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Money Talk

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

If you’ve been reading my blog for any amount of time, you may have asked yourself, “What does it cost to walk away from a career and take some time to be still in a little house by the river?”  Well, that’s a good question.  Let me start by saying that although I was a math wiz in elementary, middle, and high school, my wizardry is no more. Especially when it comes to money.

Those of you who are good with money — investing, budgeting, balancing your checkbook every month — you might as well just stop reading, because I am likely to drive you insane with my approximations, guesstimations, and overgeneralizations.  You might as well know right now that I am not even keeping a check ledger.  There, it’s out.  I used to.  Really, I did.  I tried to justify my ledger every month.  I succeeded a few times.  But I’m over it.

Are you still with me?

Ok, here’s the skinny on our finances.  When we decided that my husband would take this position in Michigan, we knew that although he would receive a pay increase, the first year would cost us because we would be living separately.  Because of the living situation we have in Ann Arbor, most of that initial cost would be travel between St. Louis and Ann Arbor.  That didn’t seem like a big deal because I was still working and my salary was adequate.  When we further decided that I would take a break — at least until January 4, 2015 — we reduced our combined income by about 40%. The good news is that we reduced our housing expenses substantially by renting out the house we own in St. Louis and choosing to live on-campus in Ann Arbor.  We also reduced the amount we spend on auto insurance and gasoline by donating one of our vehicles before we left St. Louis.  Taking those factors into consideration, I was thinking — “Cool, this should all work out fine!”

But, you probably already guessed that we have expenses I wasn’t thinking about — medical bills (oy!), educational expenses for our girls, and (gasp!) some credit card debt.  Doesn’t sound bad, does it?  It’s actually not.  Not any worse than most other Americans who are juggling income with expenses and trying to make it all work out.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t worry.  I do worry.  I wish we were debt-free.  I wish our savings was much larger than it is.  I wish we could go out this weekend and pay cash for a second vehicle.  But that is not the case.

So, today being payday, I started out my morning paying bills while drinking my parade of beverages.  Here’s the good news.  I paid the bills!  All of them. See, we are doing fine financially.  But the numbers on some of those outgoing checks were pretty large and the weight of it all can push me toward worry.

When I was done paying bills, I turned to my Bible study.  I’m still in the Sermon on the Mount and today’s section was from Matthew 6:19ff, “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”  I read that and I thought, self-righteously, “Dude, I don’t have any treasures on earth; I just did the minimalist challenge.  I live in under 1000 square feet!  We have one bathroom, one TV, and one car!”

Yeah, I definitely needed the bonus lesson today.

And I got it…my Bible study took me to Proverbs 30, where the writer says, “give me neither poverty or riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me, lest I be full and deny you and say, Who is the Lord? or lest I be poor and steal and profane the name of my God.” Oh, yeah.  You’ve answered that prayer for me, haven’t You?  You’ve given me neither poverty nor riches.  You’ve given me just enough so that I have to continually turn to You and trust in Your provision.

And for forty-eight years You have consistently provided.  But that wasn’t really the bonus lesson, was it?  Not really.  If I miss the second part of the lesson, I miss the most important part.  Life isn’t just about buying things, paying bills, and balancing my checkbook.  Those things are miniscule.  The first part of the passage said, “Do not lay up for yourself treasures on earth” — savings account, cars, houses, clothing.  The second part of the passage said, “but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

That’s the nugget, kids.  Where is my treasure?  Where is my heart? Does it long for things of this earth — a new dress, a second car, or a huge savings account — that will deteriorate, rust, or be stolen? Or does it long for things of eternal value — relationships, faith, salvation — that cannot be destroyed or stolen?

Depends on the day. Depends on the moment.  I have to admit that some days I am totally lost in the things of this world — the house, the car, my work.  It’s a daily struggle to turn to His Word and be reminded of the things that are of more value.

So today, I turn.  I remember that “The earth is the Lord’s and the fullness thereof, the world and those who dwell therein…” (Psalm 24:1). I dwell in a house that is His, beside a river that is His, with a husband who is His.  He’s got us all, even our finances, in the palm of His hand.

The mountains are His.  The rivers are His.  The stars are His handiwork, too.

Our God is so great, so strong, and so mighty,

There’s nothing our God cannot do.

