in the wake of divorce and decreased popularity.  She is struggling to re-enliven her career and find meaning for her life.  The scene I read this morning ended with her sharing with a new friend a statement that her father often said, “Mann tracht, und Gott lacht.”  Translation, man plans and God laughs.  

I laughed out loud.  God spoke to me through Anna Quindlen’s fiction.  You may think I have lost my mind by now.  And that may be true.  But, if I remember correctly, I finished yesterday’s post with the Scripture, “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but the Lord’s purpose prevails.” I plan, God laughs.  I plan, God directs.  He wants me to get it through my thick skull. He is God and I am not. 

I had lunch with a new friend yesterday.  Among the many things we discussed, we touched on how to find purpose and meaning at this season of our lives — you know, middle age.  How should we use our time?  What should we commit to? 

Later, on a walk with my husband, it came up again.  When I say yes to something, I say no to something else.  If I say yes to a full-time teaching position, I say no to most everything else.  If I say yes to working days, I say no to lunch dates.  If I say yes to a PhD program, I say no to reading much fiction.  

I am figuring and planning; God is laughing.  He knows the plans he has for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me.  Plans for good and not for evil.  (Jeremiah 29:11) His laughter is the gentle laughter of a parent saying, “Calm down, little one, I’ve got it under control. I know what you need before you ask.” 

For now, I believe, He has called me to rest and be still.  He will reveal what is next when it is time for what is next. 

In the mean time, I will be reading fiction and being pleasantly surprised when He uses even that to remind me that He’s got me in the palm of His hand. 

Isaiah 46:4

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you.

I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

The River

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Do you see that view?  I can see that every day on my walk with Chester.  It is just down the street at Gallup Park.  Although I am in a city, I can take a short walk and totally escape from people, pressures, reality.  This is where I get to live.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I miss St. Louis — my friends, my house, the smell of the brewery, Forest Park, LaFayette Square.  It will always be very dear to me.

But, you know, I think I am going to like Ann Arbor.  In the past week, as we have settled, I have begun to develop some routines — Pilates, morning tea, blogging, five minutes of stillness, and a daily walk by the Huron River.  This walk is a pause from reality.  Inside Gallup Park, I don’t notice the sounds of the city.  I am engulfed in the smell of water, flowers, freshness — pure Michigan.  I see ducks, geese, and such a wide variety of people doing exactly what I am doing — breathing.

I lose track of time.  I forget agendas.  I relax.  Guys, it’s like being still!

I can hear some grumblers saying, “I bet you won’t be walking there in January!”  Good point. I haven’t quite forgotten what Michigan winters are like.  They are cold, to be sure.  But I also remember that they are stunningly beautiful.  So, I wonder if I will still venture out, like a real Michigander —  clad in boots, parka, hat, and gloves — to see what this view looks like fifty degrees cooler.  I hope so!

In the mean time, I am going to continue my routine — Pilates, tea, blogging, five minutes of stillness, and my daily walk by the river.  Because I have noticed that there, He “extends peace to [me] like a river” Isaiah 66:12.

Being Still 0, Doing 1

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

It’s gonna take some time for me to learn how to be still.  I had a few small victories yesterday, but overall, I was pretty focused on accomplishing the tasks on my to-do list.  And, you guessed it, I skipped the part about being sad and crying over my losses.  

So, let’s focus on the victories first: ten minutes of Pilates (this really helps with my joint pain and flexibility), a one-hour walk beside the Huron River (simply beautiful), dinner with old friends, wine with new friends, Law and Order, and blogging.  To me, this all classifies as being still.  I am aware, however, that there are levels of stillness that I am not tapping into; I am not there yet.  It’s going to take some time. 

So, in the area of doing — I organized over one hundred books in the office, I cleared out half the boxes in our daughters’ room, I ran to the grocery store.  It always feels so good to me to have something tangible to demonstrate how I spent my day.  My husband came home for lunch and I was practically giddy with excitement when I showed him my progress; I was like a little child!  

