Category: Transition

A word about paychecks…

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

This post, written in 2014 and polished up in March 2019 is one of the most frequently viewed of all my blog posts — maybe because so many of us confuse our worth with what we earn. 

I have always loved to work. I love to be doing; we’ve established that. I like the feeling that I am meeting a need. I like the satisfaction of a job well-done. And let’s be honest — getting a paycheck is pretty great.

I’ve been paid to babysit, to drop a fry basket into a vat of boiling oil, to stuff envelopes, to mystery shop, to write devotions, to teach, to proctor tests, and even to walk door-to-door asking ‘how many people live in the house, what is their ethnicity and employment status’. I’ve been paid everything from fifty cents an hour to a respectable salary with benefits for me and my family.

It’s an exchange, isn’t it? The worker does a task; the employer pays a wage. That wage provides the means for the worker to buy food, housing, clothing, and other necessities. It provides a means for the worker to save for the future. It allows the worker to bless others.

But somehow a paycheck has come to mean something more. Somewhere in the deep recesses of my brain, I tie my wages to my worth. If I am earning, then I have value. The more I earn, the more value I have. I am worth something when I am working and making a wage.

Uh-oh. What happens when I resign my position and decide to be still for a period of several months?  If I’m not working, I won’t be getting paid. This could present a little problem in the inner workings of my psyche.

Over the years, my husband and I have been in every state of employment — we have both worked, only he has worked, only I have worked. For a few months, neither of us was employed full-time. We have made very little and we have made substantial salaries. But one thing remains, we have always had just about exactly what we needed at the moment. We have always had appropriate housing, vehicles that work, food for our family, clothing that looks respectable, the ability to give gifts to others, and the means to take modest vacations.

Just before our first daughter was born, I was teaching full-time in a residential facility for emotionally impaired children. My husband was finishing his hours of supervision to get his license in counseling. I was definitely the primary wage-earner, yet we agreed that I would resign my position one week before her due date so that I could be a stay-at-home mom. We made this decision even though he had not yet secured a full-time position and even though we didn’t have much in savings. It was a step of faith. I don’t remember our families saying much about it, but they must have thought we had lost our minds! On the day our daughter was born, my husband came to visit us in the hospital. He had about five dollars in his pocket, not much in the checking account, and no idea how he was going to get groceries before I got home. After he visited,  he stopped by the counseling office where he was doing his supervision, checked his mailbox, and found a check for over $500 in pay that had been delayed due to insurance! In 1992 that was plenty to get groceries, pay some bills, put some money in savings, and buy his new daughter a bow to wear home from the hospital. During the following months before he had a full-time position, we were blessed over and over by the generosity of others and God’s provision that often came just in time.

It grew our faith and reminded us that all things are provided through Him — even a paycheck.

Yes. That money that someone gives me in exchange for a task I complete is not really a measure of my worth; it is God’s way of providing for me. He has given me gifts and skills, he has plugged me into positions, and he has provided for my needs.

He has declared my worth.

Jesus told the disciples in Matthew 10: 29 “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.  But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.”

Did you see that? I am of far more value than many sparrows.  I am worth more than my pay check. My value is found in Christ.

Yours, too.

And you can’t measure that with a paycheck.

My Life is a [fairly] open book

~ Kristin ~ Leave a comment

My Life Story

Chapter 1: The forceps delivery should have been the first clue. Or, I always gotta try to make things just a little more difficult.

Chapter 2: Life with my my brothers, and our older, more mature sister.  Or, man, I wish I was as cool as she is, but I guess these guys are ok. 

Chapter 3: School: my comfort zone. Or, the beginning of doing and achieving as a way to self-acceptance. 

Chapter 4: The neighborhood. Or, Lord of the Flies meets Gilligan’s Island meets Sesame Street.

Chapter 5: Divorce disrupts. Or, Commence with the tumultuous teens. Or, How to torture a stepfather.  Or, Could you have done this when I wasn’t in puberty??

Chapter 6: Middle School: the petri dish of hormones. Or, star student meets klutzy adolescent and cries for three years. 

Chapter 7: High School: oh, the drama! Or, Middle School, part 2. 

Chapter 8: A couple of colleges. Or, Getting lost at the university, and finding the small college. Or, Eating Disorders: Not recommended for humans. 

Chapter 9: I love to work! Or, From babysitting to McDonald’s to group homes to classrooms and beyond. 

Chapter 10: Love and marriage: finding my handsome prince!   Or, It started with a lemon drop. 

Chapter 11: Learning to be a teacher. Or, The Know-it-all discovers she doesn’t know it all. 

Chapter 12: Parenthood: the early years. Or, The Know-it-all discovers she doesn’t know it all, part 2. 

Chapter 13: Graduate School? At my age? Or, Finding my Passion.  Or, Really, I get to do this?

Chapter 14: We’re leaving Michigan?! Or, Adventure at Seminary! Or, Traumatizing the Children! Or, Life in the Armpit! Or, Seriously, St. Louis is really this humid all the time? 