(Children’s Folksong)

What to do, What to do, pt. 2

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Remember way back in November when I broke my unemployment by working as an election agent?  I had been unemployed for four months or so and I agreed to sit in a press room at the county court house and report election returns via my smartphone.  It was my first post-teaching gig.  I had actually applied for that job while I was still living in St. Louis and interviewed for the position on the day that we moved in to the little house by the river.

The same agency that hired me for that position called me this morning.  They want to hire me for the months of March and April to drive about thirty miles one way, buy stuff, and then go donate that stuff to a shelter.  It’s not great money, but it’s 20-25 hours of work each week for eight weeks.  I was tempted to say yes.  I mean, they sought me out.  Why not?

Well, there are a few reasons.  The pay is not great.  If I am going to commit to something for 20-25 hours a week, it has to be worth my while.  I emailed the hiring agent and told her this.  She replied by telling me that they would compensate me for mileage — which would add up to a decent sum.  They would also pay for my travel to Cincinnati for training.  This would include lodging and meals for St. Patrick’s Day weekend.  That’s tempting, especially since the grand baby is in Cincinnati. But still, is it worth 20-25 hours of my time for six to eight weeks?

The second issue is that three of us are sharing one vehicle right now.  I know —  it’s practically un-American.  We have one car and one television.  (Actually, we have always only had one television, but that’s a story for another day.) We are working it out with only one car, but it takes some pretty fancy stepping including a Google Calendar specifically for car usage.  Taking a job that’s 20-25 hours each week in a small town thirty miles away would really bog down that calendar and make it very difficult for others to ‘share’ our one vehicle.

The third issue is that I am now a certified math story-problem grader (impressive, I know) and I am scheduled to start grading the short answers of unsuspecting third through eighth graders in early March. That, my friends, will earn me about the same amount of money as the purchasing position without leaving my home.

The fourth issue is that I am building my tutoring clientele.  Last week I did eight hours of tutoring.  This week I have six hours scheduled.  Tutoring does pay enough to make it worth my while.  And, it’s doing what I love to do. And, it uses my gifts.  And, it allows me to interact with students and their parents.

The fifth issue is that I have also applied for a short-term full-time proofreading position that starts the end of March and goes through July.   That position is for a textbook company.  It would give me something to do while students are on their summer breaks, and it would give me some excellent experience in proofreading.  Now, I haven’t been offered this position, nor have I even interviewed, but if I take a position buying things and donating them to a shelter, I won’t be available for a proofreading position.

So, what should I do?  Step one: I contacted the textbook company and inquired about their hiring timeline.  Step two: I will keep tutoring!  Step three: I will grade those math tests! Step four: I will pass on the purchasing gig!

My very first post on this blog was entitled ‘What to do, What to do”.  I’m still asking that question, but I am getting some clarity as I move through this next chapter. 

Psalm 90:17

May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us.

Establish the work of our hands for us — yes, establish the work of our hands.

The Bonus Lesson

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

Right after Jesus fed the 5,000 with five loaves and two fish, right after they cleaned up the leftovers and packaged them into twelve baskets, Jesus “made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side while He dismissed the crowds.”

First of all, let’s talk about that for a minute.  I have worked on lots of committees and been at lots of school and church functions and potlucks, and I don’t ever remember my leader sending me away ‘immediately’ so that he or she could dismiss the crowds.  I may have snuck away early of my own volition a few times (sorry, boss), but never have I seen a leader send away all his workers right after an event of this magnitude.

We might be tempted to think Jesus thought they’d had enough for the day — He’d proven He was God in a BIG way.  Who else but God could feed 5,000 men plus the women and children attached to them with five loaves of bread and two fish and have twelve baskets of food to pick up??? If we stop at Matthew 14:22 and see that He sent them away, we may think, “Oh, that was nice of Jesus to give them a break.”   But if you read a little further, like I did this afternoon, you’ll see that Jesus was not finished with them.  He had saved the bonus lesson for the twelve.

As a teacher I prepare lessons for a class — usually 90 minutes of activities that, together, are designed to teach a certain objective or set of objectives. These lessons have to take into consideration the spectrum of abilities and learning styles present in my classroom.  These whole class lessons stem from course objectives, which stem from departmental objectives, which are in line with the mission of the school.  They are very structured and intentional — as I imagine was the Feeding of the 5,000.