It’s going to take some major shift for me to let go of doing and hold on to being.  I will give myself some slack because our truck arrived three days ago and it takes some doing to settle in.  But, I want to start today to practice being still.  And I think I mean lying down, awake, doing absolutely nothing.  I think I am going to try for five minutes.  No phone.  No Words with Friends. No book.  No TV.  No music.  Just stillness.  Five minutes.  I think that is what I can handle.  

Being the do-er that I am, I am not even going to pray during that time. Even prayer can become, for me, doing. So prayer can be on my checklist, but not part of my stillness.  I am telling you, I am one stubborn girl.  Change is going to have to be intentional.  

I think I have sent the message to myself and the people around me, chiefly my family, but also my students, that what I do, what you do, translates into value.  The more I do, the more value I have.  The more impressive my actions, the more impressive me.  

This flies in the face of everything I have learned about God, and more specifically Jesus.  He loves me.  Period.  He values me.  Period.  More than many sparrows.  This is not conditional love or value.  It is love and value that reflects His character, not my performance.  “For God so loved the world, that He gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16.  Whoever believes. Period.  

That’s what my five minutes of stillness will be used for today.  I will be still and believe, for five minutes, that He is God, and that He loves and values me. Wanna join? 

 

 

 

Come….and rest, re-visit

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

When I wrote this post in July of 2014, in the midst of our move from one chapter to another, I had no idea what was ahead. However, God knew, and, in His mercy, taught me some lessons on rest and recovery that have become sustaining rhythms in my life. I light-heartedly wrote about silent rest this past Sunday (September 15, 2019), but make no mistake, rest is an essential part of life in this next chapter.

So, what does this rest, this being still, look like? I have no idea. 

Right now we are 48 hours from the arrival of the moving truck, surrounded by boxes (both full and empty) with a to-do list that is slowly dwindling down. In addition to moving ourselves to Ann Arbor, we are also preparing to move our youngest daughter from St. Louis to Ann Arbor to Washington, DC all within the next three weeks. After that, we will move our oldest daughter from Chicago to Ann Arbor to Philadelphia by the beginning of September.  

All this talk of being still is really just talk for now. In the next 48 hours we will close up shop in St. Louis, allow the movers to pack our lives into a truck, and begin our drive to Ann Arbor. The truck will meet us, and we will unpack our possessions and rearrange them in a different, smaller space. 

We aren’t just relocating; we are also becoming empty nesters! For the first time in almost 22 years, we will be a couple living alone (with a dog, of course).  And, we will be living alone together after living apart for eleven months!  It’s almost like getting married all over again! He has adapted to life in Ann Arbor and his new, very demanding, position there. I have adapted to life without him in St. Louis.  

We are changing from a large, three-level home in the city to a small, one-level home on a college campus. (Yes, on a college campus. I can see a dorm from my dining room window!) We have been separated by 500 miles for the past year; we will now rarely be separated by more than several hundred feet! (He walks three minutes down a sidewalk to get to work!)

Sky view of “our side” of campus.

If I were to do what is comfortable for me, I would already have a job lined up. I would have a start date, and tasks to complete before that start date. I would zoom into Ann Arbor, get the place set up, and rush into a routine that would leave little time for interaction with my husband, let alone the emotional processing that comes with relocating, sending your baby off to college, and leaving a career and friends after ten years!

My diagnosis has given me an excuse to be still. However, it’s not difficult to see God’s hand in the re-setting of my mind that has come as a result of my diagnosis. He’s been trying to get me to re-set for quite some time, I think. I have just stubbornly forged onward, ignoring my feelings, ignoring my heart, even ignoring the people who are closest to me. 

I’ve seen Jesus’ words in Matthew many times, but recently they’ve been speaking straight to my heart, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” I am not sure at all what several months of resting looks like, or if I will be able to fully settle in. But, the glimpse I have had over the summer — the ability to hear, to feel, and to think more clearly and calmly — inspires me to give it my best shot.  

I am trusting that his “yoke is easy, and [his] burden is light” and that I “will find rest for [my] soul.”