Chapter 15: The Sugar-momma years. Or, The teaching degree finally pays off. Or, From Public High School to Parochial High School. Or, Home at Last!

Chapter 16: Parenthood 2.0: teenagers.  Or, I admit it; I know nothing!

Chapter 17: Sending them off. Or, They make me so proud! Or, I miss them so much! Or, My children/My friends. 

Chapter 17: Illness: Redefining Life.  Or, Well, this sucks.  Or, Slowing down.  Or, Ok, Ok, I hear you!

Chapter 18: Back to Michigan?! Or, Really? Or, Going Home! Or, Starting over? At our age? 

Chapter 19 ___________________

 

The next chapter?  No idea.  Perhaps I will call the next chapter, “Being Still.”  But you never know, maybe this time of being still will yield something far more title-worthy.  That’s how life works.  As you enter a chapter, you think you know where it’s going, but the Author often has often added plot twists.  As I enter this chapter, I am excited, and anxious. I feel like I am climbing the initial hill on a roller coaster…it’s quiet and calm right now, but I hear a subtle clicking that reminds me that a ride is coming! 

The movers come in four days.  Am I ready? I doubt it.  But, I hear a voice saying, “Be still, and know that I am God.”  He is the author.  He knows what is coming.  He has written the rest of the story.  I hear it has a good ending. 

I am just a human, being, revisit

~ Kristin ~ 1 Comment

This post, written in July 2014 at the beginning of my quest to do less and be more, seems appropriate even in July 2019, at the end of a weekend where I hung out with my granddaughters, simply being.

Many have pointed out the irony of being called ‘human beings’ in a culture that is so focused on ‘doing’. We often find our worth, meaning, and identity through what we do. Strangers, upon meeting, ask one another, “so what do you do?”  The child comes home from school, and the parent asks, “what did you do today?”  The husband says to the wife, “what have you been doing?” It’s fine if what you did was close a million-dollar deal, get an A on a paper, or promote world peace, but not so great if what you did was file for bankruptcy, get in a fight with a friend, or simply change diapers all day. When we form our identity or measure our worth based on what we do, we may end up struggling with perfectionism, workaholism, and, in the absence of peak-performance, depression.

I must admit from the start, that in the world of doing, I have been an over-achiever. I stood at the starting line of adulthood declaring that I was going to win. I was the mom who, while holding a full-time teaching position, trained for and ran a half-marathon, baked cinnamon rolls and tortillas from scratch, clipped coupons, and made all my children’s clothes (just kidding on that last one). You get the point. I have got doing down. To a fault.

I often do when I don’t want to feel, or when I need to be in control, or when I am angry or afraid.  It is my way of avoiding the interior me — the human being.  

So when my health began to shift and I suddenly found myself unable to do all the things I like to do and started to be, it was pretty ugly. I began to be angry, and scared, and depressed, and worried, and sad, and bored. I didn’t like to be with me. I was downright whiny — and this momma has never done whiny!

My strategy to cope with this was, of course, to do something!  While I was struggling to manage all the responsibilities of my full-time-plus position as a teacher and administrator of a high school, I spent evenings and weekends applying for all kinds of jobs where I could do less! After about six months doing that, I got an interview and an offer to do, shockingly, more!  And then,….and then….a solution was provided! I didn’t have to do anything!  My husband was offered a position that relocated us to a new environment and provided me with some time to just be. And here we are.

Being.

A long time ago, a huge group of people was following Jesus around, so he walked up the side of a mountain and started speaking to them. He said, “You are the salt of the earth….you are the light of the world.”  He didn’t say “Be the salt of the earth.” Or, “be the light of the world.”  He said “you are“. The word ‘are’ is the present tense plural form of ‘be’.  We are already the salt of the earth and the light of the world. Our identify is not dependent on what we do. Our identity is firmly planted in Christ. We are His.

I enter this time of rest and be-ing chanting this mantra, “I am His. I am a human, being His.”

I will pray that you find some space to just be today, too.

Epilogue: Five years later, I’m still trying to find the balance between being and doing. I’m discovering in many areas of life that balance is not about choosing one option (i.e. being) over another (i.e. doing) but about finding ways to live in the tension of the existence of both. Our identity is based on who we are in Christ, and He calls us to do — to live our life — out of that truth. We can do great things because of who He has made us to be, which is really not as easy as it sounds, especially in a culture that values accomplishment and status. We can easily forget that the most important is already done; we quickly fall back into patterns of trying to do more to earn position, identity, or status. However, when we realize that our identity is based on who we are in Christ, we can freely do without the added pressure of earning our worth.

As I watched our granddaughters this weekend, I loved them every minute — when they were charming, when they were naughty, when they were sleeping, and when they were showing off. My love for them was not based on what they were doing; I am simply in love with their beings. As they grow, others may not be so kind, but the One who made them — and us — will love them through all the things that they do, while they learn who He has made them to be.

The same is true for you and me.

Be kind and compassionate to one another.”

Ephesians 4:32