But often I get the pleasure of teaching a bonus lesson.  These lessons are often impromptu.  A student drops in before or after school and wants advice on a college essay, or a college choice, or a prom dress.  A grad emails me to talk about something that happened in class, or on a date, or in her family.  And sometimes  right in the middle of class an opportunity presents itself — a comment is made that I wasn’t expecting, a student asks a particularly relevant question, or a particularly irrelevant question, or an event happens in the world that demands us to leave the prepared lesson and seize the opportunity.  I have been known to close my computer and say, “Ok, guys, this is a bonus lesson — don’t worry, I’m not going to charge you extra.”

I imagine that is what happened after the Feeding of the 5,000.  Jesus wasn’t tired.  He didn’t want to go home, sit in his recliner, and watch Monday Night Football.  He had been watching His disciples all day and He knew they were ready for –The Bonus Lesson.

I mean, earlier in the day they had freaked out just a little bit. “Hey, Jesus, what are we going to do with all these people!!! They are getting hungry!  Let’s get them out of here!”

Jesus had other plans.  “No, don’t send them away. Feed them.”

“Uh, there’s like 5,000 of them.  We only have five loaves and two fish.”

“That’ll do.”

They didn’t see how in the world He, Jesus, who was also God, Creator of the world, Provider of every breath and every bite, could feed the people He had created. Yeah, I’ve been there.

So He proved that He was God and that He could and would provide.

They saw it and were amazed, but not too amazed, because a short while later, they were out in the boat that He had put them in, in the water that He had created, when a storm blew in.  (In case you aren’t following — God controls storms.) And of course they responded by recognizing that He is God and that He would protect them, right?

Nope.

They were sitting in the boat terrified and He walked on the water to them. And they didn’t recognize Him.  Who else could be walking on the water?  “It’s a ghost!” Seriously?

Jesus had to roll His eyes.  I have been known to roll mine.  I have just completed a lesson on in-text documentation —  the why, the how, the where — and a student says something like, “But do I have to cite my sources?” Eye roll.

It was dark and stormy, so if He rolled His eyes, we will never know.  We do know that He said, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.”

And still, Peter says, “If it is you, command me to come to you on the water.”

Really?  You need proof?  Today? He just fed 5,000 with five loaves and two fish.

(Eye roll?) “Come.”  (I am think it was more like, “Come on, then.” But let me not add to Scripture.)

Peter started walking and “came to Jesus.” And then still, he became afraid and began to sink. “Lord, save me!”

(Eye roll.) “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”  (Seriously, didn’t you see the fishes thing?  Didn’t you see me walk on the water?  Didn’t you see yourself walk on the water?)

Finally, they got in the boat and the wind ceased.  (He can do that whenever He wants, you know.) And then, “those in the boat worshiped Him saying, ‘Truly you are the Son of God.'”

Why do we wait until we are fed?  Why do we wait until the wind has ceased?  Why do we doubt until God proves Himself? Over and over and over.

Because He is God and we are not.  We need Him.  We need our Teacher.  We need The Bonus Lesson.

Mark 9:24

I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief.

The Real Teacher

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

My battalion and I are reading the Sermon on the Mount — that time when Jesus sat his crew down and said, “Dudes, you’ve got it all messed up; let me set you straight.”

I know, that’s not what I thought it was either.  I always thought the Sermon on the Mount was Jesus telling me how blessed I am — “Blessed are those who mourn, blessed are the meek, blessed are the peacemakers” — but those phrases are just the beatitudes,  and I am learning that I really didn’t even understand those correctly.

I’m only half way through the study, but I think I could summarize the key idea –“The way you thought you were supposed to do stuff? Totally wrong. Sit down, let me explain.”

He tells the listeners — the disciples, a bunch of other people, and us — Jesus followers — that we are salt and light.  We are preservative and clarity.  We are seasoning and illumination.  We should be noticeable.  We notice salt in our food.  We notice light in the dark.

What should we be noticed for?  For doing stuff that you wouldn’t expect — for reconciling with our accusers instead of seeking retaliation, for loving our enemies, for giving to anyone who asks.  It’s not what we are taught in our culture is it? Our culture screams — “get what’s coming to you! make him pay! don’t get sucked in!”  So when we act in a way that our culture doesn’t expect, it’s noticeable.

