It’s gonna take some time for me to learn how to be still. I had a few small victories yesterday, but overall, I was pretty focused on accomplishing the tasks on my to-do list. And, you guessed it, I skipped the part about being sad and crying over my losses.
So, let’s focus on the victories first: ten minutes of Pilates (this really helps with my joint pain and flexibility), a one-hour walk beside the Huron River (simply beautiful), dinner with old friends, wine with new friends, Law and Order, and blogging. To me, this all classifies as being still. I am aware, however, that there are levels of stillness that I am not tapping into; I am not there yet. It’s going to take some time.
So, in the area of doing — I organized over one hundred books in the office, I cleared out half the boxes in our daughters’ room, I ran to the grocery store. It always feels so good to me to have something tangible to demonstrate how I spent my day. My husband came home for lunch and I was practically giddy with excitement when I showed him my progress; I was like a little child!
It’s going to take some major shift for me to let go of doing and hold on to being. I will give myself some slack because our truck arrived three days ago and it takes some doing to settle in. But, I want to start today to practice being still. And I think I mean lying down, awake, doing absolutely nothing. I think I am going to try for five minutes. No phone. No Words with Friends. No book. No TV. No music. Just stillness. Five minutes. I think that is what I can handle.
Being the do-er that I am, I am not even going to pray during that time. Even prayer can become, for me, doing. So prayer can be on my checklist, but not part of my stillness. I am telling you, I am one stubborn girl. Change is going to have to be intentional.
I think I have sent the message to myself and the people around me, chiefly my family, but also my students, that what I do, what you do, translates into value. The more I do, the more value I have. The more impressive my actions, the more impressive me.
This flies in the face of everything I have learned about God, and more specifically Jesus. He loves me. Period. He values me. Period. More than many sparrows. This is not conditional love or value. It is love and value that reflects His character, not my performance. “For God so loved the world, that He gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16. Whoever believes. Period.
That’s what my five minutes of stillness will be used for today. I will be still and believe, for five minutes, that He is God, and that He loves and values me. Wanna join?
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It has been so hard for me to grasp that God will love me just as much if I never write anything, such as the prison newsletters I used to do or the book I wanted to write, never am able to do anything for Him ever period end 9f story as He did when I was doing so much more….still am learning it, but am still grieving for the things I have had to let go of. God loves me whether or not the Humira works (1st dose last week, through the program for those who can’t afford what their bad insurance leaves for them to pay. Trying a different rheumie, long story). God loves me whether or not I can afford the Humira!) He loves you, dear cuz & sister in Christ), beyond measure. You are Hi ab treasured daughter!
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I will join you too! It is so easy to get wrapped up in doing, to see our value in what we have done, and to want to share what we have done with others so that they will be proud of us. Personally, I have to admit that, while accomplishing something in and of itself is somewhat satisfying, it pales in comparison to to the joy I experience when others are proud of what I have done. Their pride somehow equates o love for me. Thanks for the reminder that I don’t need to DO anything for God to love me, He just DOES!
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