And, let me tell you, when Jesus gave this Sermon on the Mount, He was noticeable.  He went up on the side of a mountain (or possibly just a hill), sat down, and spoke to the crowds.  He said, “You have heard…” and reminded them of the commandments.  Then he said, “but I tell you…” to correct what they ‘had heard’.  He was changing the rules. But not really.  He was changing our understanding of the rules.  We had seen the letter of the law — “do not murder.” Fine. Done. I won’t kill anybody.  But he pointed out the heart of the law — “if you even tell someone they are worthless, you have killed them.”  Ouch.  I’ve probably done that.  Especially during those difficult teen years.   His point?  We have all sinned.  We have all broken every single commandment.  The crowd felt the weight of the law — the whole law.  

But they noticed something else.  He said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”  In fact, he started there.  He prepared them for the hard words they would hear.  He said, “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.”  And then he showed them how to show mercy — “First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”  He pushed further — “If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.  If anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well.”  What?  Then what am I going to wear??? 

Well, we haven’t reached this part in our study, but I know what is coming.  I looked ahead…He said to them, “do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on.  Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not of more value than they?”

In fact, the message of the Sermon on the Mount is “You are of so much value, that I, God, chose to come down among you, sit with you, and spell it out for you.” What?

“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” But, come on, I am surely not pure in heart! “You’re seeing me, aren’t you?”

John 1:14

The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us.

We have seen His glory, the glory of the one and only Son,

who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

“Trust Talks”, re-visit

~ Kristin ~ 3 Comments

This post, written in January 2015, refers to a book I edited for a friend several years ago. The free e-book, which I will send you upon request, is an excellent tool to help you reveal and heal the hidden hurts that are getting in the way of communication in your relationships. I’m re-visiting the post in June 2019 to connect with my post “Both Sides” staying with the theme of improving communication.

In 2010 a friend called to ask if I’d be willing to accept an editing job. As a therapist, he had discovered a strategy to use when communication had broken down in relationships; he felt led to share this tool through a free e-book. Would I be willing to sign on for this labor, he asked, knowing that my pay would be of the ‘eternal rewards’ kind?

I had met this man, Brad, and his wife, Lori, several years earlier when we had toddlers at home. My husband and I joined them in their home on Monday nights for a time of worship and prayer that included a half dozen other people. It was our one night out each week. We hired a babysitter to come put our kids to bed so that we could have fellowship with these people who had previously been strangers. These Monday nights were oxygen to us. We never missed. No matter what the circumstances, we got ourselves across town so that we could join others in singing, scripture, and prayer.

This couple supported us outside Monday nights, too. Brad encouraged my husband, who was just beginning his own counseling practice, by meeting with him and providing professional oversight and collaboration. From time to time, Brad also provided, at a deeply reduced rate, counseling services for each of us. Lori taught our children piano lessons. If that’s not enough, whenever we went out of town, they let our golden retriever hang out with their golden retriever.

What I came to know about this family was that they were God’s people. They had humble spirits and open hearts. They were passionate about speaking into the lives of others — sharing what they had learned with whoever would listen. Many times I heard the voice of God through them. Often, that voice provided healing.

So, would I be willing to edit Brad’s book about an effective communication strategy that he had used in therapy to break down walls of resistance in relationships? Guys, he asked me this in 2010, the height of my butt-kicking, name-taking soldiering years. I was busy with three teenagers. I was teaching full-time. I was a pastor’s wife with tons of responsibility. Why in the world would I say yes to more?

But I did say yes. It was the summer. I had responsibilities, sure, but I did have a little bit of room. So, yes. Yes! 

I might not have been willing, at the beginning, to admit that there were communication break-downs in our own family. And Brad and I lived three states apart; there was no way that he could have known that either. But as I engaged in the text, it became obvious that the first recipient of the free e-book would be me. As I read scenario after scenario I saw myself in the conversations-gone-wrong. I felt the emotions that the people in the book were expressing. I also saw where their listeners shut down.

As I read about the author’s strategy for ‘graphic word pictures’ I began to put my own emotions into words that I felt others in my life could grab onto. The ‘graphic word pictures’ were not accusations, but representations of my feelings. I practiced by writing one for my husband. Just one ‘graphic word picture’. We’d been having trouble communicating emotions for a while. We’d both been in the trenches, and, as soldiers, hadn’t taken time to identify what we were feeling, let alone to appropriately communicate those feelings to each other. As soldiers we’d been busy surviving, deflecting attacks, patching up wounds, and running for cover.

But as I read, I found myself retreating from the front, pulling off bandages, and examining wounds. I took a first look at the depth of the injuries. Seeing the damage, I painted a word picture of it for my husband so that he could fully appreciate the depth of each gash, the amount of infection, and the need for healing. He didn’t respond defensively; instead he helped me ice and elevate. He brought me a cool glass of water. He sat beside me while I healed.

Just because of some words.

I had the opportunity recently to talk to this friend again. I was struggling to communicate some emotions and had written a graphic word picture to try to express my pain. I emailed him and asked if he would read what I had written to see if I was correctly utilizing the strategy. He read it, then asked me to call him. For an hour he allowed me to see not only the wound I had described — the one on the surface — but also the much deeper crippling wounds that I had been ignoring. He helped me pull back the protective layers of body armor so that I could see the severity of my injuries. He helped me describe them with words. As we did that work, I cried and cried. The wounds were real, but I had not been acknowledging them. I had ignored the pain and soldiered on.

In the midst of my soldiering, God saw me. He saw all the hurts I was covering, and He cared so deeply that he utilized my desire to return a favor to a friend to expose those hurts and begin the healing that He’s still working on many years later. I recently opened the e-book and noticed that the publishing date was 2011, long before my health crisis, but in the middle of a summer that would impact the lives of our family for years. None of that was a surprise to God. He knew what was coming, and He was already beginning the healing of wounds that hadn’t yet been inflicted.

That’s what He does — He sees the big picture of our lives and steps into them. He sees our attempts to work things out on our own, and He inserts people and circumstances designed to disrupt us, to slow us, to change our trajectory. For some of us he has to be persistent — we are so bent on our own ways, that we fail to see all the different paths He is offering.

After five years in this little house by the river — a different season, a new chapter that we were invited into –I am still often tempted to return to my life of soldiering. The hard-charging, butt-kicking, name-taking lifestyle is a survival strategy that has worked for me in the past, so when the going gets tough, it’s the path I turn to. However, any soldier will tell you that the lifestyle takes a toll — physically, mentally, and emotionally. And, frankly, it’s effectiveness is a facade.

All the disruptions in life — all the interventions, all the people, all the circumstances — have taught me what I should have known all along: I have no need to fight. I am a child of the King.

Who do I think I was battling, anyway? All this time I have been sitting in the palm of His hands.

Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?”

Romans 2:4

“Trouble Talks”

~ Kristin ~ 2 Comments

I was sharing some of my troubles with a friend the other day, and when I realized what I was doing I apologized.  “I am so sorry I used our time to complain about my life.”  She replied as most of us would, “Not at all.”  But then she followed that up with, “It actually makes me feel a little better in a weird way.”  We talked more and came to the conclusion that it is comforting to know that you are not the only one who has a complicated life.

Years ago I heard a speaker at some women’s event (I’ve been to dozens over the years.) who said that for centuries women have gotten together to cook, or sew, or do laundry, or drink coffee, or go for walks.  The speaker (I wish I could remember who it was) said that regardless of time or place, these women almost always have engaged in conversation that she called “trouble talks”.  They have shared their burdens about marriage, children, work, finances, housing, etc.  In these “trouble talks” women have found support, camaraderie, connection, community.

I am a verbal processor, so this is no shock to me.  I talk through everything — with my husband, a coworker, a sister, my mother, a friend.  But I think I have been missing the communal piece of this — the banding together of women.

Somewhere along the line I got the memo that in public gatherings with other women, I needed to present myself as flawless, above reproach, intentional, skilled — perfect.  I’m certain my own insecurities fed into this lie that I believed, but it was also likely bolstered by my beliefs about being a leader, a teacher, a pastor’s wife.  And it was probably fueled by our culture that seems to promote competition among women rather than community.

But over the last six months, as I have tasted sisterhood in a new way — through my Bible study battalion, through new friendships, through regular sharing, I am learning the blessings of being vulnerable and “bearing one another’s burdens.”

A couple weeks ago, in my Wednesday Bible study, one of the women shared a concern about her adult children.  She painted a picture of the “trouble” she was experiencing.  The women around our table listened, nodded in understanding, shared the woman’s sadness, offered suggestions, and prayed.  I didn’t feel a shred of judgment in the room — just pure care.

I’m sure it’s no surprise to you that each of us in the group (each of us in any group) have our own “stuff”, our own “troubles”.  Her sharing, her vulnerability, allows another in the group to share her “troubles” in an environment that is free of judgment.

Now, of course, I am not advocating that we each run to our respective groups and share every little detail of our lives.  Many things are private, and should be.  But it is healthy to foster the creation of safe spaces where we can come alongside people we trust, share our burdens, and have our load (at least temporarily) lightened.  It’s not a sign of weakness to need others.  It’s a sign of strength to recognize the need and to ask for support.

It’s all part of the turning that is resulting from what I am learning in this next chapter. 

Galatians 6:2

Bear each other’s burdens and in this way you fulfill the law of Christ.

Inhale. Exhale.

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

I feel like I keep writing the same thing over and over — how I am amazed at all the friendships and connections I have in this next chapter.  Some of these connections are new — my husband’s coworkers, my Bible study battalion, and my new students.

But some of the characters that show up in this next chapter were players in earlier chapters — some a long, long time ago.

My Thursday morning walking buddy was my college suite-mate.  Back in the 1980s we shared bathroom space and late-night snacks. Today we share our journey through chronic illness, marriage, and parenting while walking laps at the mall.

Before Thanksgiving I reconnected with another friend. She was a member at the congregation we served in the 1990s, where all of our children were born.  We became close through our home Bible study group, Marriage Encounter, and the church’s worship team.  She was the director of worship; we’ll say I was support staff and cheerleader — I wrote song lyrics, prayed with the team, and led them in Bible study before practice.  Her children attended my high school Bible study on Sunday mornings.  We were friends.

Another friend from the past is actually responsible for us being here in Ann Arbor.  She is on staff here as Director of Worship Arts and alerted us to the posting for a Dean of Students.  Back in the 1980s she and I worked side by side as work study employees for this university’s Office of Development.  Computers were new and we were hired to enter thousands of donor names into a database. We also wrote thank you letters and gave campus tours.  Through that connection, I began attending her father’s congregation, ate dinners at their family table, and felt like I belonged.

These three women from my past want to join me for a Bible study.  I already have my Bible study on Wednesday mornings — you know, my batallion.  But these gals are my friends, they know parts of my story, they belong in my story.

So today a few of us met to discuss what we should study.  I was running late — the only one without a job and I was late.  I sank onto a sofa with them and just breathed.  Familiarity.  Love.  Acceptance. Inhale, exhale.

We talked for over an hour without touching on Bible study.  We just swapped stories of life.  And as we were preparing to part, I think I asked, “so what do we want to study?”

It seemed like we were going to go with Ephesians when one of the others said, “You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about Acts 3:19.”  We turned to find it. “Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out, that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, and that he may send the Christ appointed for you.” Repent.  Turn. So that times of refreshing may come. Ahhhhhh. Inhale. Exhale.

One of the others said, “It reminds me of Isaiah 30:15: In repentance and rest is your salvation; in quietness and trust is your strength.”Ahhhhh.  Inhale.  Exhale.

The first woman said, “It sounds like we could all really use this.  A turning away from the way that we are going so that we can experience refreshing.”

I said, “Maybe we could just think about those verses for a little bit and see where that leads us.”

The other woman said, “Maybe we could write a devotional book for women like us who could also use some refreshing.”

Could we? Really? You would want to do that with me? We could spend the time together? We could commit to that project together?  And through it we could grow closer and we could all be changed together?

I hugged them tightly saying, “Is this real?  Are we really here together? Is God really this good?”

I pinched myself, and guys, I think it’s real. Inhale. Exhale.

Psalm 34:8

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him.

We don’t know everything

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

On December 21, 1989, my husband proposed to me, and when I accepted he said, “Things are going to get busy.”  If I would have known then what ‘busy’ meant, I might have turned back.

But God orders life in such a way that He lets us see just a bit.   At that moment, I could say yes, even knowing that my future husband was a divorced father of a four-year-old.  But would I have said yes if I had known that we would live in eleven homes in twenty-four years?  That we would ultimately be the parents of four children? That I was not only marrying a teacher, but a therapist, and a pastor, and a university administrator?

Maybe.  I was a starry-eyed twenty-three year old when I said yes.  I knew what was behind me — divorced parents, an eating disorder, my college education.  I had survived so much already. How hard could this be?

Hard.  You probably know all too well that life is hard —  just when you think you are sailing smoothly, a storm pops up — a job change, an educational challenge, a health issue, financial trouble, extended family trouble, and the list goes on.  Sometimes it feels as though we can’t handle even what this particular day holds — how on earth would we manage if we had the whole script in front of us from day one?

I was still a little starry eyed in 2004 when my husband said to me, “God is calling me to the seminary.”  In six months’ time I finished coursework for my Master’s degree, prepared a house for selling, sold/gave away half of our possessions, packed up a family of five, and relocated three states away.  I was excited because of what I knew — God had called my husband into ministry.  Would I have been so excited if I had known,  really known, the struggles our children would face in St. Louis?  Would I have been happy to embrace a life of busy-ness, a busier busy-ness than we had ever known?  What if He’d said, “You’re going to be there for 10 years, you are both going to experience significant health issues, and there is going to be plenty of family strife.”  Would we have still signed up?

Maybe.  I mean, back then we were still, in our minds, pretty invincible.  We might have still signed up.  But maybe not.  We might have been scared.  We might have wanted to protect our family from struggle.  We might have wanted to protect ourselves from struggle.

And if we would have done that, the story would be much different than the story is today.  We have been changed.  I am not the starry-eyed twenty-three year old who agreed to marry my husband.  I am not the optimistic ‘let’s do it!’ wife who moved mountains so that we could answer God’s call.  I have been changed.

And I’m still changing, because life keeps happening — the good, the bad, and the downright ugly.

It’s pretty easy to thank God when He gives you a beautiful granddaughter to hold and adore. It gets a little more difficult when you, or the people who you love, are hurting. But I find assurance in knowing that even before 1989, God knew every little thing that He would bring into my life — even the stuff of today.  He knew in advance that He would be with me through all of it — that He would be carrying me in the palm of His hand.

This morning the pastor at the church we were visiting recalled, through the genealogy in Matthew 1, God’s faithfulness, especially in light of the faithLESSness of man.  He started with Abraham’s unfaithfulness, then Isaac’s, and so on.  His point was that God knew, from before the creation of the world, that we (all of us) would screw it up.  And yet he planned, from before the creation of the world, to keep a covenant with His people.  The covenant did not depend on us doing the right thing, saying yes at the right time, or answering a call.  It only depended on the faithfulness of God.

And He is faithful.  Faithful to love me when I couldn’t have cared less about Him.  Faithful to hold me when I felt all alone.  Faithful to heal me when I was hurting.  Faithful to carry me when I was too tired to walk on my own.  He knew before time began that He would be faithful in all these things, even when I was faithLESS.

Back in 1989 I didn’t know what was in store for me, and today is no different.  I have no idea what will come into our lives in the years to come, but I do know that God will remain faithful to us.  He will continue to carry us in the palm of His hand.

Deuteronomy 7:9

Know therefore that the Lord your God is God;

He is the faithful God, keeping His covenant of love to a thousand generations…

Next Chapter Employment

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

In my quest for employment, I have inquired about and applied for many positions.  I’m getting the most work from a web-based service called Wyzant — this site helps me find students and helps students find me.  So far I have tutored a high school freshman getting ready for finals and a high school senior preparing for the ACT.  The site also connects me with editing jobs– I’ve helped a high school student with a short story and a college student with a transfer application.  Each day new opportunities pop up on Wyzant.  The site provides an email portal, a place for a my schedule, and secure payment.  It’s clean and professional.  I like it.

I mean, the joke among my friends is that this is a step up from the gigs I was getting through Craigslist.  Each time I mentioned I was meeting a new client I found on Craigslist, my family and friends rolled eyes, gave cautions, and laughed a little nervously.  But to be honest, my best client is one I found on Craigslist.  He’s been with me since November as he writes his Master’s thesis for his graduate degree from Harvard.  I’ve never met him, but we send documents back and forth through email, talk on the phone, and text.  I woke up Monday morning to an email that said, “Got my draft done!” I am so looking forward to reading and editing this work on high stakes testing and educator cheating — it’s fascinating! Craigslist has also allowed me to meet a local author and an international graduate student, and not one axe murderer!

Tomorrow I am starting a journey on perhaps the most legitimate of pursuits so far — employment with the Educational Testing Service as a certified test rater.  I was unaware until my confirmation email came — after a lengthy application and verification process — that the subject area I will be working in is — gasp — math!  (As I typed that little four-letter word, I heard laughing all the way from St. Louis, Missouri and Tanzania as former colleagues envisioned me doing anything — aside from counting — with math.)  Tomorrow morning I am supposed to spend four hours — four paid hours — learning how to be a test rater.  If I don’t pass the certification tomorrow morning, they will pay me to retake it one more time.  Well, ok, I will give it a try, even if it is math.

To be fair, the content is elementary level. And there was that one year when I was a long-term substitute teacher in the fourth grade and I lead math lessons from the chalk (yes, chalk) board.  I don’t remember anyone complaining that their number sense was destroyed for the rest of their educational career, but I have moved around a lot; maybe they haven’t been able to find me.

This journey has been very interesting.  I have no idea where I am headed, but I am exploring several different paths.  The good news is that I feel energized.  I love meeting students who want to learn.  Yesterday, as I was headed to meet a new student at a library I had never been to before, I received a text. “Mrs. Rathje, This is S________.  I am at the library.  I secured a private study room, 2B.  It is up the stairs and on your left.  See you soon.”  Did you get that? A high school senior arrived 30 minutes before I did, found us a room, logged into the internet, got a login code for me to use, pulled up her ACT score report, and greeted me with a smile and a handshake when I walked in.  (All the high school teachers out there are reading this with their mouths hanging open.)  This girl, who is a full-time student, a cheerleader, and part-time McDonald’s employee, leaned in with me for two hours and learned strategies for improving her score on the ACT.  She looked in my eyes, asked me questions, and agreed to do extensive homework before we meet next time — on a Saturday morning for two hours.  

Pretty sweet, isn’t it?  So, I have no idea where I am going to end up, but I am not minding it one bit.  Each day I have a new experience.  I’m not bored in this next chapter. 

Psalm 90:17

May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us —

yes, establish the work of our hands.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

We spent the weekend with our granddaughter.  She is just two and a half weeks old and weighs just over seven pounds.  We have only seen her twice, but we are head over heels in love.

Everyone said it would happen.  They warned us that we were in for a ‘new kind of love’.  And I am sure that we have had just a taste, but that taste has made us want more and more.

We lost hours holding her and staring at her while she was sleeping — watching her face change from peaceful, to smiling, to irritated, to sleepy.  We talked to her and walked with her and fed her and changed her.  We were amazed, truly amazed, by this little life that we knew nothing about just a short time ago.  We examined her fingers and her toes.  We touched her hair and smelled her skin.  We took her in.

And now, sitting in my house by the river, I am looking at the photo of her tiny little hand inside the larger older hand of her grandfather.  How many times will he hold that hand?  When she’s crying, or scared, or excited, or angry.  How many times will he wish that he could hold that hand?  When she’s far away or busy or holding someone else’s hand.

Right now she is so tender and pure — a brand new blank book with all kinds of stories waiting to be written.  So many of us are watching in wonder and amazement.  All she has to do is breathe and we are awestruck. One little accidental smile and we beam.  Nothing that gets written in this book will change the ridiculous love we have for this little girl.  We are just overcome with happiness to be witnesses to this brand new life and whatever it holds.

We pray we get to hold her hand from time to time, but when we can’t, we rest assured that she is resting safely in the palm of His hand — the One who formed her inmost being, the One who knows the plans He has for her, the One who has redeemed her and called her by name.  He holds her in the palm of His hand, for she is His and He made her.

Psalm 139:14

I praise You because [she] is fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful.